Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

A few of my female friends have very strained relationships with their mums.

I'll probably get shouted down, but not getting what you think you want seems super devastating when pregnant. I once wanted a bowl of Coco Pops and cried for hours because we didn't have any. I rarely get upset enough outside of pregnancy to ever cry.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to experience what you know. You know and understand the mother/daughter bond, so that's what you want. Now you're not getting it, and your pre-formed opinion of what you are is already tainted by your own mother. It's a shame, but you've not even met the little chap in person yet. Your bond will be what you make it.

God I hate that 'daughter is a daughter for life...' patriarchal nonsense, it's utter bilge and believe me once you have a baby you will not be worrying about what effects their potential future partners will be having in you in a few decades' time.

Not having a go at you OP, just the people who put this stuff in other's heads

The most shocking thing about your post is that you work in health care and don't seem t to understand that there is approx a 50% chance of a y chromosome and 50% chance of an x chromosome. Such a shame you didn't compute before getting pregnant. I can't compute how you didn't think it through in advance.

I hope neither mother nor mil have the misfortune to be cared for by someone with your sexist biases.

Get some therapy and read the equality act.

PS: my ds and dd are equally awesome. My DH does the caring for MIL, his sisters can't be bothered to arse themselves. DS and DIL aren't finding out the sex - they know it will be either a boy or girl and their priority is a healthy baby.

“A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.”
Bullshit. I am LC with my Mum for my own reasons, my brother lives near her, sees her regularly, house/cat sits when she goes away, goes on holiday with her. We are closer to my in-laws, my husband is an only child. If i was ever to have a child, I always thought I'd like a boy but i wouldn't be equally happy to have a daughter. As I can't have kids it'll never happen. Be thankful you have a baby.

You’ve judged this poor child before he’s even born on something that might happen in 20 odd or more years??? Give your head a wobble.

I'm borderline NC with my mum.

Kindly, you need to get a grip and not listen to old wives tales and stereotypes.

What an incredibly selfish post - you are thinking only of yourself. How will your poor child feel if you keep going like this? Really, get a grip - or get help. Its normal to celebrate a pregnancy not feel profound disappointment.

Truthfully, I wanted my first to be a girl but I didn't find out until birth. I convinced myself it was probably a boy but she did end up a girl. I was over the moon. Hoped for a boy with the second and he was a boy. I think I wanted the girl first to "secure' my desire for a girl. After that i hoped for a boy to experience one of each and to keep dh happy. You may well have a girl next, I would advise you to look up swaying to increase your chances.

God, I bet your mum pissed a lot of people with sons off by having that as her catchphrase-what a smug annoying thing to keep saying!

Using emdash is an AI giveaway though. It's next to impossible to generate that character unless through AI.

I know, i cant believe im reading such a comment

I’m the mum of 3 sons.

All grown up, I can assure you, you do not need to fucking grieve for me.

On the evidence of posts on MN the main downside of having a son is eventually having a daughter in law who will be programmed to detest you.

Please don’t grieve for me. My son is fucking amazing. I’ll grieve for all the women who can’t have children at all, or the ones like me who lost 6 babies before she got her boy.

My brother does way more for my mum than I or my sister do, as we have both moved 100s of miles away and he lives 20 minutes from her;
My DP also does loads for his mum. That horrible saying is only true if you bring your son's up to develop the sexist view that maintaining family bonds and caring for elderly relatives is a woman's job. If you bring your son up to not have those attitudes he will be a 'son for life's

Same here but mine are teens.

OP it is ok to feel sad but you need to have a word with yourself. If you only want one sex/gender you probably should be having children.

The OP must be a goady troll, it’s too obvious and she hasn’t bothered coming back to the thread.

I am saying this with compassion - please get some therapy to support you through this. Gender disappointment is experienced by many people but it sounds very extreme in your case and I feel so sorry for your son. Knowing your mother doesn’t want you must be so horrific and if he experiences any of your disappointment and rejection, I’m sure you will have a difficult relationship but it won’t be because he has a penis, it will be due to your issues.

Gezus, poor child is not even born. Sorry to be blunt but there is not much you can do about it. Time to get over yourself and hope you have a healthy baby!

Absolutely this. Thought it was just me. Shouldn't even be trying for a baby if you can only accept one sex. Imagine reading this post if you are unable to have children.

You could keep having babies until you get the girl you’re dreaming of, but she might end up living in Australia with a man, near his family and all your disappointing boys won’t be enough for you.

I also work in healthcare and think your experiencing conformation bias when it comes to daughters visiting. I work in elderly care and it’s pretty equal where I am.

Why can't you go on trips with your son? Why would that only be guaranteed with a daughter?

Perhaps thats something you should have considered before bringing an innocent life into the world. Theres a 50% chance that child will be male. Its incredibly sad that hes not even here and hes already disappointed you.
Some people dont deserve children

Agreed re your incorrect preconceptions of boys / sons.

I'm currently typing this from my in-laws where we are spending Easter week. DH and MIL have gone out for the day whilst I'm WFH. DH and PIL speak every single day and we see them as often as possible.

My best (female) friend doesn't even speak to her mum anymore and has been NC for about 10 years.

I really don't think it makes a difference. You either have a good parent / child relationship or you don't. Sex is irrelevant.