Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

The best way to deal with disappointment is to check your privilege. Getting pregnant is a privilege, as is having a healthy baby. Look up pages on social media and you'll see babies who've been in hospital for months, wired up to machines and been through multiple surgeries. Hopefully it will make you realize how lucky you are to be (hopefully) having a healthy baby.

I find all the comments "boys aren't more rowdy" here really bizarre.

I grew up with two brothers and six male cousins I saw regularly... YES! Boys are much more rowdy. My friends houses with two sisters were honestly such a different atmosphere - there is no comparison. I love my brothers but they weren't the same as sisters.

I now have two DDs and I've honestly been once again shocked by how different little boys and girls are (talking averages). I have thrown birthday parties for my DDs and the boys in general run around charging round the party while the girls sit and chat.

Whether it's nature or nurture I have no idea - but boys do get exposed to more testosterone in the womb and that is known to change people's behaviour!

I can’t get my 3 year old in a dress. I buy
them and she just doesn’t like them. Her hair is long, but will only let me put in a pony (her nursery worker is allowed to French plait)…. she loves football club and didn’t enjoy ballet - I know there’s still time for her to love different hobbies, but my point is girls are so much more than girly things! Most stuff that is ‘girly’ can be done with a well rounded boy.

My DGD won't wear a dress or want to look cute.

OP, try telling them to shut the fuck up.

I have just had my first, a little boy.
We only want two and would love if we are lucky enough to have a second, to have a girl but que sera sera.

You're feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel disappointment. It is normal for when something you want doesn't happen. Your will baby will be loved regardless!

I totally get the whole mindset about tractors etc but who's to say if it was a girl, she wouldn't love them too!

I also know people who have tried and tried to have the other gender and have had 4 sons or 4 daughters.

Anyway, I hope all goes well and you have a healthy pregnancy! 🍀

What's sad is that someone with that attitude will be just as a shit a mother to a girl as she would have been to a boy. I don't know which is worse, to be a disappointment or to be the focus of a load of expectations being placed on you of what you'll be like just because you have a vagina. Obviously the best outcome of all is that those people stop at none, not one.

I was a much wanted girl with three big brothers and I was a massive disappointment as I was a total tomboy who couldn’t sit still and was definitely rowdy. My brothers were all completely different and the one closest to me was quiet and liked art and reading.
The point is, they will be completely different no matter the sex. I have two healthy boys and would have loved two girls , two boys or one of each. I have a few friends who have had fertility problems and a friend who found out that her baby wasn’t developing normally at the 20 week scan. I was so scared that would happen that all I felt was relief. I do understand the desire for a daughter, I felt it too, but two healthy children is the best result. My boys are really close too. Good luck with your new baby

I really think that if you honestly believe that you might feel 'been there done that' about having a baby with a penis then it really would be better all round to get off the fence and just have a nice time on the childfree grass.

I get it ! I was pretty gutted that I was going to miss out on bringing up a girl as well as a boy when I first found out but you soon adjust and it didn't bother me at all after a few days .

@spottybaghottyhagthis argument always really irks me. People are allowed to feel how they feel, regardless of if people are worse off. I lost a baby girl and still felt disappointed when my next (healthy) baby was a boy, I didn’t choose to feel that way but I felt it nonetheless.

You appear to have these strange boxes into which girls and boys appear to be boxes.

My 10 year old son is heavily into sports and games and has an entirely boy circle of friends. He is also the most sensitive (too sensitive) kid I know, currently colouring Pokemon figures with a pleased for artistic massive pen kit. He speaks to me about all manner of things from school goings on to AI bias and harms to gender roles and how to resist them.

my 6 year old daughter - whilst such a cheeky monkey - is clearly someone who prefers Daddy for absolutely everything and is usually found in mismatched socks and unbeatable nits and leggings with scrapes on and not a care in the world about it whilst also collecting Elsa outfits.

I do understand gender disappointment.

My dream was to have a boy.

I had a gender scan and had to have more than usual due to complications but I still refused to accept that it was a girl.
I bought loads of boys clothes and I was in utter shock when she came out and was actually a girl (as I was told the entire time).

But I truly believe what is meant to be will be.

Honestly if I already had 1 sex, then for their sake I would want the same sex as then they’ll grow up being really close.

I always thought it was women who wanted boys and men who wanted girls.

Hesitating to post as I 'got what I wanted' in a way but I can relate to the feeling of having preference for one gender. With my first baby I felt enormous pressure to have a boy. I have a very complicated relationship with my own mum and for some reason I thought that my parenting experience would be different if I had a boy rather than a girl my husband had lost his father at young age and had always talked about how he wanted a son and how he hoped to make peace by having a son of his own. So no pressure! I didn't find out with him but during his birth I couldn't have cared less. The moment of watching my dh find out he had a son is forever etched in my heart. With my second I did find out as I wanted to prepare my son in case he didnt get his much longed for brother. So different for me as I was so desperate for boys. Raising boys are freeing, joyous and grounding in my experience. They are fiercely loyal, protective and loving. I couldn't have asked for more.

Marlowe is a lovely name that goes with Elliott if you have another boy.

You will love your baby anyway.

I have a disabled child and it really irks me when people start going on about feeling anxious/upset/devastated that they might have a boy. Of course you are allowed to feel what you feel, I'm suggesting things that might help the OP. It's not good or healthy to be worrying from the 12 week scan that it might be a particular sex.

I was the opposite, and was desperate for another boy when I was expecting my second child. I knew I would be slightly disappointed to have a girl, so we chose not to find out until the birth. I was super lucky and got my second boy! I was very much team boy and in fact wanted 4 of the little blighters but a cancer diagnosis in my 30s put paid to any more than 2 children for us.

There is a lot to be said for having two children of the same gender (clothes can be passed down even as they get older, they are more likely to have similar interests and be closer, they are more likely to have shared friends etc) and all of those are true for my gorgeous boys. They are both very boy-ish despite being raised with no expectations on gender stereotypes, they both love the outdoors, playing ball sports, wrestling, extreme sports, woodworking and diy with their dad…..but they are also subtlety different. The eldest loves colouring and drawing, the youngest loves music. Both love reading. There are layers to every child, and even the most boyish of boys will have other non-stereotypical things they enjoy. Plus girls may well not want to be girly - I am not (at all) and never was, and I’m probably closer to my MIL than my mum.

@nmhermione

My late Nannan, a very wise lady, always used to say 'Babies bring their own love.'

I think this is very common op.

It is normal enough for you, and, in fact, for your family, but horribly unfair of them to be so vocal about their hopes.

I do think that generally once the baby arrives, everyone, but particularly mum, can't imagine the baby being any different. The thought of not having the new little person exactly as they are is less likely to cross your mind once they are a reality. I think that's why so many people say don't find out.

Personally I would, and allow yourself a bit of time to get used to whatever lies in store.

Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

Why do you think a girl will want to do these things?

Stop the sexism.

And little boys are delicious op!

Yes all the girls I've known have developed strong opinions about what they wear from about 3!

There is definitely a bit of social pressure now to have a girl, as there was to have a boy in the past. I had a boy and then a girl (I did slightly want a girl second time around but not desperate) and I got a lot of "oh aren't you glad it's a girl" comments. But maybe people just say things whatever the mix of genders.
I think you need to remind your family it is random and that you want your child to feel wanted whatever gender. Also their comments are not helping you.

These threads make me feel ill. "A pretty name, do her hair"🙄

Mum of 2 boys: one autistic and energetic the other calm and sensitive. They are persons - not just "boys".

That's sad :(