Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

when people are encouraging termination, do you post ' seems to be strong pro-choice camping'? If not, you are biased.

Women are talking from their own personal experiences and opinions. Not from your political soapbox.

I have absolutely nothing against abortion and have had one myself but I don't think it is something you should undertake if you are not absolutely sure it's what you want, especially if it is likely to be your one chance at motherhood.

OP you are very early on and feeling confused. I'd hold fire if I were you and give yourself a few more weeks to process things. If possible seek some counselling. This has come as a total shock to you and it is no wonder you're blindsided.

Whatever your decision, do it because it's what YOU want. I realise your partner is not keen but continuing a pregnancy or not is your call not his and no decent man would pressurise you in this.

Keep your precious baby. You may never get another chance. You're my age when I found out I was pregnant and my partner was same age as your partner. I didn't think I wanted kids a few years ago, but my daughter is the most wonderful gift.

If you are having these protective feelings towards your baby already, please continue with your pregnancy.
Ultimately the choice is your’s to make but it could be something you spend your entire life regretting as you seem emotionally attached already.
Sometimes, there’s not an ideal situation to have a baby in- but you make it work somehow.

I was ambivalent. We got pregnant in early 40s. Absolutely the best thing I've ever done, albeit we went and got married, moved in together etc too. But friends doing it solo in my age bracket would say the same thing I'm sure. Anyway I'm very much in the go with your heart not your head camp.

Pregnancy counsellors are available for this very reason. Please speak to a professional who can help you weigh up the pros and cons.

If I was you I would do it because I have fantastic DC who are brilliant fun. But I know there are plenty of threads where people who desperately wanted children regret it. Imagine the worst case scenario, can you cope with that?

I am 100% pro choice.

Your body, your baby, your choice.

He already has a child, he could have another child any time he likes, years from now. If he wanted to have a baby with you, he'd want you to keep it. He doesn't. Saying 'maybe in the future' is his get out card. A 10 month relationship is nothing. You're not his main priority, don't let him be yours. Imagine he was out of the equation entirely (he likely will be anyway) - what would you want to do?

This is your last chance saloon. If it was me, I'd keep it, but only you know.

This.

I would absolutely keep the baby in your shoes it’s your choice

I wouldn't give much/any weight to the idea of terminating this pregnancy and doing it all deliberately in a couple of years. Waiting until 42/55 is not a sensible strategy, it sounds like an empty promise by a man trying to influence your decision. At 53 he doesn't get to wait to feel ready.

It's important you choose for yourself and not for him. Do that and whichever way you go, you have made the best decision you could at the time. No regrets. Let him influence your decision and you can absolutely live to regret it.

Please call an abortion provider to get this counselling rather than Google as you’ll get a pro life religious charity otherwise

I think you need to factor him out completely and decide what’s right for you.

I didn’t think I wanted kids and then I had 3. Some people don’t know how they’ll feel until they’re knocked up.

A friend of mine had a child alone at 45 and it was the right decision for her.

Only you can decide what’s right for you.

Please do what YOU want to do, don't let him pressure you. If you keep the baby I don't think you will regret it.

Also, 40 is not that old, lots of older mums these days.

Imagine 10 years have passed and you are not with him and have no child, either. It's hypothetical but possible. How might you feel? Your gut will tell you what is best for YOU.

Imagine 10 years have passed and you are with a new guy, waking up on a Saturday morning thinking only about which restaurant to go to, which outfit to wear, and with a passport full of stamps. It's hypothetical but possible. How might you feel? Your gut will tell you what is best for YOU.

Only you can make this choice, OP. But I wouldn’t end a pregnancy, especially not at 40, if the thought of doing so would leave me feeling this devastated. There are much worse things than being a single parent.

OP my heart is aching a little bit for you. If you feel conflicted about this now please hold off a few more weeks to think about it. This is your choice. Please update us with what you decide.

Given what the OP said the replies are expected. Pro-choice doesn’t mean pro-abortion. If someone sounds like they want the baby I would have thought the pro-choice position is to make sure they’re making the right decision.

There will always be someone who regrets having children but the amount of people that have terminations that regrets it is overwhelming huge

I’m pro-choice but you seem very unsure about a termination so I would give yourself time and some counselling before a decision is made.
I must say (and of course this applies to my feelings and circumstances) I would want to keep the baby.
At 40 years of age you will be offered a variety of tests which I would also take up (if you decide to continue your pregnancy that is).
Good luck with your decision making - it’s not an easy decision to make.

He doesn’t want this child, and the vague “promises” of thinking about a child together at some unspecified date when other unspecified things like the alignment of the stars or Halley’s Comet occur , are quite frankly never going to be fulfilled. There will always be a reason why it isn’t the right time.

If you want a baby OP then this unexpected pregnancy is the Universe speaking to you. Single parenthood is tough, but then , so is having a relationship with someone who isn’t being very honest about their true feelings.

If you are devastated and youve realised you want the baby, you should have it. Your partner is being disingenuous to say there may be potential for trying together in the future- hes knows its unlikely. You will have to end the relationship either way so truly do what you really want to do. X

Some of these posts are really annoying me

“please keep the baby”

”you’ll regret it if you don’t”

”you don’t need a support system”

”it’s a living thing”

“Keep your baby no matter what”

These are all biased opinions and based on what the poster would do and isn’t helpful for OP.

OP has never wanted children and may very easily regret it.
Yes give your opinion but don’t act like keeping the baby is the easy option because it’s not - especially as OP has no support system.

OP needs to weigh up the pros and cons, not simply be guilted into keeping it because that’s what posters would do in her situation.

I would have the baby.

I didn't want children and was told I couldn't. However I fell pregnant three times in my late thirties and have two wonderful adult DC. One is SEN but it's mild.

I'm pro choice but I think if you're devastated you want this baby. Does your career allow WFH etc?
If you single parent you'll need to utilise wrap around care. That doesn't always mean private you can use a childminder. My sister provided such a service and loved the primary children.

You have your parents and I can tell you I miss mine everyday. My parents were in their sixties when I had my babies and they had a new lease if life. My dad even became my Manny later on.
Good luck x

Take more time. You could regret it for the rest of your life if you have a termination you are not sure about. If you are prepared to be a single parent if need be, there are other options. It won’t be easy but think of your 70 year old self. Do you see yourself with a 30 year old or on your own? Many can and do make it work. This needs to be your decision and though DP can say what he wants it’s your body and a decision you need to ultimately make.