Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

Personally I think you’re transferring your pregnancy anxiety into this fixation on the baby’s sex. It’s a protective thing - worry about raising a boy, when boy grows up, what boy clothes you’ll find that are nice, etc etc, when really you have normal worries about the pregnancy and birth.

It doesn’t matter what sex your baby is. Your DD will be thrilled with a DB. In fact, she might even prefer a DB so she has no competition at being a girl. You’ll have the experience of raising a boy in addition to your experience of raising a girl. Your DD will have the support of a brother, not just now, but as an adult. You and your partner will benefit from raising a son and realise that having a son is different but equally as amazing as having a daughter. You’ll experience both.

Boys are fabulous!

DC1 is a boy, when I was pregnant with DC2 I was convinced it was going to be a boy and was really excited at this prospect, of having 2 boys

We found out early that DC2 was a girl and I had some brief disappointment (realising my boy squad wasn’t going to happen)

They get on so well, with the occasional fighting of course, in my (limited) experience my boy is SO much more affectionate and up for cuddles compared with my girl

She’s a real tomboy so I kind of got my 2 boys- this is what I think when we’re playing football in the park

Just adding- my youngest siblings are boy/girl twins and as adults I am definitely so much closer to my brother.

My sister and I just clash & compete with each other as teenagers and we never rediscovered that closeness again

Sorry, I don’t understand how this is even a post, but never mind!

My DD was 3.5 when DS was born. They are 20.5 and 17 now and really close. They confide in each other over everything; it’s lovely, particularly as they have gone down very different paths, education wise.

I get gender disappointment. I was like that with my second daughter.

I am a big sister to a brother. We're close. We were great playmates as kids, but there's a close age gap at just 18 months.

I have sisters too, but I love having a brother.

Congratulations 🎊
You'll have one of each.

I was never close to my sister growing up OP, it isn't guaranteed.

My son is amazing. He's empathetic, kind and funny. I didn't have a preference of gender when I fell pregnant but now he's here I can't imagine having a girl. I'm in a minority but I prefer the boys clothes too.

I have two boys and they are absolutely fabulous. Boy babies are a joy and mine have both grown into funny and caring young men. Congratulations!

IMO you’ve hit the jackpot having one of each. Little boys are so loving and adore their mummy. You’re very lucky.

I thought 2 girls was what I would prefer as well OP, I wasn't disappointed exactly when we found out Number 2 was a boy - but it definitely showed me I'd been imagining another daughter.

I can honestly say I adore having a little boy - I had such a wonderful relationship with my daughter I couldn't believe anything would compare. But it's totally different and equally amazing. So glad I got to experience having one of each. I understand the uncertainty but there's so so much to look forward to!

I'm pregnant with my second, a little boy, my daughter will be 5 when he's born
I have loved having a daughter but I am so looking forward to having a son too.
I have a pretty poor relationship with my mother and my partner is so close with his mum. I would have been thrilled to have two girls and whilst I'm a tiny bit nervous about a boy, it will be the first boy in 2 generations on my side, I'm thrilled for a boy too.
My daughter is close with both sets of grandparents but I'd say slightly closer to my partners mother. My parents are more local and they dote on her and she dotes on them. My in-laws are further away so she sees them for minimum of 3 days often closer to 7 days and accepts them as care givers as well as parents. She speaks to them on video calls regularly throughout the week and at least twice at the weekend.
My daughter much prefers being around boys and can struggle connecting with girls so I'm not worried about them not getting on because of gender. Who knows if their personalities will match or clash but that could happen with two girls or boys too.

Plenty of people, me included, are much closer to their MIL than their DM. My kids call MIL "Grandma" and DM "Grandma Name". She's my family every bit as much as my actual family, if not more. Having a son doesn't make you the second best grandma so please put that worry from your head!

Anecdotally as a teacher I've often found boys with an older sister to be gentle, kind souls (if a little henpecked!).

I also have this family setup and it's great, feels very balanced. It's nice that everyone has their own distinct place in the family. And boys are just awesome, so funny and affectionate and sweet. I'd definitely choose girl / boy again if I had a choice.

Gender disappointment is honestly normal and common no matter what anyone tries to tell you. When did you find out? Have you picked his name yet? It will take time to grieve the idea of what you wanted vs what you are having.

I can relate entirely. Im currently pregnant with a boy and i can't lie i never expected my reaction to be so strong. As soon as the sonographer told me boy at my private scan i actually stopped listening to her cooing over how sweet he looked. I actually walked out and refused to take the photo they printed of him.
Im coming to terms slowly with it now ive named him and am in the 3rd trimester. Mine stems from pretty much every male i know having little to do with their families once they move out of their parents home. Im close to my sister and we speak daily on facetime. My 3 brothers i honestly can't remember the last time i saw or spoke to them. We had a very equal upbringing, the boys were allowed to play with dolls and make up and the girls with action man and diggers so it's no t their upbringing that made them that way. They have all openly admitted they just cant be bothered visiting my parents or me and my sister. Yet we offer to visit them and its always no we are round wifes parents sorry.
My grandparents are now terminally ill and all the women in the family are rallying around doing the caring duties whilst every single one of my uncles stay away and do absolutely nothing. Same as my partner. He is not involved in seeing his family at all and says hes too busy with work and needing days off to rest, yet me and every other woman manages to do both. I manage to juggle seeing my own family and his. This goes for all the guys i work with as well so it seems a massive phenomenon thats not unique to just my family.

As much as i know i will love my son i will always have the fear of him leaving one day and just never coming back.

Boys are great. I promise you, he will bring you ALL so much joy.
Look forward to meeting him and this time next year you will not imagine a life without him.

@disappointedfoxfound out earlier today, yes we have a name (actually when I got pregnant with DD we picked out a boy name that we loved and struggled to find a girl name, even though at that point we didn’t mind boy or girl. Now we are using our original boy name that we would have used for DD)

Mine are same sex/gap combination as yours will be and it’s what I’ve always wanted. In my experience older girls are very nurturing over baby brothers and having 2 and boy girl combo it’s definitely the best way round in my and friends experience. Older boys can be a little less interested and less close in our experience. My two are close as ever. They are always holding hands, cuddled up together and holidays can be just us as a family group as they are so close and play together all day. Also all of the sensitive kindest men in my friendship/family groups have older sisters and are really comfortable in friendship groups and circles with women. And they are all close with their sisters as adults and mixed groups in teens and twenties (much to the delight of younger brothers). I wouldn’t change a thing. Lots of girl girl sibling children of friends don’t want to socialise together or want separate days with mum/dad whereas mine would choose to be together all the time and are fiercely protective of each other

Oh, another post about disappointment having a boy. So sad to hear. Surely having a baby of any sex following IVF is a blessing? 😡

I have a DD then a DS. They are best friends. I think one of each can lead to a bit less comparison. They have some interests the same and some different. DD gets some of DDs hand me down clothes but not all. They are encouraged to try different things e.g. DD will have a go at football because DS likes it. (I appreciate this would also happen with 2 girls or 2 boys, as they will still have different interests).

My DP do loads of childcare for my brother and see my niece all the time!

@disappointedfoxsorry just to add, it’s the same with males I know.

my husband spends more time with my parents than his own.
my childhood was spent mostly seeing maternal grandparents and I was left at their house often at short notice if I or they fancied it, whereas only ever had formal meetings with paternal grandparents where far in advance we would plan that they’re coming over this particular Saturday and we are doing xyz.
my brother essentially does anything to please his wife, “happy wife happy life” mentality, as I think it’s less stress for him than insisting they involve his / my family in the children’s lives to the same extent as his wife’s.
so many other men appear to be “controlled” by what the wife wants, which is often to prioritise her family over his.
also, it just makes sense that a woman giving birth will be involving her own family more, definitely in the initial vulnerable stages like visiting and helping out in the days after birth, looking after a young baby where childcare is needed, and it just flows from there.
girls seem to be more caring towards their parents and family, in terms of caring for elderly parents and taking on the responsibility of staying in touch with the family.

I know there are men that aren’t like that, but they appear to be in the minority.

Two boys. They’re funny, kind, loyal and the loves of my life. Enjoy him x

My first child was a girl my second a son. They were great friends growing up and are still close now. They also both have a great bunch of friends of both sexes and have always seen boys and girls as equally able to do anything.
I think it definitely helped that they were brought up with someone of the opposite sex
Also my son has always been very loving and caring.
Congratulations I'm sure you will love your little boy and you couldn't imagine any other combination for your family.
I also have both a lovely son in law and a lovely daughter in law.

Why are you worried about being a grandparent when your son isn’t born yet? 😳that’s decades away and you’re letting it interfere with your feelings now that’s just a bit bizarre sorry.

Think about it realistically - given average maternal age you may be 40 or close to it - your husband likely same age - or older. If your son doesn’t have children until a similar age to you then you’d be 80….average life expectancy in the U.K. is 83….. odds are by that age you really won’t be bothered whether you are a favoured grandparent or not

It seems bizarre to worry about being "paternal grandparents" when you have no idea whether either of your children will even want kids of their own (not to mention that it might be 40 years hence).
Life doesn't conform to stereotypes, OP, so don't fall for all the bullsh*t about sisters being closer etc..
Your children are individuals - they will be whatever/whoever they want to be. That's surely the fun part!

I only have girls but get twinges of envy at my sisters and friends sons. Sooo cute as toddlers then these really big lolloping teens who seem good natured. Most look like the male version of their mums which blows my mind!

I had four attempts at IVF and none of them worked and I never got my “VERY wanted IVF baby”. So, yeah, I would say that’s a positive thought you could have about your son.
That, and the fact that people don’t live to stereotypes. Some sisters and brothers get on with each other, some don’t. Some sons and daughters favour their own parents, some favour their in laws, some favour none. Perhaps you will be close to either or both of your children’s children. Perhaps neither of them will have any.
Allow yourself a moment of disappointed wallowing then pick yourself up and look forward to raising a healthy son. You don’t realise how lucky you are. So many people desperately long for what you have.