Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

I have two boys. They are awesome. Loving, affectionate, funny, clever, sporty, cuddly, kind, gorgeous humans. I would not change them. 16 and 14 now.

Please DO NOT ! grieve for me , a mother of 2 very very much wanted boys .
The moment they were placed in my arms my life felt complete ,they are adults now and surprise ! i see them a lot , they were sweet ,funny ,cute ,loving,cuddly little boys who were dressed in lovely colourful clothes -not drab navy blue and brown , i mention this as i'm pretty sure you have visions of dressing a 'little princess' in instagram worthy outfits and this has an influence on your 'distress'.
They were simple and easy to please and raise, unlike my daughter who is equally adored but had her own mind very early on, she's lovely and completes our family but so she would have if she had been born a male.
I have a sister and a brother and my brother is by far the better child to our mother, closer, more patient ,everything.
To be quite honest i am beginning to find these gender disappointment threads quite tedious as they are so common and it's always bloody deliciously gorgeous baby boys that disappoint , but i am bound to reply to them in defence of boys.
Please look at this another way and count your many blessings that you are in the privileged position as a soon to be mother of a baby irrelevant of it's sex .
Be grateful for what you have instead of dwelling on something that even if you do ever get may not turn out to be what your 'fantasy' is.

Despite everything people have said on this thread your fear is magnified?
You are not trying to be reassured that having a baby boy is an amazing, beautiful experience - you are determined to view it as a negative.
It would be sad if the result of this blinkered attitude was just your loss; it’s heart breaking that your baby has to lose out too.

Then you need to terminate this pregnancy or put your unwanted male child up for adoption, and ask to be sterilised. Sorry to be blunt but I've heard enough now. It's utterly cruel. Multiple posters have reassured you and you're ignoring everyone. You should not be having sex at all until you are 100% certain you won't conceive.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your little grandson, the pain must be immense right now.

Agree with a PP, definitely rejoice and embrace that new life.

Have an abortion? You don’t sound well enough to have a baby, sorry.

@Weeelokthen You have mentioned that they’re grown up, is there anything you did differently growing up tbh, because from my personal experience ive seen men completely drift after marriage, idk im still extremely anxious about having a son…

You love them. You love them exactly the same as you would a child born with a vagina because they’re your child. You stop being ridiculous and making things up in your own head, things that are going to damage your relationship with your child and you do exactly the same things as you would with a girl. Good god, do that or give your child up. You really really don’t realise how lucky you are. Seriously, get a grip.

Maybe they're drifting after marriage because their mothers have resented them for not being girls before they're even born.

Your children are MEANT to separate away from you when they grow up and have their own lives, that's normal and healthy.

Start by treating girls and boys the same.
Your son isn’t even born yet and you’re already disappointed in him.

What really gets me about these threads isn’t so much the gender disappointment aspect but this strange belief that a child is only worth as much as they can offer you when they’re an adult and you’re much older.

I had children for the experience of mothering - I wanted to give birth, cuddle a baby, hold a tiny hand as they splashed in puddles in little wellies, play and bake with them, wave them off for their first day at school. I wanted to take them to aquariums and museums and picnics and be able to look at a little person that was one half of me.

Girl or boy, you can do all of these things. Here and now is just as valuable as a day in the future and you’re wasting it crying about the gender rather than soaking up the pregnancy moments, buying maternity clothes, listening to a little heart beating at scan appointments.

Nobody knows what the future holds but you have today. I have no relationship with my mum (and nor do my sisters - she had 4 girls) but we live 20 minutes from DH’s mum and we see her most weekends and the kids adore her. But then she was delighted to have a baby boy and has inspired that kind of relationship.

My first pregnancy, I wanted a girl and got a boy. I cried after my scan. I can honestly tell you he is the light of my life and we have such a beautiful, special bond. So much so that when I had my second I prayed for another little boy! Please believe me, as soon as you meet him you will be in love. As far as the future goes, just remember you cannot control what happens no matter what gender your kids are. I know boys who are so close to their mums still, and grandmother's on the Dads side who do all the childcare etc. I also know women with daughters who have difficult relationships, or the daughters have moved accross the world etc. Nothing is guaranteed, and actually projecting the future in that way probably places too much pressure on the kids! Buying some cute little boy stuff helps in the meantime! Xxx

What happens if they don’t get married? What happens if they move to New Zealand to get away from a parent who wasn’t able to parent them because of their own issues? What happens if they have extra needs and means you need to care for them for the rest of their lives? No one knows what the future will bring but it sounds like you’re going to try your hardest to have a difficult relationship.

Don’t parent them differently to the baby girl you imagine being close to for life. Model emotional intelligence. Don’t say ‘Boys will be boys’ or ‘Boys don’t cry’. Don’t expect less from them because they’re male. The baby’s father needs to model emotional intelligence, too. Don’t be the one who ‘manages’ relations with your PILs, or who remembers their birthdays or buys the presents. Don’t make it obvious you see your own parents as the ‘real’ grandparents. Is your DH close to his parents? Modelling that relationship is key.

It’s not that complicated.

The way you parent your child goes a long way in shaping the adult they become. If your ds grows up seeing YOU being treated badly by a man also determines his attitudes towards women.

Boys are great. That is all.

So are girls.

One is not better than the other.

The child’s sex doesn’t determine your relationship in adulthood.

Love your boy with everything you have.

I have two of each.
All parented the same
All wonderful as children and equally wonderful as adults.
And all with their own personalities!

You need to GROW UP frankly, or have an abortion and not have children if you aren't grateful for a baby unless it's a girl.
Girls are not a guarantee of a life long friend...and nor should they be! It's a stupid fantasy that your mother has implanted in your head.

I'm as equally close to to my sons as my daughters; in some ways closer to my sons because they (even as adults) tend to need me more... my girls are my equals, my sons somehow remain my babies😆 They would all pitch up in a heartbeat if I, or dh, needed them to, just as we do for them.

FWIW in my family it's my brother who is close to my Mum. I love my Mum we don't really click as people. He's the golden boy and adores her... he's 40, she's 80 and he's just taken her on holiday with his wife and child. I couldn't as we'd probably kill eachother!

On a kinder note... it will be fine. When that baby is in your arms you will not give a damn!

My DBro is super close with my mum. They are on holiday together right now. I barely speak to her. My DH is very close to his mum, closer than his sister is. I'm closer to MIL than my own mum.
I think some personalities gel better regardless of gender (and thinking otherwise is quite old fashioned).

Yeah great idea to already be planning another pregnancy to hope for a girl, I mean what could possibly go wrong with that?

Twin boys?

I wanted to write to reassure you about the future. I’m really close to my MIL, and so is my husband. She is the main babysitter to my son (mainly because of how close we love to them) but I wouldn’t have it any other way. And my dad was one of 2 boys, and he so close to my grandma and we as grandchildren all were. And when she was unwell and in hospital my dad never left her side. I don’t think gender matters in the way it used to. You get out of your children what you put in. My sister had an awful husband who was controlling and tried to put a wedge between her and our family, it broke my mums heart. So like I say gender didn’t come into it. And little boys are soooooo loving towards their mums! It’s the best feeling in the world. You’ll love it I promise x

This

"It's a stupid fantasy that your mother has implanted in your head."

and this

"You get out of your children what you put in."

You're being ridiculous. All girls/women aren't the same and all boys/men aren't the same. You determine how close your children will be to you and silly preconceptions and platitutes like “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” from 2 CENTURIES AGO arent going to help it be a close one (and how would she know anyway if she only had 4 daughters?)

I posted earlier saying it shouldn’t make a difference, I hope it won’t with my sons.

However, take a look at the thread about a MiL who overstepped with a comment about cleaning. Woman after woman saying she asked for it, DiL should never forgive her, of course she shouldn’t go round to her son’s house, of course they will be closer to the DiLs family. Once you make a mistake with a DiL it’s reasonable to hold on to that and never forgive the MiL.
It shocked the hell out of me the way so many woman won’t forgive MiLs and think it’s ok to keep a distance if you step out of line - there’s no going back for MiLs.

@Chamomileteainabigmug Tbh most of the men in my family drifted after growing up in general (not even just because of marriage) with the only exception to my dad. But I think it’s partly because he was the youngest of 7 siblings, and I think it’s also because of his personality. I hope the other commentators are right, yes I still I have the occasional ‘whats the point of bonding with my son’…

What’s the point?
He’s your child. That’s the bloody point.

Your comments just keep getting worse. Why don't you just stop posting now, you're saying some awful things. Your poor child.