Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

It ok to have disappointment for the scenario you imagined. But do not let that ruin your experience with your son. Alot of what you are worried about is just honestly not true. If you were already uneasy about a boy, everything right now will be magnified. Every family is different and your relationship with your son as he grows older will be whatever you make it, not what your relatives do. I know families where the girls are not close at all (I am not with my own mum) and the sons are still front and centre with their mums. Its all about
how you raise you children.

I'd take some time to process and find a way to move forward.

On having a girl in future, noone knows what will happen in your future.
I would not plan a pregnancy purely because of this. What will you do if you have another boy? You also can't predict a girls personality. I have my longed for girl (after a boy and alot of losses). I love her but 100% not what I imagined. And that is ok. She is her own person and my expectation of having a girl has completely changed.

Honestly, I work with teenage girls - be happy you are having a boy!!
I also have a son and he is the light of my life.
I think you are idolising a perfect mother-daughter relationship. I had an awful relationship with my mum growing up and never felt that close bond that other mums and daughters have. So it's not guaranteed.

My Mum much prefers her only son to her two daughters! My sister and I have never had that mother daughter relationship you speak of. She so obviously favoured him growing up and is therefore much closer to him than us. It sucks but we’ve got used to it.
I have a son and he is the apple of my eye.

So what happens when you get a girl next? , reinforce that Mommy's little girl is her best friend forever and you haven I expectations on your son to remain in your life psoy 18? It's called a self fulfilling prophecy.

DH is one of two boys, both incredibly close to their Mom. All the grandkids have had / have a great relationship with her. We see her weekly, she speaks to her sons several times a week. She raised them with a husband who also maintained a good relationship with his mother, who treated his wife with respect and taught his boys to do the same. Now we have 3 boys. They see Daddy loves his Mom. They love their Nan. They will be raised with the expectation that we will remain close because we're family. They all want children. I will try to be the mother in law that MY mil is.
We go to the theatre, play dtesssup, pretty much do everything I'd do with a girl except compare sanitary products because I didn't raise them with gendered ideology about how boys are different and inferior.

I know your hormonal but seriously, you need to grow up I'd your planning on having babies until you get a prescious girl so you can cast aside your pointless boys

@CalmRubyPoster
A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.

This proverb is rooted not in an assumption that girls get on better with their parents, but that it is their role to serve and care for their parents. Not relevant for 2026.

Let this 19th century proverb go - when we build connection with out children we have lasting relationships.

Either way, a healthy baby should be your goal. Boy or girl - both are a blessing.

Have an abortion then.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp
"On your "wish for a girl" be very careful. a vagina is no barometer of anything. My aunt did this. 4 boys and the mythical girl.... Who was never "enough".. she wasnt girly/pink/quiet/polite/whatever enough. she lovely but wanted to wear trousers and ride horses and play outside not sit with dolls and teacups and frilly frocks."

This is me, I've been no contact with my mother for 7 years. Never being good enough and not feeling a maternal bond or feeling loved is soul destroying and has damaged and shaped my whole life.

Dear OP, I totally get your feelings. I had the same feelings based on the dissapointment in my brothers lack of care when our mum was ill. My mum was a great parent to them but I guess they were scared when she got so ill.

As a boy mum, I couldn't be more happier, grateful and more blessed. He is the most considerate child I have ever known. Happy, kind, full of empathy, confident, generous to a fault and a wholesome human all round. He is a teen now and my prayer is that he continues to be this way as his life unfolds. I am also teaching him to be resilient when things don't go his way, which I am hoping will help avert the reaction my brothers had when we went through a family crisis.

Boys are sweet and I am sure, yours will be no different. Congratulations!!!!

Sorry OP but I have zero sympathy for people who feel ‘gender disappointment’ you knew when you decided to try for a baby that there was 50% chance of it being a boy. If you didn’t want a boy and it would bring you severe disappointment then you shouldn’t have got pregnant.

Even if you had a girl, there’s no guarantee she would be the “girl you’re dreaming of”. She would be her own person, with her own likes , dislikes and interests. There are no guarantees. Having such a prescribed (sexist ) view of what children/boys/girls should or would be is not healthy or realistic.

Closeness is a bond and relationship that you Foster and build its not a given due to being male or female.

My DH doesn't have a good relationship with his mum but it's better then the one SIL has with her and its purely down to her behaviours and actions.

My brother is closer to my mum then I am as adults we don't have a bad relationship at all I'm just very independent and always have been.

I have 2 boys and honestly they are amazing. Absolutely love a cuddle, yes full of energy but you learn ways to tire them out.

Your grieving a fantasy not real life.

My daughter is an absolute nightmare just now.
my husband dotes on his now elderly mum and dad, does everything for them and is down every single day even just for ten mins to check in on his way home.
I only wanted girls too, could never see myself with a boy. I got two girls and I am struggling big time with my eldest.
honestly, be careful what you wish for.

DH has a sister, DH is closer to his mum than she is, DH picks up more than the lions share of helping his mum, both are local to her. My relationship with DMIL hasn’t always been great but that hasn’t stopped DH caring for his mum.

We have DS 21, away at Uni, even when he has a girlfriend he always checks in a few times a week, we do give both our DC wings to fly, maybe when and if he finally settles down contact may dwindle but he can see his dad caring for his mum so I’m hoping DS will follow his example.

Enjoy your little boy, I would never change mine.

I completely disagree with what your mum says, it’s just another way for society to make sure daughters have a certain “role” to play.

I have 2 boys and a girl, and I would say my boys are closer to me than my daughter, and that’s just due to her nature, she just likes doing her own thing and being independent, and good on her I say. All my kids are adults and I have not experienced what you or your mum are describing.

i feel sorry for your son, because if you go on to have a daughter later on your son is going to be pushed to the side because of what your mum has put into your head.

You've just been conditioned by your mum to feel this way.
Baby boys are AMAZING and toddler boys are usually more affectionate and grown up boys are fiercely protective in my family experience. There's no relationship like a mother son relationship. You are so lucky.
Baby girls are also amazing! I have a baby girl and honestly there's nothing traditionally girly about her when you think of stereotypes and she is so perfect and I love her so much. Do you know who she loves and prefers? Her dad 😂 her nan, her granddad, anyone but me right now!

You can choose to be happy OP. It doesn't feel like a choice but it is. You're choosing to hyper fixate and get carried away by a day dream. You can't change the baby you have. But you can choose to love and embrace what you have in front of you. Let go of the day dream. Choose to be happy. Don't choose this misery. It's not fair on the baby but also not on you or any future boys you may have.

These threads ENRAGE me. You are carrying a child....how dare you be disappointed in him before he's even born because of some sexist trope?
You build the relationship through your child's life and you raise them to be good people who care for their family.

Have a read of this thread- and see that a mother daughter relationship doesn't guarantee anything.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5514465-do-you-like-your-mum

This is utter nonsense. Im sorry, but that poor wee boy.

Hi OP, it’s totally natural to feel like this. I desperately wanted my first born to be a girl and when it wasn’t I felt the same sense of disappointment. I can honestly say that my son, now age 11 is an absolute joy and having a mother son bond is just as special. After some fertility issues the second time round, I was blessed with a girl. She is also a joy but perhaps hasn’t been as cuddly as my son as she is so independent. Different gender, different personalities, life circumstances and so on all come into play. I can guarantee that you will look back at this and smile. Nothing takes away from having your own baby and I guarantee that instinct will take over once he arrives.x

I’d sooner have boys than girls tbh, I have 4 boys they are amazing. No I don’t have a mother daughter bond for obvious reasons, I didn’t have that with my mum and just because you have a girl doesn’t mean you will get on and be best friends.

as for the wife nonsense my sons lovely girlfriend is wonderful and we meet up etc I honestly think if you have a good relationship with your child this will not happen. Boys are wonderfully affectionate and loving (well mine are) I totally understand disappointment but once he’s here and in your arms you’ll feel differently. It wasn’t an option for me to find out, nhs didn’t tell you and I am too tight to pay so I didn’t know and I think that is better or was for me.

i hope your feelings pass and you can try to think of all the wonderful times you’ll enjoy with your lovely boy

I have a colleague who calls in on his elderly mum daily to make sure she took her meds and is OK for food. His sister is too busy raising her children to do this.

Your son will be what you raise him to be. If you treat him like a disappointment, he will reject you for it.

Using Mom isn't an AI flag. It's a Black Country regional flag. Unless you object to messages from Middle Earth, Mom is perfectly normal

I am sympathetic to sex disappointment (not gender!!) but this is extreme: you need to seriously deal with this before the baby comes otherwise my heart breaks for your poor son being so unwanted. You really shouldn’t have a 2nd when you would clearly be even worse if that baby was a boy to. You have very narrow views of son / mother relationships, it’s up to you as a parent to nurture your relationship regardless of the child’s sex. Please go and see a therapist

You need to seek professional help. Some of the language you are using here is very concerning. Feels like even if I said "if you don't want your baby, I'll happily adopt and raise him" that this wouldn't cause any instinctive protectiveness to kick in.

Would suggest that you start by speaking with your midwife and that you are as honest as you can be with them.

You don’t need to punch down on girls to big up boys. My teenage dds were a joy - their ups and downs were all part of the delight into seeing them grow into independent young women. Boys have their own ‘teen’ issues. It’s not a competition.

I totally get this. I wanted a girl and gave birth to a boy. I can still remember feeling so low and going past all the beds in the ward seeing the baby girl balloons and crying. He’s 25 years old now and I wouldn’t change him for the world but at the start I was so down