Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

Real speak.
I was very unhappy when I found out I was having a son. I cried at my desk in work.

Time and buying some nice boys clothes helped.

My DS is 2 and honestly is a pure joy I feel horrendous I ever wished for anything other than him. He is adored by everyone and blatantly my DMs fave even vs me 😅

He is loving and kind and gentle in a way my spirited independent daughter never was even as a baby.

Its okay to be sad but dont destroy your own happiness by getting stuck in a negative loop over it.

On your "wish for a girl" be very careful.
a vagina is no barometer of anything
My aunt did this. 4 boys and the mythical girl.... Who was never "enough".. she wasnt girly/pink/quiet/polite/whatever enough. she lovely but wanted to wear trousers and ride horses and play outside not sit with dolls and teacups and frilly frocks.

I’m sorry you feel so distressed, but this is all nonsense.

My DH is very close to his Mum and always has been. He’s called her several times a week and visited her regularly since he left home.

Now she’s a widow he sees it speaks to her every day. He’s an excellent son.

His friends all behave similarly and so did my own Dad when his Mum was alive.

My son is just as loving, affectionate and caring as my daughter. He calls me regularly and comes home to visit.

I’ve got along well with all his girlfriends.

You get the relationship with your children (of whichever sex) that you build.

I was ignorant about having a son because I grew up with no brothers or cousins so I had pre conceived ideas about boys! Oh how wrong I was.
My son is wonderful. He is 20 now and we are really close (he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and it hasn’t impacted on our relationship at all). Don’t let your preconceptions run away with themselves.

"confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day."

It's your poor son I feel sorry for. You talk like he is a disappointment before he's even been born. ...

My DH has a wife….me and is very close to his mother and she is still his mum.

my two DS are literally the best. I LOVE being a ‘boy mum’.

I think you need some time but that saying from your mum is utter crap.

I understand that what a mum says gets in your brain and affects almost everything you do. This seems to have happened with your mum’s ‘helpful’ comments. Break the cycle, and don’t be a self-fulfilling prophesy before your son has even been born. I have the most lovely relationship with my son and even if he ditches me for his wife in future (unlikely based on his kind and caring personality) I’d not miss my time pottering around with him for the world. I recognise that in the future he will want a partner who takes priority over me but that does not make me sad. The men in my family have good relationships with their mums as adults.

I think that your mums words have caused you to have strange ideas about boys. So whilst you are not unreasonable to feel how you do, you are unreasonable to project those feelings into unsubstantiated anxieties about your future relationship with your soon who isn’t even born yet. If a mother nurtures her relationship with her son, she will have a close relationship with her son. It’s that simple. If you bring him up to be caring, he will be caring.
There are so many women on here who have difficult relationships with their daughters/ mothers.

I know many men who truely cared for their mothers. I know some who didn’t see them much as the mother seemed to prefer the daughter. Those men then cared for their MIL. I know loads of boys who are kind considerate wonderful humans and girls who are absolutely nightmares.

I don’t know why you think having a penis or not will change your future relationship with your child. It’s toxic the way you’ve been lead to believe only daughters stick around- but that story will have suited your mums narrative as she only had daughters

You're being massively unreasonable. I hope you know that. As someone who was infertile for seven years, a baby is a gift, whatever sex it is.

It will be down to how you and your partner raise them.

Nobody can possibly tell you whether you’ll “eventually get the girl I’m dreaming of”. Even if you do have a girl later on, there is no guarantee you will have a good relationship into adulthood. Everyone is different. I have 2 boys and, whilst I do feel wistful that I probably won’t have the relationship my mum and I have (ie going away on trips together), I am so happy to have my boys.

You will love your baby boy so much, they are a blessing. I see my grown up DS all the time.

You could have had a daughter that you were not close to, you and your son might be super close! It’s luck of the draw, I have two boys
12 and 8 they do ballet and hate messy things they oldest couldn’t think of anything worse than camping and the little one loves shopping. It’s not about gender it’s about personality!

You are having a child.
You love that child, care for it, teach it decent values and bring it up to the best of your ability.
You and your partner demonstrate decent behaviour and relationships.
Hopefully, you will have a close and long lasting relationship.
The sex of the child is immaterial.

However, the child will pick up on your attitude. Grow up and hope for a healthy, happy child.

For what it's worth, many daughters are not close to their mother. Some start todislike their mums as they grow up, or find them a burden.
You are longing for a fantasy child and that can become a burden to the real, flesh and blood, unique, disappointing, baffling, wonderful person who is on the way.

Surely when planning a pregnancy, assuming it was planned, you knew there was a 50% chance of having a boy? You are being massively unreasonable and honestly just ridiculous. I feel sorry for that little boy who is already a disappointment and he hasn’t even been born yet. You need to get a grip and count your blessings.

DH speaks to his mum every days and sees her at least once a week. I have a good relationship with my mum but speak to her once a fortnight and see her maybe once a month.

It’s about the relationships you build, not the gender.

Your Mum sounds insufferably smug with her comments about daughters.....given that she has no personal experience of having a son. You've internalised her comments to such an extreme that you feel grief for other people and you have let this become your whole personality. You might not be able to see the weight of your mothers comments but they are quite literally ruining what should be one of the happiest experiences of your life. Please get some counselling urgently to deal with this so you can move forward and enjoy your baby.

I do understand that gender disappointment is a thing but this sounds quite extreme. I wonder why you decided to have a baby when you knew there was only a 50% chance of having the girl baby that you wanted. I feel for your son- hopefully you will give your head a big old wobble before he arrives.

My DH is an incredibly devoted son to my ILs. He does more for his parents and spends more time with them than I would for mine if they were still alive.

Gosh. Is this post for real? You are massively wrong to think this way and should have not got pregnant. You also can shove your sympathy for the women you work with having boys.

your preconceptions about boys are very wrong.

Also this is your first right? you may end up with a girl at some point (or not) so it seems strange ro be so distressed at this point.

you're being silly and are very wrong about little boys and their relationships with their mums. And all the men I know adore their mums.

I agree with this.

People who only want one sex shouldn’t try to be parents tbh

I don’t think it is real - it very much reads as written by AI. Unfortunately some women do feel this way though, their poor sons.

Ah you might be lucky and he’ll be trans

My brother is close with our mum. My uncles doted on my grandmother. But we’re not British so honestly I wonder if some of this is cultural. In our culture it’s not at all the norm that men never speak to their families of origin. So this isn’t a biological fact; it’s something that you do have control over.

Jesus. What a load of utter shit you have written.

yeah the mom thing on a British website is a bit of an AI giveaway. As an actual mother of boys I did meet women who felt like this when they were little. There were quite a few mothers of girl's giving me pitying looks and going on about how awful/hard it must be etc. All bollocks of course. If its any consolation to anyone, they've all changed their tune or shut up about how hard it must be having boys now the kids are teenagers ....