Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

Don’t be so sure daughters and not sons show up for their elderly parents. It’s character, bond and life events that informs that. Don’t be myopic. All the best.

In many ways I am closer to my son than I am to my daughter although I love them both equally.

That old saying about a daughter's a daughter all her life while a son is a son until he takes a wife is just a nonsense.
The sex of your child really doesn't matter their personality is what's important. I don't think it's healthy to long for a child of either sex because you are making a lot of assumptions about them and their behaviour based on their sex before they are born.
Enjoy your little boy when he arrives.

You're being ridiculous! Having a daughter doesn't guarantee a close relationship, I can't stand my mother at all, but she has very close relationship with my brother.
Who's to say you won't be close with your son or have a daughter in future anyway?
I remember all the fun I had with my son, getting the chance to play with all the boys toys at long last and really have some fun with him.
You sound very silly and childish, get some therapy

I'm sorry you feel like that but boys are great. I have 2 men now and they are fabulous.
I promise you, you will look back in a few years and wonder why you felt so sad.

I agree - poor little boy, being born to be a disappointment. Maybe that has something to do with how such boys relationships with their mothers develop ?

I agree. This is awful, poor baby

I think you need to be gentle with yourself OP, it sounds like you're in an emotional state at the moment and not looking at this rationally. I can imagine it probably is true that daughters tend to show up as the caregivers for elderly parents more than sons do, but I think that is very much a product of a society that dictates 'caregiver' as a female role....it doesn't mean you have to bring your son up to believe the same (as a feminist, I'd actively encourage you not to). I think you also need to relax your expectation of a mother/daughter relationship. If you do have a daughter in the future, there's no guarentee you will have that 'dream relationship' and it could be quite damaging to both of you to put so much pressure on it. Try to just enjoy the wonderful child you are about to have...I appreciate this may be easier said than done.

FWIW, I have a mother who is incredibly emotionally needy and over the years has wanted to replicate in me the relationship she had with her mother. It's never happened because you just can't force that kind of thing and she's not been able to accept it. It's completely destroyed what could've been a healthly (though not perfect) relationship.

Of course the men in your family drift away. Your mother is making it quite clear she doesn’t want them, like them or value them. She should be ashamed.

I love all my children and will make every effort to stay in their lives as a parent who supports and helps them no matter their sex.

Love your child - that’s it.

I felt the same as you when I found out my second was a boy. I really wanted DD to have a sister as I have a great relationship with mine. But 13 years later my son is the best and we have a great relationship. He is kind, funny, loyal and a joy to spend time with and still gives the best cuddles. The teen years with my DD were really hard and that’s been true of all my friends. DH is really close to MIL so not sure your mum’s saying applies to everyone

"A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife."

I absolutely detest this phrase, I wish we could ban it. Weird, possessive, controlling attitude to have towards children. They don't exist to belong to you.

It's just an old fashioned saying. If you do your best to maintain a good relationship with your son as he grows and is grown up, having a wife has nowt to do with it.
My partner was close to his parents all his life. They were incredibly lovely people so I could see why.

Have you seen the post do you like your mum? There is an awful lot of daughters who can't stand their mum on that thread.

My partner’s oldest daughter hasn’t spoken to her mother for years.. my sons are very close to me

get over yourself

All feelings are valid blah blah blah - the crying is likely hormones all over the place but it is time to get a bloody grip.

If you choose to have children, then part of that is knowing that there is no guarantee about what sex they are, and that there are risks that it might be a multiple pregnancy or there may be difficulties.

If you can't cope with that, you should not have children.

Your stereotyped ideas about having a daughter are simply untrue and massively outdated. Your son or daughter may stay at home or go abroad to live, they may connect with you, or you may have a tricky relationship.

I am sorry you are struggling. You must have known there was a 50/50 chance of a boy. Your views are outdated and sexist. That’s partly down to your mum’s views. You need to break the cycle for your sake and your little boy’s. I know I sound harsh and I am sorry about that as I can tell you are genuinely struggling. I had a dreadful relationship with my mum, my brother and her are extremely close. Yes, traditionally a lot of daughters remained ‘close’ to their mothers/parents but not because of some beautiful bond that only daughters can bring but because society limited women to caregiver, nurturing roles. Almost all my friends who have sons have absolutely lovely relationships with them. This can happen for you too x

There are plenty of pluses to having a boy. It starts quite soon with simple things like clothes that aren't ludicrously skimpy and tight fitting or horribly pale and pink. Much easier to buy toys that are better fun, Barbie will be easy to swerve.

Boys are sensitive and usually get on well with mums. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't step up if you need help when you are elderly. The difference might be that they won't give up their jobs to do so. Personally I think that's a plus a good parent doesn't want a child to give up their career or livelihood.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I’m here to reassure you 🫶
but firstly just to say you will get some awful replies on here from people who either haven’t experienced this or just overall have no empathy. This will make you feel ten times worse than you already do. I would suggest maybe asking MN to delete the post… being told that people feel sorry for your poor, poor son etc is just so excessive and silly, of course you’re going to love your son and treat him beautifully, it doesn’t mean you can’t mourn your hypothetical daughter. The two things are not the same issue. Nowhere have you said you’re not going to love or enjoy a boy. You’re just scared you may never get a girl. And honestly I felt exactly the same.

Overall I always wanted 3 kids and was keen for that to include 1-2 boys. But when I found out my first was a boy, I was so anxious and worried I may never get my little girl. The uncertainty surrounding something I had ALWAYS wanted was terrifying. Having no control and wanting it so much… I knew that I would always mourn a daughter if I didn’t get one and worried about the long term impact on my mental health.

And honestly if I never got a girl (I did have one 2nd) I don’t think that sadness would ever have fully gone away. It wouldn’t have been there everyday at all, I would overall felt so blessed and happy but just in little moments where you see mother daughter bonding, particularly as adults! I know there would have been little niggles. However nowhere near what I was imagining when first pregnant with a boy.

When you meet your boy you will just be so so so sooooo blown away by love for him, that it will 90% distract/remove from any worries about not having a future daughter. Because you will be absolutely and utterly obsessed with him and so pleased to have a son.
You will honestly just not believe the love that comes. Boys are so loving and cuddly and they just adore their mum. They’re also a hell of a lot of fun. So lots of wonderful things to come and who knows, you may well get a girl of you decide on a second baby! 👶🏼 ❤️

Also I know plenty of sons who do make the effort as adults and some who have actually been offering care in old age. It’s not unheard of. Like you I had also seen bad examples in my own family which fuelled my worries

Your description of boys/men and their mothers is not something I recognise at all. My DH is very family orientated and he adores his mum. It’s how he was raised.

I, on the other hand, have no relationship with my mum.

I have a boy and a girl. My boy is the image of his dad in his temperament (placid, laid-back) so we gel together very nicely and because of this we are very close.

My DD, on the other hand, is exactly the same as me (hot-blooded, fiery) and so we clash all the time. We are still close, but we argue like cat and dog.

You will be close to your son for the rest of your life if you raise him that way. The same as if you were having a daughter.

Either pull yourself together or seek professional help because crying all day because you are having a boy isn’t normal.

Aside from the bit about daughters doing more practical care in the mother's old age, I think you've got it the wrong way round.

I think mother daughter relationships tend to be far more complex than they are portrayed, if I think of my quite wide and diverse social circle I can only think of two women who have a genuinely close relationship with their mothers (and one of those was only salvaged after a few years of her mother being absolutely awful to her during her teen years).

By contrast I think boys and men tend to dote on their mothers. According to a lot of men I know, their mothers can absolutely do no wrong. My own Dad was like this and so me and my siblings were brought up to be every inch as close to her as we were to our maternal grandmother.

My friend was disappointed when her third pregnancy was another boy as like you she longed for a girl. Her youngest is 14 now, eldest 22 (or thereabouts) and she says she can't imagine it any other way, and that there's something very special about having this 'squad' of boys and men around her, I get the sense she's feels really treasured by them. The middle one is an especially gentle soul and is happy to do some of the more 'typically feminine' past times with her.

You grieve for mums of boys?? The fuck??

Are you mature enough to look after a human?

My first baby was a boy and I was over the moon.

When I was pregnant for a second time I was secretly hoping for a girl and when I was told at the scan that it was another boy I admit I was disappointed and I did want to cry. It was hard trying to pretend I was happy. It wasn’t that I didn’t specifically want a boy though, it was just because it was going to be our last baby so I knew I would never get to experience having a daughter.

However…. skip to now, I have two boys and they are AMAZING!!!!!!

But anyway, back to mothers and daughters…..

I am no contact with my mother….we had a very dysfunctional relationship growing up (not that she’d admit it) and I’m still in counselling now aged 42.

A HUGE part of the dysfunction is the fact that she had a dream of what having a daughter should be like….and all that pressure was then transferred onto me. When the reality wasn’t what she envisaged she couldn’t cope and sadly I bore the brunt of that.

In some ways it might be a good thing you aren’t having a daughter because already you’ve shaped your hypothetical daughter into something/someone you want her to be and you’ve already created a fictional and ideal relationship that you want with her….. and that is NEVER a good thing to do.

You should go and read an ongoing thread in the Relationships forum that is called “We took you to stately homes” and you can read all about women who have awful relationships with their mothers.

A woman having a daughter instead of a son is absolutely no guarantee of them having a wonderful and ongoing relationship with their child.

My SIL absolutely hates her mum.

I know lots of women who tolerate their mothers out of duty but don’t particularly like them. I’m sure the same can be said for sons too but don’t kid yourself that having a daughter means a better relationship with your child is guaranteed.

Honestly OP - save yourself from years and years of grief and trauma….. forget the rubbish narrative of how wonderful daughters are and how special mother and daughter relationships are guaranteed to be because the truth is usually FAR from that, and just embrace the wonderful little baby boy that is coming into your life.

You have an unrealistic fantasy. A daughter won't guarantee you are close. Kindly, you need to get a grip A little bit. FWIW, you have what I don't - A son.

Sorry but your assumption that if you have a girl you will automatically have a great relationship is misguided. Read the many Mumsnet thread about problems with mothers and going no contact. There is no guarantee your relationship will be great with a daughter and not with a son. In my case my mum and i have always had a terrible relationship from early teens onwards and it has only got worse over time. You need to reframe your thinking to What you want is a healthy baby and regardless of sex you can have a good relationship if you are a good parent.

Gender preference is real but if your gender disappointment is this extreme to the point you’re worrying about the relationship you’ll have with him when he’s a grown adult I would suggest prenatal counselling.. your midwife will be able to refer for you.

I’m another mum who has a little boy coming here to say he is the sweetest child and more than I could dream of. My DH is extremely close to his parents.

Pregnancy is a huge blessing. A healthy baby is a HUGE blessing. Boy or girl you will love them the same