Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

I’m expecting my second boy, I couldn’t care less but have had lots of awful reactions when I’ve told people! I don’t really have any advice but would say if you think it’s going to bother you that much then I would find out earlier so you can process it before the baby is born.

I do understand, I really wanted a daughter and I did get one, and I think I would have been disappointed if I didn’t. But I also have a son that I love just as much, and I think your third point just isn’t reality. They both have their own personalities and don’t conform to stereotypes, my girl has lots of energy and is boisterous and loud, my boy is a lot calmer, likes books and role play. Lots of my friends DCs boys and girls are similar, I just don’t think the stereotypes are true for many DCs. You are just as likely to have a boisterous girl as a boisterous boy.

I am sorry for your position.

However, I’ll be honest and say I don’t like those posts. Should everyone who terminates a pregnancy feel shame and guilt because someone else can’t have children? I don’t believe we’d say this, so why does it come out on gender / sex threads? I guess because the sex of your baby is seen as something trivial and irrelevant and so it’s spoilt and princessy to make a fuss or be disappointed.

Usually there are deeper reasons for it, though. My mum died when I was a child and I was desperate for a daughter. I’d have adored my second no matter what and I know that now but that longing for a daughter wouldn’t have gone away.

And people who adopt predominantly want girls, and generally people come to adoption after fertility problems. The two issues are separate and IMO are best kept that way.

I understand how you feel OP. I secretly wanted a girl second time and did. However I had written a list of all the good things I would get if I had a second boy. I do think it helped me to see we would have a beautiful life either way

Sorry for your losses but this is not to put this on OP.

I have 2 boys, a good friend has 2 daughters. Her daughters were far more 'rowdy and chaotic' as kids than my boys were!

I adore my sons. They are 19 and 21 now and I just adore them and we're all very close. Guess what? They love coming clothes shopping with me and going for a coffee. It's not about male/female, it's the relationship you have with them.

Mine have lovely girlfriends now and I adore them, too.

It’s always the same story. People expecting boys and they wanted girls. Try being the thousands that struggle with infertility and would kill to have any baby . I know I would. You’re expecting a healthy baby that’s all that matters. The way the worlds going your son might decide he wants to be a girl in 20 years Anyway. And if not just think of the granddaughters you might get and can spoil.

I have 2 boys and I went through hell and back with fertility treatment and a horrific miscarriage to get the 2nd one. I can’t pretend a small part of me didn’t think it was a little bit sad I will never have a daughter when i found out my 2nd was a boy despite all that. I always imagined myself having a daughter. But it was fleeting, I feel so lucky to be able to have a second child after what i went through. Now he is here I wouldn’t swap him for a girl no chance at all. He is just perfect. You will feel the same way about your baby when they arrive. Anyway who is to say what your child will be like, you could have a daughter who hates all stereotypically girly things, I mean, they all have such different personalities regardless of their sex.

You don't have to agree with my opinion but the OP has posted and asked for the opinion of others and this is currently my opinion/perspective. It might help her.

Abortion and gender disappointment are two completely different things which I don't think you can compare. Personally, I'm pro-choice when it comes to abortion, I feel more strongly that a woman should be able to abort than bring a child she doesn't want into the world (or for whatever reason the abortion is for).

As much as the OP can express her gender disappointment, infertile women can also express that it's a struggle to understand gender disappointment when a pregnant woman has everything the infertile woman wants.

Although child free myself, I absolutely understand.
You are entitled to feel the way you do.

Always the same, nobody ever wants a boy on these threads. If you have a girl she might want to become a boy down the line anyway. Just be happy for a healthy baby many don’t get that opportunity.

I agree with this. I wanted a second girl but had a boy, I waited to find out till he was born and wasn't disappointed at all, just besotted.

I've replied to another poster but, she asked for opinions and this is mine. I was sympathetic to the OP but I gave her my perspective which might help her.

I have 2 boys and 1 girl and as a mother of 2 boys who were wanted and adored i feel the need to defend every single precious little boy whose mother may have felt even a tiny disappointment that they weren't a girl.
As a pp says it's always little boys who are the ones on these threads.
I can't imagine feeling disappointed when my new born was placed in my arms , there is so much more than just their sex, your body has grown them ,they are yours and you are theirs , pure love.
I wouldn't change my boys for the world and my equally loved daughter would have been welcomed just the same had she been born a boy.

I have a girl and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I have a gut feeling it's a boy but we really enjoy not finding out until birth. It's such a nice moment in the delivery room!

I never wanted a mini me I’ll tell you that l, just wanted a daughter and a son on the way. Felt disappointment in way and happy in others it passes

Always disappointed when thinking/ knowing it’s a boy, I find it quite tragic.
The stereotype of girls in cute dresses, doing their hair, shopping trips, being close etc.
You help shape and define the relationship you have with your child, it’s not about what sex they are. I really don’t get it.

Don’t find out! I think having the surprise will give you time to build excitement - everyone will be too delighted with the new arrival to care.

I have one girl and one boy and I love being a mum to each of them. Originally I wanted a boy - mainly because I didn’t see myself successfully parenting a girly-girl, and I also knew my dh would bond more easily with a boy. But our dc1 was a girl, and I didn’t find it difficult to adore her.

In fact I was so converted that I really wanted dc2 to be another girl! And this time I got a boy - and I love being mum to a boy (he’s so different to dd, and dh and ds are absolutely besotted with each other).

TLDR - don’t worry about your gender disappointment, once you stop overthinking and start living the reality of the baby you have got, you’ll be fine

I didn’t find out til birth, worried I would hate my reaction if it was a he.

he is amazing, and I didnt mind a bit. 2 boys are amazing.

I’m a woman and my mother made no secret of the fact she was sincerely devastated to learn I was to be a girl. She already had a boy, the light of her life, and did not want to deviate for her boy mum lifestyle. Girls are hard, girls are this and that. Women have hard lives and she can’t inflict it on her child. So much reasoning. Quite painful.

I have two little boys. I would have liked a girl very much but I do not think my boys are lacking anything. My oldest has the most beautiful long hair you’ve ever seen. The youngest holds my hand everywhere still at high school, he is affectionate and sweet and loves to spend time talking about cute animals.

Let your children be exactly what they are and you will find they’ll give you everything you ever wanted and so much more. It literally doesn’t matter what their genitals look like.

Get a dog later you can give the cute girl name too. It doesn’t have to go to waste.

Hi, OP, I have four sons and when I had my 20 week scan with my fourth I felt a tiny stab of disappointment when I was told I was having another boy but it lasted seconds and I could not have loved him more when he was born, it's normal to feel like you do but once your baby arrives it really won't matter.

I feel so bad about my disappearance finding out my second was a boy but I could not love him more! He's just the best

Gee you’re really going to have some therapy to deal with if you have a tomboy girl

How you feel is how you feel.

With our eldest, after we found out she was a girl, DH told me he was so relieved - he had pictured a daughter and said he was worried he would be disappointed and have to hide this from me/a son forever. I was glad that he told me. When you've pictured something a particular way, its hard to let go of that sometimes.

That doesnt mean he doesnt love the two boys we had next. Whatever your child is, you will love it and care about it. But I think its better to be open about your feelings as long as the child never finds out.

I do like dressing up my girls! I I like doing my eldest hair (DC4 was another girl and I have so far never managed to do anything other than drag a brush through which she immediately messes up.... we trim her fringe in her sleep to avoid total dragged-through-a-bush look). It doesnt mean I love them more or less than my boys. It's a bit of fun, but think about when you feel really strong, present love for the child you have now. I bet it isnt that sort of thing. This morning I had tears in my eyes while my shy son beautifully sing Away in a Manger. Pride and love dont come from dressing up.

One of my closest friends has 3 boys. She has told me that they tried for a 3rd only because they hoped for a girl. She loves her boys. But she does sometimes wish she had a little girl. She's Godmother to my youngest and likes to buy her pretty dresses and stroke her long hair. That doesnt make her boys feel she loves them any less, they are secure in how she feels for them.

If you have another boy, I promise you will love them, even if it takes a little while. When they smile at you, when they tell you they love you, when they make you proud. It wont matter whether they are a boy or girl. But its OK to feel a bit sad about some of the things that are slightly different.

Exactly this. The expectation put on tiny new children based on which set of genitals they have is insane. Oh well you’re a boy so you’ll be rough and tumble tractor child. I’m so sad I’m having a second boy because I want sweet and thoughtful long hair. Then the child is born and it’s, “oh dear I really expected the child to be this very specific personality type and now they’re showing signs of something else entirely. It doesn’t sit well with my genital based ideology of how children should behave and experience the world.”

Make it make sense. Both my boys are extremely different. If you didn’t know they were boys and I was to round off a few stories you could easily assume they’re girls.

How I have to spend a good hour drying the oldest’s hair, but it’s so worth it because the long blonde curls are exquisite. Gets compliments everywhere they go. How my youngest is the most gentle soul and gets quite tearful talking about how much they love this or that. My youngest’s favourite princess doll when they were in nursery and how often we watched Frozen together. The time I spend independently with each of them and how beautiful the connection we have is. The way they talk to me about crushes and we spill the tea together about what happened in school.

It’s almost like I never have to stop and think about them having a penis at all.