Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

Keep your baby. Your reaction is telling you you want it. If it's a choice between him and the baby (and it sounds like it will be), which would you choose? In your shoes I'd choose the baby every time.

Keep it if you’re willing to go it alone. I’ve had a termination and no regrets at all but I didn’t have any doubts either - it sounds like you really want this baby.

If your partner dropped dead tomorrow, what would you do - keep the baby or terminate?

Extreme scenario, yes, but removes the possibility of looking for support or agreement now or in the future from your partner.

he’s open to discussing trying again in the future

Look at what that actually says - he hasn’t said he wants children with you in a few years, he hasn’t even said he’ll discuss it in a few years. He’s said he’ll consider whether he wants to talk about the possibility of trying for children with you at some indeterminate point in the future.

Which sounds like a pretty long-winded way of saying No.

This is by far the most important question.

When you’re 40 it means he wants to discuss having children when you can no longer have them.

Absolutely this

How old is your child now?
I think it's common to feel some regrets about having children (even though you love them completely) when you're in the midst of the years when you're making most of the sacrifices (of your time and money) for them. The biggest rewards come later, when you see them making their own lives.

I'm a solo parent, through different reasons. If you end up not being with your partner it's not the end of the world. I am so glad I have my DC and don't regret anything xx

Loads of replies I know, OP - but goodness me, keep the baby!

You've been with this guy 10 months...you have no idea how this relationship will work out.

He's 13 years older than you and already has a child. He says he might be 'open to trying again in the future', but bluntly - you don't have time. Without meaning to sound scaremongering, it's highly likely this is your last chance. If you want to have a child, have a child. It might risk the relationship but what's more important in the grand scheme of your life?

If your DP didn't want a baby, HE should've made more effort with contraception such as the male pill (if that exists) and a condom too. It's not for him to be dictating if you keep the baby. Yes, he helped make it, but it is growing inside your body.

I guess what you first need to establish is if you can afford to keep the baby? If money is not a problem you can buy in a bit of help such as cleaners etc. A lot of women end up on their own with more than one DC and a useless ex. Whilst not counting on it, you may find your parents love having a DGC and step up a bit.

If you want the baby, and you can afford it, I would do it. If your partner sticks around and helps, great, if he doesn't well, that's his loss. You will probably resent him for encouraging you to abort and it will end anyway.

I know this is a bit harsh, but your own baby is worth a hundred good men. I have a very good husband but I know in my heart that it is my DC that I love more than anything in the world.

He gets a say of course, but he doesn't get to decide. Ultimately that is up to you. It's your body, your choice. You make the biggest sacrifices during the pregnancy. "Try again in the future'....No. You're 40 he is 53 & you're not getting any younger & too long in the tooth for that. If you are financially capable, i'd keep it. He either accepts it or he doesn't.

If he’s happy to have a child at any point then this is it.

he should be supporting your pregnancy!

I believe that if you are devastated at the thought of a termination now, you will most likely regret it for the rest of your life. I have experienced that regret and it is the most painful thing - over 15 years ago for me and I still have to change my thoughts when it crops up or I’ll start crying. AND a have children - it wasn’t my ‘only’ chance. I have no moral judgement or opinion on abortion - just know (for some) it can tear out your soul. If money’s no problem - I’d say go for it!

Anytime a woman falls pregnant regardless if you're married or partnered there is a chance the father is going to walk away so please do not put all hopes on the relationship. Life happens and things change plus if you decide to terminate will u both start using contraception to prevent a pregnancy knowing now that you are able to concieve together? I think you should think things through a bit more as you said money isn't a issue.

I had my one and only aged 40 she was very much planned and we are both doing great. I didn't think id have a chance of having a baby because id never really tried and hadnt met the right guy tbh. I was so happy when i fell pregnant. Her father couldn't really step up to plate so I left him when my baby was 5 months was the best decision tbh. I do not have a village and im not swimming in money but my daughter is well provided for and she is extremely advanced. Motherhood has changed my outlook on life and made me value a lot of things. I have a sibling but we aren't as close as we used to be and I do not get any help babysitting etc but im ok with that because I love spending time with my daughter shes a very easy going toddler.

I had no issues in my pregnancy aside from low iron. I had an elective c section for a couple of reasons and my daughter was born full term no issues. First few weeks were hard but honestly I wouldn't change a thing. Trust your gut and do what is in your heart

Op it’s cruel for him to say possibly in the future- he doesn’t mean it. If as you say money isn’t a problem and you’re this torn I think you should consider having the baby.

I think you might find you are not fully alone, I hope I don't sound too unrealistic.

I was younger than you but found myself on my own with an unexpected pregnancy.

I wasn't initially supported by my family and my child's father was completely unable to cope (ie couldn't face the reality of being a father). I found really close friends in nct and single parent groups. Then more very good friends when my child was at primary school.

Please don't doubt your ability to do this if it's the path you feel is right for you.

It must be incredibly hard OP. Try to make your own decision about the pregnancy and please don't give any thought to your boyfriend's wishes. Asking you to terminate at 40 and saying he'd be open to trying again later is pure smoke and mirrors.

Both of those providers have their own biases!

Imagine you had to go in the morning for your termination, how do you feel about it? You have already said ending the pregnancy is heartbreaking. I think you know the answer to your dilemma. I personally think you should have the baby, else you may regret it.
Wishing you all the best. X

I think you should absolutely cancel that termination. You don't want a termination.

Of course at 53 he doesn’t desire another baby, but you are 40 and have never had that experience, if you want the baby, do it, don’t be pressured into a termination unless it’s what you want, for any reason. Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP literally asked for people who had experienced similar to give their personal opinions.

And on a chat site, of course people give their own views based on their own experiences.

Keep the baby. You won't regret it.

So no heterosexual man should have sex until he's 35 (or whatever age he wants a baby)? And assuming he wants to either be married, or in a committed relationship, he has to find a woman happy to be with him not having sex, until they're both sure they want a baby? I don't think many young women would date a man who refuses to have sex until they're ready to be parents.