Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

[Peakcentral]

I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

What would you do if the BF was not on the scene now? Do that.

Have the baby if you want it, do not put him in the equation

I worried about my DS being an only child of older parents. I did what I could to send him on every activity and residential I could so he had lots of young companions. He’s very gregarious now (19) but like me, also an only child, very independent and relishes his own time. There’s no ideal, families come in all shapes and sizes.

If you could see into the future and found out that this relationship would not continue...would you keep the baby?

If he is open to thinking about trying in the future then surely he could consider accepting this wonderful.gift now?

Ultimately it's your decision...not his. But from the sounds of it you would have to accept bringing the child up as a single parent.

But also, your relationship with him is only 10 months long...your connection to your child would be a lifelong, unconditional love 💕

Such a tough decision but you posted here for a reason.. it seems as though the decision to terminate is not sitting right in your heart. You are right that you may not be given this chance again considering your age. I'm 39 and experiencing secondary infertility so I know the pain of this. Seek counselling as I think it will help you to realize what you truly want.

Best of luck 💕

If you want the child, do not have a termination for him.

You didn't get pregnant by yourself. The risk of sex resulting in pregnancy is well known to both parties.

better to lose the relationship than to live with regrets of aborting a baby you wanted, especially when time is not on your side with regards to trying again in future.

Take some time and really have a think, OP.

Sorry to say it, but at 53 years old he will be an old father and not have the energy or longevity as a father, if he stays.

If you are wobbling, don't terminate. You have time to decide. It's a tough decision but I don't think you'd regret it if you went ahead alone. I'm a single mother with no man on the scene and in a lot of ways, it's easier! Go with your heart on this one. Wishing you all the very best xx

Whether you are a 16 or 35 or 50 year old man you do have to remember that pregnancy is not an impossibility.

Ten months is a short time to be in a relationship. He’s telling you he doesn’t feel ready for a child, which is fair enough. He’s thinking about himself though so you need to do the same.

Don’t have a baby you don’t really want, but equally don’t give it up for a man who may not be your future.

He may be older but there are plenty of men in their twenties, thirties and forties who are completely useless fathers. To write a man off as a father just because he is older is unfair. As for longevity people are living well into their 70s and 80s so there is every possibility he will live to see the child into adulthood.

'although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future '

bollocks !

that is future faking.

what if you never conceive again ? you are already 40.

If he doesn't want more children then he needs to take care of birth control !

Honestly I think men are pretty expendable and there's plenty of them, but at your age, babies are rare and a blessing. I also think the relationship will come under pressure whether you have the baby or not. So it's almost solely about whether you can be a single mother.
Maybe I'm biased - I had a child at 43 as a single parent and I've loved every minute of raising him. I also managed to provide him with a wonderful stepdad when he was 7. Life changes, you adapt and cope. New opportunities pop up unexpectedly for most things, but not for pregnancy after the age of about 43. You are pretty much in the last chance saloon.
All the advice you get will be coloured by the poster's feelings about motherhood and partners, but it sounds to me like you want this baby, so don't underestimate how that will play out if you terminate.

I think you're right that this is likely your only chance. If money isn't a problem that's good. You sound like you want this baby and would regret it, so I wouldn't rush into a termination if I were you.

No guarantees. I know someone who had children in their 20s, died when the youngest was 3. Someone who had children in their 30s, died when the youngest was 4. Had their child in their late 30s, died when the youngest was 12. At 53, he still has the possibility of being there for 20+ more years.

Are people bringing up their sons telling them they are expendable

No, but I am bringing them up to understand that sex can mean baby, whether they are ready for that or not.

I suspect that you will deeply regret it if you terminate this pregnancy

Don’t be pressured into an abortion you don’t want.

Please also do some research on increased risks due to fathers age. Consider every scenario, and assume you will be doing it alone. Plenty of mothers do it alone, but you need to ask yourself if you would still be able to do it should baby have developmental needs or neurodiversity, and I say that as a parent of an ND child.

I'm a single mother. I conceived at 32 and was in a committed but relatively young relationship (14 months). I didn't think I would be raising my daughter alone and struggled a lot with the break up (infidelity) but I am so so glad that I have my daughter. Life before her can't come close to how I feel now. Yes there are times that are difficult but I am financially and practically able to raise her alone and I have zero regrets. Ask yourself if you can cope in the event of relationship breakdown.

I mean - I have a son, I adore him. He is being told he can’t swan through life with no consequences.

Realistically this relationship is dead either way - I don't think you'll be able to move past it if you go ahead with the termination.

So, all things being equal.. do you want this baby?