Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

There is no guarantee that if you have a girl, she will be girly. I wasn't in the slightest (which was fine for my mum); I hated dresses, loved getting dirty etc. No way I'd have tolerated anything pretty in my hair for more than about 2 minutes. You are in love with an idea of a child that may not come to pass regardless of the sex so I would try and detach from it regardless. I also agree with others who have said not to find out.

I have 2 boys (I wasn't bothered about the sex of either of them) and they are both so different and so wonderful. I am sure once you have your baby you won't worry about the sex, which is all the more reason not to find out.

I agree. I wasn't a girly girl either ( which my mum was disappointed about!) It is not only awful for boys but also girls. The stereotype is never 'Oh I want a girl to be a a free spirit/intelligent/work hard/not afraid of expressing her opinions etc. its always 'Oh I want to be able to dress her up and brush her hair and paint her nails and take her shopping with me!' Not to mention 'She will be quiet and sit in a corner playing with her dolls and reading!' (She'll shut up and keep her feelings and opinions to herself). Not to mention the perennial 'Boys will leave home and never see you again whereas I expect my DD to be at my beck and call well into adulthood and not live more than 100 yards from me' What low expectations and aspirations to have of girls and the women they will become!

There are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl:the cute dresses, doing their hair etc

From an extremely young age, my DD37, hated wearing dresses, wanted short hair, was so much the tomboy! She’s now a very beautiful woman, but still loves motorbikes, D&D, car rallying and things like thaT.

Thanks for all your replies, they really help.

Apologies for the upset I have caused with my third point about doing a girl's hair and buying cute dresses. I did also point out that not all children follow these stereotypes (my son's favourite song at the moment is Let It Go), and it's the third and least important point on the list. What weighs a lot more on my mind is my family's expectations and how we are failing to find even one boy name we both like whilst girl names are easy (besides the one I really want to use we have another list we'd also be very happy with).

I know it's not rational and I'll love them no matter what. I also know this is very trivial and potentially painful for anyone who has trouble trying to conceive. I was just looking for a way to share my feelings so I could help come to terms with any possible disappointment and then guilt about feeling that way.

My little boy is perfect in every way and I wouldn't swap him for a girl for all the money in the world. I'm sure I'll feel the same about a second boy, especially once he's born.

I might consider not finding out because of all the reasons you've shared. I'll discuss it with my husband tonight. The reason I wanted to find out is so I can deal with my feelings then, not on the day of their birth which should be all about them coming into the world, not whether they're a boy or a girl. But I'll think about it.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your experiences, it makes me feel like I'm less alone in feeling this way.

That would make me want another boy!

The OP isn’t you.

I do like girls’ clothes <shrug> it doesn’t mean that I’m unworthy of the sisterhood. I like having a daughter. If I’d had a second boy, I wouldn’t have needed it necessarily wanted him to emulate things that were traditionally feminine; that’s not what it’s about. It’s deeper and more personal than that.

I had a friend who desperately wanted a girl. She didn't find out the sex, but spent the whole of her pregnancy convinced she was having a boy and making herself find positive things to think about that. By the time she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, she felt a pang of disappointment that she wouldn't meet her boy!

I know it's hard. I wanted girls too, and it was one of the factors that made me hesitant about trying to conceive. But in the end I was hit by three realisations (both screamingly obvious if you are less stupid than me): first, you don't need to feel guilty about having a preference, nature doesn't care and you'll get what you're given; second, our preferences are based on assumptions and stereotypes, not reality; and thirdly, I already had lots of little boys in my life that I loved to bits (nephews, godsons etc). If I loved them, why not a son?

Best of luck.

DP and I are aligned on only having one child if we go down the baby route and I would be absolutely gutted if it wasn’t a girl.

YANBU.

I agree. I wasn't a girly girl either ( which my mum was disappointed about!) It is not only awful for boys but also girls. The stereotype is never 'Oh I want a girl to be a a free spirit/intelligent/work hard/not afraid of expressing her opinions etc. its always 'Oh I want to be able to dress her up and brush her hair and paint her nails and take her shopping with me!'

Yeah it's quite toxic really. I was a tomboy when I was younger and I would have been gutted to know my mum thought of me as a huge disappointment because I didn't wear a stupid bow in my hair.

How awful.

It's fine to have preferences but you are in for a huge shock if you think having a daughter actually means doing all these things and what happens if she doesnt want to do them? you gonna force her?

I have two boys. When I was pregnant with ds2 I was terrified it would be a girl. I really wanted another boy. So it goes the other way too!

Why is that? I had genuinely never realised there was such an overall preference for girls until I joined MN. If anything I can recall a handful of people saying they really wanted boys but never girls. Most didn’t care either way.

I am the final child of 4 and the only girl. I was born in the Middle East as my dad was working over there. All of my family were wishing for a girl, parents, grandparents, aunts etc. Mum heard many many times around the hospital ward was in Arabic or in French, people saying we hope for a boy for you.

The lady in the room next door had her baby before mum and mum heard crying, uncontrollable crying from people in the room. When mum had a chance to talk to the lady later on, she asked if she was ok and the baby alright. Both parents were beaming and very happy, the baby absolutely fine but their first born a girl and the relatives were the ones wailing..

People all over the world have preconceived ideas on gender, preferences and wishes, it's totally normal, if not always right. OP, you'll be fine as long as you keep a steady head if a boy. Healthy baby is really all can wish for imo but I hope you get your girl after all.

I think the family pressure is a lot to deal with! I know some friends who had issues with their own mum being openly a bit disappointed with grandsons and upset that their daughter wouldn’t also be having a daughter which I think is horrible enough, but lots of pressure from a whole family must be dreadful.

I think it’s abit unfair saying those that want girls just want a girly girl. It goes deeper than that. It’s the female connection that is important to some. That said out the other side of childhood some of my friends girls and awful there are some lovely sons so it’s wrong to generalise.

I don’t think you should have a baby then if you feel that strongly about it. It’s a 50/50 chance unless you get IVF with gender selection abroad. You are being unreasonable with this post.

I think there's something in that. I was never a girlie girl but mum and I were deffo on the same wavelength, mainly as I got older though and had a deep bond in a house full of boys.

But thats literally the reason the OP gave which is why people are commenting on it. She said: "Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things"

Those are certainly not "obvious" things to me- this sounds like dressing up a doll not a human child

It’s probably because Mumsnet, and particularly the pregnancy boards for obvious reasons, have a high proportion of women. It’s often that women would prefer to have a daughter and men would prefer to have a girl. If it was dad’s net it would probably be the other way.

Look, OP, I get it. However, you don’t even know yet. You’re causing yourself this stress and anxiety which is never good for baby. Just wait it out and see.

If it’s a boy, deal with the emotions when they come, talk to your belly, and process it. Then get ready to love him.

If it’s a girl, then you really wasted your afternoon!

Being totally honest, imo this means you aren't ready to have kids.

I didn’t mean to offend, this is just how I feel. Every time I picture us with a baby, it’s a little girl. I have 2 nephews and feel a bit ‘been there, done that’ about little boys. Yes I’m aware the role of aunt is nothing like the role of mother. And you might be onto something with not having a baby at all (hence I’m still on the fence).

I have two boys. They couldn't be more different from each other if they tried.

For all of one loving cars, the other loved soft toys. One has short dark hair, the other has long blond ringlets (and he's a teen, he could choose to cut them if he wanted)

One goes on long hikes with me, talks science and history, the other enjoys baking and crafts.

They're individuals, please don't think that just because you have 2 boys you're going to miss out on more feminine coded stuff - it entirely depends on the children - when I was a child I was into woodwork and motorbikes - the frilly dresses and hair bows my mum had to look to my sister for - personalities vary!

Totally this.
I love my quiet, gentle little boy. Who loves animals, his bike, gives big hugs, loves doing puzzles with his gran and was a cute sheep in the nativity.
My crazy girl is also lovely. But no, she isn't a plaits and frilly dresses kiddo. She tears about, loves being dirty or wet, wants to be a police officer so goes round apprehending family members for crimes like leaving the loo seat up or snoring.

Both genders are fab. And each child is unique.

But anyway when I was pregnant with my second boy we chose not to find out, and I think that really helped to reduce any negative comments or opinions. It sort of sent out the message of ‘we are excited for a baby and the gender isn’t relevant’. It was also nice having lots of beautiful gender neutral clothes in nice colours.

I wasn’t overly fussed on the gender though, just more bothered by unwanted comments, so I don’t know if not finding out is the best option if you are worried about severe gender disappointment. Remember that you could always find out but not tell anybody that you know the gender. I’ve had friends who had ‘surprises’ disclose later on that they’d found out in pregnancy and just not shared until the birth!

A lot of people will just tell you to be grateful, which obviously you are, but so many people feel the same. You naturally have a different relationship with a daughter, especially when they’re older.

I understand people struggle with infertility and would just love a healthy baby. I also struggle with infertility but still had a strong preference of having a little girl