Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

If your DM has 4 daughters and no boys @CalmRubyPoster, she’s not really got any experience to judge mother- son relationships has she?

DM had 2 of each.
I had 1 of each.
In both cases, the homebodies are sons.

Same here, I totally agree, and the idea of those hen party holidays and spa days just make me shudder.

Good grief, I can’t believe what I’ve just read. “ Gender disappointment” This is a child we are talking about here. Grow up.

You really are getting way ahead of yourself if you are worrying about seeing less of him after he gets married or how much he will do for you when you are old. You have yet to enjoy years and years of happiness with your baby and little boy and further years when he is a young man. While having a son doesn't actually preclude you having a daughter at a later date, I am sure you will not love him any less than a girl.

How some ladies desperately trying to conceive must feel reading this…

You are having a baby, in a few months you’ll be holding a perfect little newborn.

Be grateful for what you have, you should just hope for a healthy baby to be honest.

Once the baby’s born you’ll love them and wouldn’t change it. Enjoy your pregnancy for what it is and get excited and prepared for your boy.

@JoannaVictoria i would imagine people
desperately trying to conceive would read the thread title and probably not click on it.
Either way it’s very clear from the title what it’s about and op is not responsible for every single other persons feelings ffs!

I never worry about this anymore because my husband is one of six boys between 17 (youngest) and 33 (oldest, my husband) and they’re all so close to their mum. They each call her daily and see her as often as possible. Me and her are quite different in personality but I do my best to relate to her knowing she is a mum of only boys and probably scared to lose them whilst still holding my boundaries which my husband supports.

I have a boy who I absolutely adore and now I’m pregnant with my second and final I’m actually hoping for another boy to give my baby a brother 🥹

Your mother is very strange, it sounds like she is justifying not having a boy after having 4 girls. All children have different personalities regardless of gender. I know some men that don't bother as much with their mums but others that are very close to them. It's usually how their relationship is, so treat your son well and likely he will want to spend time with you in your elder years. I have a dd and a son, my son is way more affectionate than my dd. Your so very lucky to be having a child fullstop. I'm sure you will get over this when you hold him in your arms. This is why if you really have a gender preference it's better not to find out until birth.

I really wanted a girl, but now that I have a boy I can’t imagine any other way. I am not sure how you envisage the experience but boys are the cutest most affectionate little things. He tells me he loves me every single day. He wants to marry me and stay together forever. He shares all his thoughts and feelings with me and we have the best relationship.
In my family my DH and his brother are super close to their parents. And my dad and his brother are and have always been super close to my grandma (who, at 101 years old still parents them!!!!!).

if you refer to not being able to get your nails painted together or play with dolls, you MIGHT not get that. But it’s not guaranteed you have that experience with all girls. And I genuinely love playing with my high energy son (who by the way at nearly 8 still adores playing with his stuffed toys, cooks for me, as well as rolling in mud and kick balls).

I find this shocking and disgusting. If you didn't want to get pregnant with a boy, you should've abstained from sex. It was 51% likely to happen. Your poor son. My son is the light of my life. All your preconceived ideas about girls and boys are utter tripe. I suggest you grow up. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this is just so awful OP and you need to pack it in and choose to react differently.

FGS. I have two of each and I wouldn't say I was closer to my DDs than to my sons.

Also, I can't stand my mother and yet my (golden child) younger brother thinks she's fine.

It worries me that you are in healthcare if you genuinely think every mother wants or needs a daughter. Or that all mother daughter relationships are blessed.

I have been on many short trips with both my son & my daughter. It really makes no difference what sex your child is. It all comes down to personality & whwther you enjoy spending time in each others company.

It’s always the boys 😢

Yes, every time. Really sad.

If it helps , I always wanted a boy. Peed on a stick and it was “Oh shit, I’m pregnant!”. My second thought was “Oh shit, it’s a girl!”. It was a girl , and I wouldn’t change her for the world, but for various reasons I was really worried /panicked about having a girl and not a boy.

Your feelings are entirely understandable OP, but that hasn’t been my experience at all. My DS married a wonderful young woman who is as much a daughter to me as my own DD and we are all very close. I have done regular weekly childcare since their first DC was born and they both go out of their way to involve us in their lives. I know my experience may not be typical, but it is possible to remain close to sons as they grow up and establish families of their own.

This is perhaps a reason why finding out the sex before the birth is not necessarily a good thing.

With DS1 we didn't mind although dh wanted a son. DS2 all we knew was that he had a congenital heart condition 99% lokely to be incompatible with life. I might have got to 34 weeks, the lungs might have been well formed, he might have lived to four months, there mifht have been a heart and lung transplant available. He was born at 27 weeks and spent a few hours with us.

I was pg again v quickly and we did not find out. I desperately wanted a boy to replace ds2 - I don't think I'd have coped if I had been told I was carrying a girl. DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 was born and died. In the adrenaline powered thrill of having a pink and screaming baby I was delighted to meet my daughter. It is nature's way.

Forgive me for having little sympathy with the op l, who I hope has a healthy baby and who I hope is spared real grief and heartache.

I agree it's much better not to find out in advance, if you have a definite preference. I am so sorry for your loss.

I felt exactly the same when I found out I was having a boy. All I’d ever dreamt of was having a little girl. There were no boys at all in my family and I desperately wanted a daughter, for all the reasons you said op.

25 years later. My beautiful son still lives at home and has been the absolute joy of my life. We have the exact same sense of humour and are like two peas in a pod and very close.

My sister had a girl who got married young and moved to the other side of the world. Don’t waste any more time feeling sad, trust me. Once you see his little face you’ll be happy.

One of my adult sons and I are currently rehearsing to play and sing together at a family event .
It was his idea, and will be a complete surprise . He loves his old mum !
( we are good amateur musicians but have never done anything like this before !)
Im close to all my children in different ways .
And you will be too
Enjoy him and love him and everything else will fall into place.

Absolutely. Every time someone trots out this tiresome ‘truism’, I want to point out that it’s about gendered expectations of service, not daughters being automatically all warm and fuzzy with their parents.

Really? Get over to tiktok it's all mother - daughter trauma dumping and how they don't want to be anything like their mothers. 🫣

all the men in my life love and respect their mothers and have never caused them any grief in comparison to the daughters, sorry to say. It seems daughters can really go in at their mums and not pick at how they were brought up etc not sure why, I know as I have sisters.

I have a DS, he is my absolute joy. We adopted him when he was 4.5 . What broke my heart before he was ours was that if he didn’t find a home with us he would probably remain in care, everybody wanted girls or more than an only.

He has opened my eyes to life. He is wonderful, boys are fab (I’m sure girls are too) . I hope you realise what a gift he is going to be

Not all mothers have daughters they get on with.
Some seem to think a girl is going to be their best friend a little dress up dolly.
Thats not the case with all.

Im an orphan all i know about my family is my mother wanted a boy not a girl.
I feel sorry for some kids having parents that are disappointed with them befor they are even born.
My mother must have hated finding out i was a girl, i was giving up at birth.
She never even put her name on my brith record or even give me a name, she left me in on the ward.

Some parents make me sick,think of the guilt when you have him and know you didnt even want him in the first place.

I knew there would be some harsh replies on here and I’m not wrong! Here goes …

I have an older brother and he’s always dominated my life in various ways. So perhaps on a subconscious level I had a bit of a ‘boys bad girls good’ in my head before I got pregnant. Or maybe I just wanted my daughter to have the childhood and adolescence I’d have wanted. Who knows.

My first baby was indeed a boy and it seemed girls were everywhere when I had him. I loved him but I did pine for a girl, was secretly jealous of my NCT friends with girls and pink outfits and cute hairstyles as they grew up while it seemed I was stuck between sludge, dinosaurs or Spider-Man. (I was actually in Next this afternoon and I was hard pushed to find anything that wasn’t gaming, dinosaurs or Spidey. Anyway.)

When I got pregnant a second time I didn’t find out because I knew I’d feel disappointed, really disappointed, not just ‘aww I’d have preferred a girl.’ I had a planned section and I lay awake all night before it fretting about what would happen if it was a second boy and I just didn’t bond. (It felt really like the stakes were very high because I knew I wouldn’t be having another baby.)

One of the things I did do was think about friends with really cute little boys. What were their relationships like, what sort of things did they do, wear, get up to? It helped me see life with two boys wouldn’t just be fighting and football. And I started to get excited.

As it was I had a girl and I’ll admit, I was euphoric. But I also know that another boy would have been loved and cherished just as my first ds is and always will be. He might be a boy but he’s my boy and that gives him just something of an edge.