Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

The first reasons were perfectly valid. I can understand wanting a girl. But the stupid stereotypes in the last reason are so ridiculous. I have a son and he acts and does all the things you describe being girl behaviour. Maybe your pre conceptions and stereotyping have made your son into factors and 'boisterous' all my niece's are way more outdoorsy, loud, adventurous than the two boys in my family.

I will also never understand why the world has an obsession with dressing girls like they are a doll. They take in the message from a young age that their worth is looking good for other people. It's like everyone is insane. I'm expecting a girl and everyone is desperate to give me girl clothes and they have this mad glint in their eye when they give it to me that they never had when giving me boy clothes.

Everyone bought my son cars as soon as they could. He wasn't interested, but let's see is she gets any card. Your son's love of tractors didn't spring from nowhere. You would think we live in Saudi Arabia where women can't drive.

It's nurture! Girls are told their worth is in behaving themselves, being good, sitting quietly. They take in this message from birth.

The whole girly thing made me so angry. What if you have a girl who doesn't want to be girly with hair and dresses. What if you have a girl that is not interested in that. Sorry but healthy baby is the priority not ribbons curls and dresses

I have two boys, now 23 and 20. People said oh boys can play with dolls and dress up etc, and when little they can and they do. But I know of none of my friends with adult children who go for coffee with their sons, on holidays, weekends away, shopping. They do it with their daughters. I know mothers and sons can do this, and there will be those that say that they do, but on the whole it’s far far less likely. My boys like F1 and football and go with DH, and that’s fine.
At one time I would have liked a girl too, but certainly not enough to have a third child. And actually what time has taught me is that for us, and for my boys in relation to each other, having two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome.

This is a female dominated forum. Statistically men are more likely to want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. A male forum would read very differently.

My perspective @nmhermione. Our first was a boy, our second was a boy, our third was a girl. We didn't find out the sex.

DS1: 12 week scan fine, 20 week scan fine.
DS2: 12 week scan fine, 20 week scan identified a congenital heart condition incompatible with life. We were offered a termination but also told "if the pg gets to 34 weeks, if the heart and lungs are well developed, if a heart/lung transplant were available at approximately 4 months, there was an infinitesimal chance of life. He was born at 27 weeks and lived for just over two hours.
DD: 12 week scan fine, 20 week scan fine. Born after term , pink and screaming.

I spent all of dd's pg desperately needing a boy to replace the son I lost and buried. He would be 28 now. I might not have coped had I known she was a girl. It was a dark time. I loved her more than my heart could bear from the moment she was born.

May I gently suggest you give yourself a talking to and contemplate your good fortune whether the baby is a boy or girl. I would also suggest you make it clear to your family that the odds of a boy are usually evens and out of anybody's hands. Be firm that the baby's sex already been determined by your dh's sperm and negative comments are far from welcome.

I have tried my very hardest to be polite to you.

I felt exactly the same as you do 25 years ago! I wanted to know the sex so that I had time to prepare myself so that I wouldn't be disappointed with a potential boy at the birth. I already had 2 sons. Initially it took me a few weeks to get used to the idea but I looked at all the positives, clothes and toys that would come into use once again and easier for sharing bedrooms.
I had him at home, the most wonderful experience and I loved him straight away. The older brothers were thrilled with him and did lots to help.( I have a 9 year gap between child 2 and 3) He is now grown up but enjoys some of the more feminine things in life so we have a bit in common.
My 3 sons are all very caring and gentle people, my mum never got on with any of her daughters so I think things turned out the best for me in the end.
Remember that your little one is a whole new person, you can do things with him that you would do with a daughter with him. A gentle son eventually makes a wonderful dad I've noticed. Good luck with your pregnancy

You may be disappointed but when you meet your child you will love it no matter what. Hope all goes well for you.

Couldn’t agree more.

i think this type of thinking about gender disappointment is actually shameful.

Definitely agree with not finding out. It takes away the issue of whether it’s a boy or girl, and instead you focus on having a surprise at the birth. It was so exciting for all three of my children that I didn’t know who they were before they popped out. And think of them as humans, with a unique personality that you can look forward to seeing develop rather than ‘a boy’ or ‘a girl’. All boys and girls are so different, it’s too simplistic to be that binary about it.

I understand this. I have three boys (soon to be 4) and it’s not about not loving this baby regardless, it’s about closing the door on ever having a daughter forever and never knowing how that might have looked for you.

I feel sad when I think I will never have a daughter, the end of my maternal line, I will never have the opportunity to raise another mother, I don’t have a daughter to pass on my things to etc. it’s not entirely rational but that’s how I feel.

I also hear you on the family pressure, my family would desperately have liked this last baby to be a girl. I find the comments of strangers incredibly irritating and exasperating as well. Especially those who express pity for me?

I had a boy first, was slightly disappointed to not be pregnant with a girl but he's amazing, then was very focused on having a girl as my second, but occasionally now wonder if things would have been easier with a second boy (she's also gorgeous). I would have faith in yourself that we always wonder about the path not lived but you will adore your kid and they will be super special because they are them. I also think that we spend too much time focused on the differences between genders when there are often much more limited than the other differences between people - your second child will be unique and special in their own way and its ok to have these thoughts, it won't stop you adoring them and being happy.

I find it interesting how different we all are really. I have 2 boys. My first baby was a girl who died at 2 weeks old( born at 33 weeks). I never had a gender preference just wanted healthy children. I do find it hard to understand preferences but that does not mean I dismiss them ifykwim.

You are allowed to be disappointed about things, even if other people think they shouldn’t matter.

Similarly, I’ve seen threads where people have wanted a surprise at birth, only to have it spoilt for them sometime in the pregnancy, with posters commenting things like “oh for goodness sake! All that matters is a healthy baby.” Saying things like that, and bringing up infertility and loss, reflects badly on them, not you.

I think a lot of women do want a daughter and shouldn’t feel guilty for that preference.
Men are very open and honest about wanting a son and cheer with delight and congratulate each other when it’s a boy as if it’s expected but woman are shamed.

I agree @Rhaenys ....it can be difficult for some who have experienced infertility and loss to comprehend gender disappointment but also some of those people may also be disappoinred or worry that they will be.Although I don't think it relects badly upon people who talk about infertility and loss/ or mention healthy baby either. We are all different!

I know exactly how you feel op. I was 42 when I found out I was pregnant, I knew this was my one and only chance to have a child. I was so rel8eved when I found out I was having a girl, for exactly the same reasons as you. I remember telling my mum I would be gutted if it was a boy, and she said no you wouldn't, but I knew I would. Just remember it's out of your hands and for sure you'll love your baby at the end of the day l.

They are your thoughts now but the reality of having your baby in your arms is likely to make you feel completely differently.
I have two boys, I would have liked one of each initially, but the excitement of my older son when he found out he was having a brother was lovely. Also, all children are different. Mine both spent a fair bit of time doing arts and crafts and loved books as well as active things. My youngest kept getting mistaken for a girl when he was little.

Be glad you will have two healthy children.
Many women would give their lives for your situation

I never understand these posts

Dreaming about a girl to dress up, names etc

Two boys is fabulous

One of each is fabulous

Children are fabulous

And yet you felt the need to comment on something you don’t understand.

I think it's completely normal to have gender preferences - not rational, because they are based on what you think your child will be like, but definitely normal.

I agree with PPs about not finding out in advance. As you say, you'll love a boy to bits, so why put youself through potential disappointment and feeling guilty about it, just wait for the baby to arrive and you will overwhelmingly happy and tired regardless.

Bejesus - the OP makes it v clear she knows all that.

Oh don't be so flipping ridiculous.

Domestic abuse is shameful. People being homeless in the UK is shameful. Our wealth divide is shameful.

Wanting a girl or a boy is just a feeling some people have. It does not mean they won't love the baby either way and there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Two boys is the absolute best and it makes me sad when I see posts like this on here.