Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

It’s not that I’m offended personally I just think it’s just an odd view to have to be “gutted” about a baby, if you are lucky enough to be able to get pregnant and have a healthy child.

I don't think thr PP was offended, or that they dispute how you feel. I think they are questioning the wisdom of bring a child into the world if you have a 50% chance of starting it's life by being gutted about who they are.

I was desperate for a little girl during my third pregnancy, my second was a little girl but she was stillborn. Now I couldn’t imagine life without my two boys and didn’t feel any disappointment after the actual birth

I remember secretly longing for a girl before I had kids too. We'd be so close, doing girly things...I did get one, she has always been closer to her dad and now at 13 she identifies as a boy. And hates the beautiful name I gave her.
My boys are actual sunshine on a cloudy day.

20 years ago, when I was 7m pregnant with my 2nd child, I knew I wanted a girl - I'd been disappointed when ds1 was born that it wasn't a girl and whilst I loved him this disappointment had lasted a few months.

A couple of months later I had a bba due to very short labour, and was sitting on my bedroom floor cradling the baby I'd just delivered whilst then dh called 999.
They asked a few questions and then "is it a boy or a girl?". I didn't want to look as I didn't want the disappointment.
I checked, it was a boy - I felt a second of disappointment then a wave of utter love for this tiny baby boy I'd just given birth to, which continues to this day 💙.

I wish I'd also had a girl as well, but wouldn't change the 2 young men I have for anything.

Edit: I didn't want a baby girl to dress up, or anything like that. In fact I didn't particularly want a girl child. What I was disappointed in was the thought of not being able to replicate the very close relationship I have with my mum, and that my mum had with her mum.

My first was (is!) a boy.

I did NCT with him and we have a girl heavy group. A couple of the women have said openly how pleased they were to have a girl and that it’s their reason for stopping at one.

I like to think they’d have loved a boy regardless. But I do think there’s a definite intolerance for boys in our culture. They are tolerated until about fourteen months max then it’s ’ugh BOYS’ sort of reactions.

Don't do this to YOURSELF.

If your baby is a boy or a girl, what does it matter. He is your flesh and blood - it's who we are, not what we are.

As a midwife, I care deeply about women bonding with their babies and I don't like to see women getting swept away by the "but if only he/she was..."

I only ever wanted a girl and I got a girl she’s amazing and I love her! However….shes an absolute moody stroppy diva! Everything is “well it’s my choice!” She could literally be talking about it’s my choice to kick the dog and boys just don’t seem to have that nasty mean streak that girls do so even if it is another boy at least you won’t have to deal with that.
also she never lets me do her hair she won’t wear the pretty dresses I want her to just the tacky ones

I knew DC #1 was a boy. I just knew it. I didn't want to know at the scan, I didn't need to. I then knew DC #2 was a boy. I was soooo excited that he might be that I asked. And he was!

Personally, I would have struggled with a girl. For so many reasons. The relief of having two sons and not a daughter was immense.

I was in your exact position OP.

I had no preference for our first baby, which was a boy, but when it came to Baby number 2, I knew it would be our last baby and so I was hoping for a girl.

It wasn't because I specifically didn't want a boy, but because I knew that it would be my last baby and that if it wasn't a girl I would never get to experience what it would be like to have a daughter.

Anyhow, the 20 week scan came round and we were told it was a boy and I did really sad. I tried to act all happy and smiley to match the energy of the sonographer and my husband but inside I felt really sad.

It took me a few days to accept the fact that I wasn't going to have a daughter but once I made peace with that, I then started to feel so excited at the thought of having another boy!!!!

As I'm sure you're aware from your current son, boys are amazing, and having two of them is incredible!

And when I look back on those day of finding out the sex, I did want a girl for my own sake, but for my son's sake I am so glad it was another boy. My personal opinion is that in general, siblings form closer bonds with siblings of the same sex, than they do if their sibling is the opposite sex. I know that is just an anecdotal generalisation, but it's still one that I hold.

My boys are 11.5 years old and 8 years old now and they absolutely adore each other!! They love each other so much, they do everything together, they are always telling each other, "you're my best friend" and they just can't be separated. Even at the age they are now, they still don't want their own bedrooms and love sharing. They do the same activities, they share the same hobbies, they have a lot of joint friends, they share a lot of interests, they spend a lot of time with each other outside of school, and I don't think this would be the case as much if they weren't the same sex (especially as they are getting older now).

They have got such similar physical qualities too - they're little carbon copies of each other. They're just adorable!!!

To summarise, I am so, so, so unbelievably glad that I have two boys, watching them grow up together and form such a close brotherly relationship has been so special and I hope it is one that continues to thrive.

If my husband ever agreed to a 3rd child (he won't) I would absolutely want another boy to add to the gang!!! My dream would is to be surrounded by lots of lovely sons!!

If you do find out you're carrying another boy, allow yourself to grieve for the daughter you'll never have, but then shift your focus to the wonderful son that's going to join the family and start imagining how wonderful that's going to be, not just for the joy he's going to bring to your life, but also because it means your current son is going to get to grow up with a brother - and then smile as you think about how that could be a lifelong, really special relationship for them both.

Why do you want a girl? I have both a boy and girl, and tbh I have more in common with my son. He’s more chatty, friendly, and affectionate than my daughter, he wants to play games more, do arts and crafts, and go out and do things. My daughter just wants to watch YouTube all day. Be careful what you wish for!

I honestly don't get this. Why the need to disparage girls by saying you would have struggled.

It's your child. What is this fixation with a child's sex.

I haven’t experienced gender disappointment but can understand the perspective of one door closing if you’re sure this is your last child.

I have a daughter and am currently pregnant with our second. I think it’d be lovely to have another girl but being my second and last child that would mean I won’t have a son.

I do get the point of those who’ve mentioned fertility issues as it does give perspective and it has taken us a long time to get to this point - we do just want a healthy baby and I really don’t mind if I have a son or daughter next.

The ‘door closing’ feeling isn’t a sadness for me but more a wondering or curiosity about a different path not explored. Maybe similarly to wondering how life might’ve been different if I’d had kids earlier or moved to a different country when I had the chance. But that curiousity would be true whether I have two girls or a boy and a girl.

I agree that boys and girls are people and not stereotypes but there are often differences between boys and girls/ men and women - not necessarily better or worse but different- so can sort of understand some of your expectations of being a boy mum or boy&girl mum, even if those expectations turn out to be very different in reality. Hope you can come to a place where you feel peace with whatever outcome. At the end of the day you know what really counts maybe you just need a bit of time to adjust to either possibility.

It's absolutely fair and you did so sensitively. It does add an additional perspective. I hope you will the baby you wish for soon. I'll add something ludicrous to this conversation but want to just in case it helps, pls ignore, if your situation is much more complex. I struggled to conceive but even more so with baby no 2. Pre-Seed seriously helped me get pregnant relatively quickly once we started using it. I then had 2 early losses but after that was on progesterone, which worked. As said, please don't take offence if this is not useful but I know other families who used Pre-Seed and they got their BFP.

I think the recommendation to not find out until birth is interesting. I’ve also experienced gender but found it helpful to find out during pregnancy so that I could process my feelings before the birth. I’ve never felt that immediate rush of love anyway (not everyone does), and worry that if I had my non-preferred sex at birth that my feelings combined with all of the hormones etc would be more complicated.

I have two boys. They’re the best. In their 20s now and if I could have I’d have five or even six boys. Love being the mother of boys.

This. My midwifery colleagues and I were chatting about this the other day, referencing a sentiment similar to "they are yours and you are theirs" . We don't like to see the mother-child bond underestimated and some of my colleagues can be quite forthright! Girls, boys, women, men - We are all in the race together. It's a life you have created, not a person to fulfil a particular social role.

Ffs not the cute dresses and hair stereotypes.

my mum had those visions of a well brought up young lady with polished nails and pretty clothes. Nice hair and manners.

that is not me. We don’t get along now. I don’t fit her vision of the daughter she wanted. I was closer to my dad, we went to the park, played sport, went swimming. My mum eventually stopped me training in secondary school because it made my hair smell of chlorine and I’d be getting interested in boys any way 🙄. She made me keep my hair very short if I wanted to swim.

dh is the fashion enthusiast and he’s the one who takes our dd shopping as he knows colours and designer brands. I’d have them in dark, practical clothes so we can play in the mud.

ditch your sex sterotypes and pay attention to what your child enjoys. Don’t force them into what you want to do. find common ground, for both your kids. The amount of times I see families separated by gender because the mum isn’t interested in “boy stuff” and would rather be with the girl shopping and doing hair.

I assumed DC1 would be a girl and was upset when I found out he wasn’t. But I was so in love with DC2 by the time I fell pregnant again I really couldn’t imagine having a girl and was delighted when I found out DC2 was a boy too. I think they have a better chance of being closer growing up being the same sex, and I’ve been able to re-use all DC2s clothes. So there’s downsides and upsides either way.

I’ve also always had a lot of fun dressing them up. There’s really cute boys clothes out there you just need to dig around a bit more.

Can you do one of those really early tests so you can find out what you’re having? That way you can get the potential disappointment out of the way sooner rather than later x

Two cheeks of the same arse. I detest this mentality. It worries me that adults feel this way about babies, especially babies they created.

Fingers crossed for you x

I am quietly rooting for a boy. I didn't get the girl I pictured but in hindsight it would have been so challenging to have a girl and not have her the exact way I pictured. If you don't get a girl, your son will have a brother! And two boys is so much FUN.

Ive never yearned after a daughter so was delighted with a boy. You feel how you feel at the end of the day.

My mum only wanted boys. When she had her third girl she told the midwife to 'take it away'. She went on to have a fourth and finally got her boy who was the golden child for the rest of her life.

It really shouldn't make a difference to any mother what sex their child is.