Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

If you want to have the baby, please do. I had my one and only child at 38 after fertility issues and while being a parent is tough it can bring so much joy too. If you don’t want a child obviously that’s fine too but I think if you hav me ever wanted children, you will regret not going through with this pregnancy. It’s an easier decision for your DP as he already has a child and I appreciate why he might not want to tread that path again. But this might be your only chance. You’d have to be prepared to go it alone though and the practicalities are hard (although not impossible). Good luck.

I have heard of very few people who regretted a termination and even then it’s more of a ‘I wonder what life would have been like’ type thing.

Most people don’t regret abortions because it was the right decision at the time.

OP will find a way to cope and probably love her baby once it’s here but it’s a massive decision and if she’s never wanted DC, then it’s likely she still doesn’t deep down.

Wanting a child vs not wanting to go through with an abortion are two different things.

My friend who didn't want children fell pregnant after a one night stand with her friend. The guy though he didn't want to have a relationship said he would support her either way. She could not commit to an abortion so continued with the pregnancy and said she would deal with her feelings when the baby was born. She didn't bond with the baby during the pregnancy and after the birth realised that she really didn't want to be a mother and she put her up for adoption. That's not for everyone but as the gran of an adopted baby who wants for nothing and is adored by us, his parents and siblings, I am grateful she made a decision that she felt ultimately was right for her, the father and a family somewhere received a gift they had never dared dream was possible. Now if she had decided to keep the baby, I am 💯 convinced she would have made an awesome awesome mother. She has no regrets but does hope the child contacts her at some point so I guess there is something that she thinks about of what could have been.

Whatever you decide OP do what feels right for you.

I'm sorry you are in this position and your DP is not supportive. Keep the baby if you think you can - with little family support it will be hard though. I fear your DP saying 'to try again in the future' is to fob you off and get you onside with the termination, and then leave you. What's he like with his child? Is he a great dad or somewhat lacking? Only you know what he is like xx

I'm a single mum to a 5yo - last year I stupidly got pregnant and immediately knew I had to terminate because of my circumstances and that the baby's dad was not suitable as a coparent at all.

I was 100% on the decision and it was a relief, but it's still affected me on some level - the baby would be three months old right now if it were here and since Halloween was the rough anniversary of the termination, it was a big reminder that I could have two kids right now. I'm not sad as such, but it's an uncomfortable and strange feeling, and I do feel very curious about the baby that would have been here if I chose differently.

To add, being a single parent is bloody tough, but it sounds like a termination may really affect you. You definitely need some sort of counselling to ensure you make the wisest decision for you (I don't think there's a right or wrong decision). Good luck 🩷

I would look into therapy before having an abortion. It’s a huge decision but one that only you get to make. You need to be absolutely sure that you have considered everything.

I’m really sorry that you are going through this.

I would be fully alone in this if, as people rightly point out is a highly probable scenario, the relationship were to end.

Been there OP at one point. Used to think it was better than being in a bad relationship. Not surprisingly some of the happy couples I knew had split up by time wee ones went to school. Guess point is through divorce, death, separation etc, single parenthood can hit at any time. It is never easy but if money isn’t so much of an issue before you build up your own village, and support, option to get paid help. It is extremely hard work, nothing can prepare you for the tiredness for one but at least it can be very rewarding too. You never know, as an only child, it may be your own folks step up in a way you don’t expect if you decide to keep him/her.

No pressure either way should be put on you by anyone. It’s a life changing situation and no right or wrong answer. Best of luck and thinking of you.

I fear your DP saying 'to try again in the future' is to fob you off and get you onside with the termination, and then leave you.

This sadly is a very good point. DP may simply be thinking of his child support payments. You’ll know if he turns when you say you aren’t sure OP.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together

He's not. This is such a classic bullshit line that men so often use. Don't believe him.

Take him out of equation and do what’s right for you, with the realisation that you may be doing it all alone. Plenty of women do this.

You clearly want the baby, so have the baby 💗

Ridiculous man wanting to pick and choose timings like that.He either wants a child or he doesn't.He will have to either get used to the idea or walk away (which would be a shitty thing to do and a shame for your child to grow up without a father, but you sound like you'd still make a great mum!)

I had my first and only baby at 40. She wasn't a surprise, we tried for years and she was conceived through IVF. I am far from the oldest mum at the school gate. In my circle of her friends mums I am a out average, slightly in the older side. Earlier might have been better but I certainly don't feel too old.

It doesn't seem like you're totally on board with the termination. You know you can go against his wishes??

I'm pregnant at 39 (3rd pregnancy so a different situation), but please don't let your preconceived ideas about age stop you from having this baby. As you know, fertility will decline from now on. As you say, it might be your only chance.

You have to make this decision for you. Not him. Are you able to provide well for the baby by yourself? I think you have to make this decision as if you're going it alone.

Don't terminate on the hopes of his (potentially empty) promises in a few years. I can't imagine he'll be any more ready to have a child at 55 than 53!!

Do what's right for you. Big hugs x

Do not let him future fake you. Pretend that at some time in the future you guys will live happily ever after with a baby in a cottage by the sea.

He’s lying to you to to get you to terminate. There’ll be no subsequent baby.

i have had a termination that I do not regret at all. I have also had a baby entirely on my own. All are survivable.

Keep the baby. It is very likely to be your only chance at motherhood. I would regret choosing a man over a child for the rest of my life. If your relationship can't survive an unplanned pregnancy, there's probably lots of other things it won't survive either. Choose the baby.

My mums friend was in a similar position. She was a bit younger, but he had grown up children. He still chose to have unprotected sex and then left because she kept the baby.

She lives at the opposite end of the country to her small family but has a good group of friends. She managed, it was hard, but wouldn’t change it.

I had always said I didn’t want children, I had my daughter at 37. I’m now 41 and would actually like another.

Follow your heart.
At your age, there’s a fair chance that nature will soon take the decision out of your hands. Consider that, and think about how disappointed you might be.
Sounds blunt, I know, but I’m just being realistic, and was in a similar position aged 41.
Wishing you peace of mind.

I have been in a similar situation OP , my husband really didn't want another child when I fell pregnant. I booked in to terminate the pregnancy initially.

But I couldn't go through with ending the pregnancy as against all logic at the time my heart was set on having the baby. Which is what I did.
It was very hard at the time. But I knew that if I had gone through with a termination that would have destroyed my marriage ultimately. Very hard for my husband too at the time as he was understandably anxious about our ability to manage another child.
My daughter is now a teenager. My husband came to terms with and respected my decision. Because he is a good man. I never regretted my decision but financially and practically we have both certainly had to go the extra mile.
Please do what is right for you. I am vehemently pro choice. But I also know for a fact that some women do regret terminations if it wasn't 💯 what they wanted. I have seen some of those women and heard their stories within my work within the field of mental health services.
It is your body and you are at an age now where another opportunity to become a parent may be less likely.
Sending you 💓 for whatever you decide.

You sound as though you really want this baby so I think you have your answer. You will find a way to cope. My (new) mum friends became my support network. Those I met through NCT and later through school. I doubt your relationship will survive if you have an abortion as you will most likely resent him. If you keep the baby he may come around or may not so you have to be prepared for that. If you think a termination will be devastating you shouldn’t go through with it. It has to be your decision. What do you want to do? Also bear in mind support comes in different ways. My mum was unable to look after DS for me but could entertain him and spend time with him and love him. She also supported me with tea and chat. God I miss her. Support isn’t just babysitting. Wishing you all the best x

I would keep the baby. More precious that the man and a lot harder to replace. I think you will regret losing this chance. Sometimes things happen for a reason.

I was 42, my Dh 53 when I found out I was pregnant. I had heart disease so didn't think I was strong enough to continue, I was so upset. We went for a termination appointment and because I was upset and said I wanted to know if there was any chance I could have the baby, the midwife said she would order a scan, I had the scan thrre and then and found out I was 20 weeks pregnant. I had had no symptoms at all and was absolutely fine, as was the baby, so I decided to continue. I had a trouble free pregnancy and an elective section at 37 weeks. My Dh is an absolutely besotted Dad, Dd is almost 24 and has done very well with her education and career. I knew this was my one and only chance and I never once regretted it. Please don't feel it's not possible for you.

Don't forget that it takes ~40 weeks before you have an actual baby (assuming all goes well) and that is quite a long time, there is time to have quite a bit more 'getting to know each other' before parenthood kicks in if you keep it.

If you're not sure about the termination, cancel. I'm fiercely pro choice (have had termination myself), however if you're not sure, cancel. If you're 5 weeks along, you still have time if you decide to go ahead. Either way, this is your choice, OP. Please don't be future fooled, by your boyfriend. I'm pretty sure, he's just trying to sway you towards termination, because that's easier for him. You may not know what the right decision is , until you make it. Take your pregnancy supplements, and the usual pregnancy precautions, just in case. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. 💐

Similar boat, currently with a 4 month old after many years of infertility, I’m 40. I am with my partner and we are in a good relationship but I still know I’d choose my baby over anything else in my life if I was made to choose. It’s different to OP as they didn’t know they wanted to be a mother, but OP, I’d think strongly about keeping your baby. For all you know your relationship was going to be short lived anyway.