Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

It's a self fulfilling prophecy because of your family dynamic. I have a few male colleagues who have families and still go on holiday with their mums, are anguished about them getting older and being happy with care, visit regularly, etc. My DH is the same.

I'm not saying it isn't a common family dynamic but you can break the cycle. It actually isn't inherent in men to not be as close to their mothers - it's learnt behaviour.

Feel sad for a bit and then focus on what you can control. How is your relationship with your MIL? How does your DH treat her? These are all things that your son will learn from so display the future you want to see.

It’s really not true, plenty of men still are very close to their mums and lots of daughters never see their mums.
See if you can book some sessions with a therapist so your issues don’t impact your child.

Gender disappointment can take you by surprise. I would say that you're letting your thoughts run away with you a bit. For example, thinking the worst case scenario before your baby is even born let alone grown up. Who knows what the future holds, but it's usually not the same as what we imagine. Give yourself time to process this news but don't allow yourself to jump to the worst outcome, because you're just torturing yourself for no reason. I also do this a lot and I'm trying to get better, so I understand it's not easy.

But that assumes rationality and sex disappointment is not rational and persistent feelings correlate with depressive illnesses - pre and post natal.

Anecdotally I’ve observed this mostly in women raised with fairly rigid gender roles (sounds like the OP). For most its a phase of madness which disappears when the baby arrives if not before and for those women “don’t be daft, how can I help” is the best response. However its also predictive of mental health problems and PND and in that situation the kind of anger which often comes on these threads will just result in it being hidden as something shameful.

I had an aunt who suffered badly from this during pregnancy - she also longed for a girl, ended up with four boys. DM recounted how the aunt was basically told off for being ridiculous by health professionals as much as their social circle and withdrew developing sever PND at a time where it wasn’t taken seriously. It had life long consequences, her mental health never fully recovered and she became agoraphobic as well with the sense of shame at her feelings.

I agree pointing the OP at therapy is the right thing to do on these threads for persistent feelings but if mental health issues responded to simple logic or shaming then we would not have half the problems we see.

I have a boy and a girl , I regularly go out for lunch with my son . It's lovely . I have shopping outings with DD . Also lovely. I had gender disappointment with both of them. I wanted a boy and got a girl, then I thought two girls would be better and my second was a boy. Love them both, they get on great with each other .

I guess I just can’t imagine my two sons wanting to go for a weekend away on a city break with their old mum, but you never know!

Oh OP! Firstly, you're going to get a bunch of people who will say you should just be grateful you have a healthy baby. Whilst it's true, it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

I also had gender disappointment with my second - however, I promise you that the feeling does pass. It felt like my little one would kick in my tummy whenever I had pangs of sadness or doubt or worry - as if it says, don't worry mama, it'll be alright. And then the feelings just faded over time - I found out at 20 weeks and I'm nearly 28 weeks now - the feeling will pass, I promise.

Hopefully you will love your baby boy so much - he will bring you so much joy and enrich your life in so many incredible, unexpected ways - that you will look back on your current self with shame.
With luck, you will realise how wrong you are and one day you will feel pity for the ignorant, bigoted woman that you once were.
Rise above it. Be grateful for the baby boy that you have been given and try to make sure he never knows that he’s not what you wanted.

My mum apparently wanted 4 boys and ended up with 2 girls! She said to me that it doesn't matter what sex the baby is, as soon as they are born and put into your arms all that matters is that they are your baby.

Have an abortion then.

Why is less likely than a daughter??

I have two boys they are glorious
I think your mum has planted a load of shit in your head and you should ignore it.

I originally wanted a girl and a boy because that's what I grew up with. That was my experience having a brother but ultimately everyone is their own person.

I know. Poor thing.

Same here. Three fabulous adult sons. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

I had 2 girls and a little sister and nieces - I did also have nephews but mostly i had been surrounded my little girls my whole life. Found out dc3 was a boy and I felt panicked and flat, I didn’t know what to do with boys.
spent the rest of my pregnancy just not knowing how I was going to parent a boy (as though they are an alien species 😂). the very second he was born I sobbed and declared immediate unwavering love, he was tiny and screaming and just needed a cuddle to settle.
Being his mum has been fucking awesome, he’s a great lad even now as a nearly 6ft teenager, very loving, always up for hanging out with me and equally close to dh. He’s brilliant.
Op don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling the way you do, I felt it too and I don’t think it’s uncommon.

I was one of three girls. I was so relieved when I found out I was expecting a boy. The thought of bringing up an independent, outspoken and hormonally challenging girl horrified me.

Boys are often less independent throughout childhood. DS was in his midteens before he started to worry about what he was wearing. I remember my DSis being totally stressed out by her youngest DD as early as 2 yrs old when she would only wear a white t shirt and a denim skirt. Her preferred outfit would change every month so there was no point in buying duplicates.

DS was so easy, when we went out together we soon learned who was the flexible one. I remember an incident with some lollipops I bought for them. I’d forgotten the cardinal rule that they have to be identical. They only had 3 left 2 red and 1 yellow. Both girls wanted the same as my DS. In the end DS was happy to have the yellow and the girls were forced to have the red ones. DS had an early lesson in how girls work. They would normally have been happy with any colour.

I suspect we are influenced by our own experiences. But give me a room full of boys or young men any day. They are so much less hassle. I’ve never had to drive anyone home at three in the morning because they’ve all had a fall out. They literally eat anything you put in front of them. They have no concept of bitchy behaviour.

Boys use humour , most of the time, to dissipate a fall out. And they are great entertainment in the car. I remember picking up my DS and a couple of girls from a festival and being given strict instructions not to talk because they needed to sleep. A car full of boys, on the other hand, would recount the full weekends escapades and have a good sing along.

You're having a boy, so you have 3 options.
Have a termination, continue with the pregnancy and have him adopted, or continue with the pregnancy and raise a son.
Whatever you decide, please seek counselling because this is a very extreme reaction.
You must have met lovely boys and decent men in your life? Or perhaps not, and that is part of the problem.
Speak to your midwife and start to get some psychological support.

I have a little boy and a little girl. They’re only young still but so far the only real difference I’ve noticed is that it’s a bit more socially acceptable to dress my little girl in clothes I actually like, as I tend to lean towards more “feminine” clothing myself. The actual children are just as wonderful as each other and I love them exactly the same. My little boy is the eldest and favours me over anyone else and gives me cuddles every chance he gets. He is lovely and I wouldn’t swap him for anything in the world.

I generally consider gender disappointment the luxury of the blissfully fertile who have never struggled to conceive or gone through the tragedy of losing a baby.

most men I know maintain close relationships with their mothers after marriage. It’s the daughters who tend to the modern phenomenon of going low or no contact with their mothers

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to send a message out to those who took the time to respond, reading your messages has made me feel less alone, I truly didn’t mean to offend anyone.
Thanks for the replies,

“Gender disappointment” aka ‘sex prejudice’

I’d rather have my eyes gouged out with a rusty spoon than go away on a girly city break weekend, with my mum/sisters/any female relatives.

…and the last time I checked I owned a vulva 🤷‍♀️

I have no time for posts like this. Why on earth did you try for a baby if you knew you’d be this unhappy with a boy. Poor kid.

My brother is much closer to my parents than I am.

Out of their 5 grandchildren, only one is a boy (my brother’s DS) and he is most definitely the favourite!

Also to add, please please don’t try for a second baby until you have dealt with these feelings through counselling and are 100% content with having another boy. To try for a second baby in the desperate hope of getting a girl is so unfair for everyone.