Scared to be disappointed with 2nd boy

[nmhermione]

Hi everyone.

I just had my 12 week scan, and was extremely relieved to hear that baby is healthy and growing well. Of course that is my main concern.

I already have a son, and this will be our second and last child. My husband definitely doesn't want more than two.

I've always wanted a daughter. I felt some disappointment finding out we were having a boy the first time around, but also knew there'd be another chance at a girl.

Now that we're getting close to find out whether I will be a boy mum or if I'll have one of each, I'm terrified. I really, really want a girl. All the reasons seem trivial, but I can't stop thinking about them:

• I've had a beautiful girl name in mind for years and would be heartbroken not to use it. We've tried and tried but can't think of a boy name we like as much as our first son's name (which is Elliott).
• This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly. So I feel like I'll have to deal with my own disappointment as much as with theirs as well.
• Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things... My boy is absolutely wonderful, but only enjoys playing with tractors and climbing things and he's very loud and 'boy-ish' - which I love, but I can imagine two boys together being a bit rowdy. Of course, girls can be tomboys too, and a second boy could be a quiet artsy child who just wants to do colouring, but I'm just going by the most likely scenario.

I don't even know if it's going to be a boy yet, but I'm fully preparing myself for it to be a boy, so I hopefully won't feel that pang of disappointment when I do find out. I know that if it's a girl, I'll be absolutely overjoyed - so I'm trying not to expect it.

Again, I'm extremely grateful to have a second healthy child, and I know I will love him to bits if it's another boy. I'm just preparing myself for the feelings I will have (and my family) and I'm wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

If you search on here you'll find there's a gender disappointment thread like this every other day. 99% are about boys.

Don’t find out. Wait until the baby actually arrives as you won’t care at that point.
I had a boy first and didn’t find out what I was having for my second as I knew id be upset if it was a girl then a week later I was getting upset incase I had a boy By the time labour was over I didn’t even want the baby at all (only for an hour or so)!

You're going to get blasted on here for even posting this unfortunately. I totally agree with you though and think gender preference should be talked about more. Everything is relative and of course all anyone wants is a healthy baby but you're allowed to wish for something. I felt the same as you, I wanted two girls and luckily this is what happened but I know if it had been a boy I'd have loved them exactly the same ❤️ maybe don't find out at the scan and have a surprise, that way when you meet baby it's all you've ever known and you'll be over the moon whatever happens. A baby is always a blessing 😊 but I'm just here to say if I was in your position I'd have felt the same and you're totally allowed to feel that way, it doesn't take anything away from how much you love your kids x

In the book 'coping with two' the author recommends not finding the sex out at the scan if you think you'll be disappointed if it's the same sex as your first baby. Her rationale is when you hold your baby in your arms you won't be disappointed, and that you'll remember that disappointment from the scan forever.

You might get slaughtered on here for your post but for what it's worth I felt similar to you. I remember feeling pressure from family and even random strangers to have a daughter (I already had a son), people saying things like "I guess you're hoping for a girl". At the end of the day you don't get to choose though and there's some other helpful points in that book, like the fact that it's often nicer for children to have a same sex sibling.

Don’t find out. Honestly, don’t.

I was worried about feeling disappointment at a second boy, right up until DH and I went to the hospital. Then, I was just excited to meet my baby and I knew then I’d love whoever he or she was.

As someone with three boys - they’re all different. None of mine are rowdy or like tractors. One loves colouring and crafts, another loves singing and dancing and performing. Think of it as you’re having a second child, not a second boy.

Don't find out

I felt the same but when my second son was born I was flooded with love and was like "omg A BABY 😭😭😭" honestly the hormones wipe everything away.

Well don’t find out if that’s how you feel. All 3 of my babies were a surprise and I think when they are born you don’t actually care what sex they are. I have 3 boys by the way, and each of them has been an absolute joy, I haven’t missed out on anything.

I felt the same in a similar situation but having two boys is a joy. Mine are 3&1 and the very best of friends. The love that pours out of them for each other melts me. They're completely different in looks & personalities, so still two very different parenting experiences, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Though #2 is such a sunshine baby, my DH who was adamantly team 2 DC is now asking for a third!

Gender disappointment is a very real thing. I have a girl and I’m expecting a boy and I cried when I found out.

I don’t even really know why as I actually would have maybe preferred a boy the first time round, but my little girl is so lovely and easy and nice and I really really wanted her to have a sister.

The feelings have lessened but if I’m 100% honest, I wouldn’t have picked a boy. I think acknowledging that the feelings are valid helps rather than pretending you don’t care either way, and I’m hoping (and I’m sure it’ll be the same for you), once they’re here we won’t care either way

I have 4 boys. I would have liked to have a girl but it didn't happen. Boys are brilliant though. And no need for them to be rowdy and chaotic. That is like saying I wouldn't want to have a girl because they are all so whiney and manipulative. Just not true!

They won't automatically be rowdy just because they are boys. All children are rowdy sometimes, how much depends on how you raise them.

Then there are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things...

Have you considered that you might be better off getting a doll than a baby?

I feel for you OP - I had 2 boys then my third was a girl, and I was desperate for a girl third time round.

Lots of people advised me not to find out at the scans, because when you have the baby, you just love it whatever the sex. But I have to say, I'm too impatient and did find out, I also (personally) felt I wanted to get any "disappointment" over with, and then just get on with it, and reconcile with it during pregnancy. I was fully prepared for 3 boys, just repeated to myself the advantages of having just one sex.

If it's any consolation, if you do find you're having another boy, I adored life with 2 little boys, two lovely brothers who played (and fought lol) together, similar interests etc. My brother was the only boy amongst loads of girls, and I think he would have liked a brother - so I was pleased I gave my DS1 a brother.

Plus of course, you'll love your baby whatever x

There are all the obvious reasons for wanting a girl: the cute dresses, doing their hair, doing girly things

You’re having a baby, not a doll.

@LovesLabradors i guess the thing is if I’d seen a blurry black and white image and been told ‘it’s a boy’ I would have felt disappointment and then guilt, horrible guilt, for that disappointed feeling.

As it was I honestly forgot the boy / girl thing in the moment I heard my baby cry. That wasn’t my son or daughter, just my baby, and I wouldn’t have been disappointed for the world.

Sympathies OP. Your feelings are completely understandable no matter what anyone says. It may be too difficult for you to wait until the baby is born to find out the sex, but it is good advice.

Shame you have such rigid expectations set by the child's sex. but honestly I don't get having another baby with such a strong preference. I wouldn't find out if I were you.

@colddarkdarkcold
Yes, I totally understand that point of view - I think it's very much a personal choice.

I don't agree with "don't find out". As someone who struggled to bond with her babies in the first weeks (I loved them in a "duty" way, but if I'd had any disappointment over their sex, it would have made the PND worse), I think it might be better for OP to have time to process her feelings, perhaps seeing a therapist during the second half of her pregnancy.

I know this is snide but it's not wrong - this stage (if it exists) would be so short.

@nmhermione the one thing you can address here straightaway is getting your family to wind their necks in. Tell them how you are feeling and that their vocalisations are making you feel worse.

How do they think it's going to pan out if you have a boy and they have been banging on about a girl. Would they intend keeping making the child feel like 2nd best? Or suddenly change their minds? Or lie about how they feel even though everyone heard what they said?

This will be the 8th and final grandchild, and the other 7 are all boys. So my entire family is rooting for a girl, and they don't do so quietly.

How nice that must be for the 7 unwanted little boys to hear.

My DC are late 20s. When they were small it was surprising at the number of men I came across at that time complaining that their 2nd child was another girl. So I believe it works both ways parents wanting a ‘mini-me’. I doubt it’s any different now.

Actually, it is - there has been a real shift in attitudes towards preferences for girls in the last couple of decades:

https://www.economist.com/briefing/2025/06/05/more-and-more-parents-around-the-world-prefer-girls-to-boys?utm_medium=cpc.adword.pd&utm_source=google&ppccampaignID=18156330227&ppcadID=&utm_campaign=a.22brand_pmax&utm_content=conversion.direct-response.anonymous&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=18156330848&gbraid=0AAAAADBuq3J90hmHq80PzoajtZvkJ0jER&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6Y7KBhCkARIsAOxhqtMY-6kbwWkQNk3lfxyF6E2IYRtOJC0s5YtIsxIINPpWw5fURgkaSK4aAnRyEALw_wcB

You've posted this which means you're looking for different perspectives. Here's mine. I'm struggling through infertility and have had 3 pregnancy losses, I would snap your hands off to be in your position. I'm not denying gender disappointment, although admittedly I struggle to understand it, but .maybe look at it from this perspective and you might see how amazing it is that you have a healthy baby growing as it should be.