Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

Jesus your poor son.

A mother's love is unconditional, that's what a good mother is. Unfortunately some people are bad mothers; ideally they wouldn't be having children at all.

I have nothing "positive" to say to you OP as such a thing shouldn't need saying about having a boy, but I do feel for him as that will undoubtedly impact him.

On a broader point, I'm Irish and I've never come across this. Irish families tend to be very close and sons are cherished just as much as daughters. Could be an English (or British) thing in being a bit colder towards people, more detached.

I did multiple rounds of IVF, and obviously all I wanted was a healthy baby, but I secretly hoped I’d have a girl.
In the end I had boy/girl twins. I LOVE having a son! (and a daughter of course!) He’s so lovable and full of energy and hugs, and tells me he loves me all the time. I can’t imagine my life without him.

Now I like the fact the energy in the house is balanced male/female, rather than having 2 daughters. There also might be less competition between them, being different sex.
I do hope they’re close as adults; I’m very close to my sisters so good to hear posters talk of being very close to their brothers.

@disappointedfox this is my hope - that it’s wrong and my little girl will actually have a little sister… but I can’t justify paying for another one till NIPT. Guess we will find out then, and the scans after 16ish weeks!!

everyone says that what you hold your baby you won’t even care boy or girl… hope that’s us both!! 🙌

I hope you love your baby whatever arrives ♥️

For one of ours we were told one gender and it ended up being the other so felt all the emotions - when baby arrives and their relationship develops, it will feel meant to be trust me!!!

1. I'm incredibly close to my brother but not my sister
2. I see my in laws much more than my parents and they provide childcare for my baby
3. Little boys are awesome

Your stereotypes are very old fashioned.

My son is 9 and the light of my life. He is my funny , gorgeous, cuddly , caring boy. Posts like this make me so sad for so many boys .

I hope you find a way to love your son when he's born. Try not to show him how disappointed you are.

Gender disappointment acceptance has gotten way out of control.

How on earth could you act this way when you went into a pregnancy knowing it was 50/50....

Also Irish and also never come across this attitude, I have to say. Valuing each side of the family equally is really important to us.

Surely having a healthy baby is most important, having a preference is fine but some of these reactions are so strong.

I have a big sister and a younger brother combo. I was scared they wouldn’t be close, but fortunately I didn’t find out his sex until he was in my arms and I was busy falling in love with him, so didn’t have long to worry about it. Anyway, they get on so well, they have been best friends since dd could announce, “Come on DS!” and he would toddle out the door after her. They are now approaching their teens and still love each other’s company.

I had my DD first. When I found out my second was a boy I admit to being a bit gutted. Not because I had anything against boys but I just always imagined having two of the same. If my first had been a boy I would have wanted another boy. Probably related to my own very toxic relationship with my brother. Anyway the second he was born I couldn’t believe I felt that way. I laugh about how ridiculous I was being now. He’s two now and he is the funniest, cheekiest, cuddly, lovely little thing. He and his sister are truly the best of friends (as well as mortal enemies) and watching them laugh and chase each other brings so much joy to my life. He’s a total mummy’s boy and give the absolute best cuddles and I truly can’t imagine my life without him. You will be fine OP, I promise.

But you have a daughter. Are you planning on bringing her up to make sure her husband ( if she has a male partner) doesn't see his own mother? That she turns into the type of woman who isolates her husband from his parents so she can spend all day doing ' girly' things with you?

Having 2 girls wouldn't necessarily have meant they were best friends. I'm much closer to my brother than my sister

Agree, this is not something you should feel alright to openly admit 😬

Siblings are all different... I have an older sister and a younger brother- I am much closer to my younger brother. I get on with my sister but just closer to my brother.

It all depends on personalities, the sex of your child is obviously a part of who they are but it doesn't define them.

Try not to worry about the grandparent issue at the moment, there is no guarantee that either of your children will have children for a start, and all family dynamics are different.

Enjoy your baby boy, he will be a wonderful addition to your family 💙

And also just the add… not having to do their hair every single day 🙌🙌. If I had to try and get two wriggly toddlers to stand still while doing plaits every day in life, it would end me.

if you want your kids to have a close relationship then you need to foster that and make sure you do everything you can to make sure there is no barriers to that (eg making sure you treat them equally, make sure one isn’t favoured over other due to gender etc). There are no guarantees that siblings will be close in adult life - you just have to try and set good foundations for a healthy family dynamic where everyone is respected.
theres also no guarantees your children will give you grandchildren or what your relationship will be like with your adult children and SIL/ DIL. Again all you can do is try your best to have a good relationship with them so if they choose to have/ can have children they want you to be involved in their life.

in your follow up post you mentioned men being controlled by their wives. Assuming that your son might be controlled by his wife (if he even has a wife) and prevented from spending time with you is quite odd, and if you start any relationship with a DIL/SIL with that sort of mentality it’s not going to get off to a good start.

My son is the light of my life. I love him with every fibre of my being. I don't have any other children yet, but all I know is I am so excited to hopefully one day replicate this love by welcoming another baby into my family. It has never once crossed my mind that I'd want it to be a boy or a girl, because my son has taught me what it's like to love a child and that is all that matters to me. To think I might be privileged enough to feel this with another child is all I need.
Please, please reframe your thinking. You are SO lucky to be having a baby, it's nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. Think of the love you have for your daughter and why you chose to bring another life into this world.

I credit my DH’s kindness and his many other good attributes with being raised as much by his big sister as his mum. He will his big sister to look up to and she will likely be really caring to him. In turn he’ll learn to respect women because two will have nurtured and raised him.

I understand to some extent and had some vague preferences of gender when pregnant with mine as I am very close to my sister but honestly now my 3 are young adults I think the relationships within the family and the bonds they have with siblings depends on their individual personality traits. My 2 DS’s adore their DB , one younger, one older, one close in age and one with a large age gap.

Nothing to do with the sex they were born.

Try to relax as you’ll look back and won’t believe you had such trivial worries. Try to not look too far ahead and enjoy your pregnancy and your little boy.

I felt a bit flat when I found out my second was a boy, because I had pictured I’d have two girls like my sibling and some of my friends! I wouldn’t say I was disappointed. But it was like, oh… ok… Quickly accepted I’d have a boy, felt it’d be strange to have a boy when I was so used to a girl.

anyway, nearly 18 months on and he’s fab. I couldn’t picture life without him now. I love him so much.

same age gap here too. My 5 year old daughter loves him and dotes on him. He loves her too, and I would say she’s his favourite person.

i can’t wait for him to get a bit older and play together more, run around together.

i am just seeing the start of that now and its lovely

@Tomatotater
No, I’m not raising my daughter to isolate her future partner from his family. But I do think we need to be honest about how these dynamics usually play out in real life.

Most people are naturally closer to their own parents than to their in-laws. That’s not about control or manipulation—it’s just comfort and familiarity. You’ve known your parents your whole life. In-laws often come into the picture when you’re already an adult, and building that same closeness takes time—sometimes it never fully happens. That’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just human behavior.

And in most families I know, it’s the woman who ends up being the primary caregiver, especially in those intense early parenting years. That might not be fair, but it’s often how things shake out. So when support is needed—especially right after birth—it’s usually her own parents she turns to. That’s not about sidelining the husband’s family; it’s about leaning on the people she feels safest with.

Also, let’s not pretend men aren’t part of this pattern. A lot of them are happy to go with the flow if it means less conflict. “Happy wife, happy life” exists for a reason—it’s not always about control, it’s often just about avoiding stress.

So no, it’s not some grand plan to exclude the husband’s family. It’s just the way things tend to unfold.

Case in point—when my husband had to go away on a work trip for a few days, I didn’t think twice about taking a trip with my parents and our daughter. I was relaxed, totally myself, and actually enjoyed it. If I’d suggested the same trip with my in-laws, it would’ve felt like I had to be “on” the whole time—more formal, more effort. That’s not drama, that’s just the difference in comfort level. It is what it is.

Congratulations on your forthcoming baby. I’m 18 months older than my darling brother. We were constant playmates throughout childhood and had a huge laugh. We remain close. It’ll be fine! X

I have a girl and then I had a boy. It's such a special relationship, mum and son. My daughter loves him so much and they mainly get on.
Congratulations!