Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

People on here are over dramatic, when you’re the one who thinks aborting because an unborn child has a penis is OK?

Lots of us here have boys. I do try to be empathetic on these threads as I know pregnancy is an emotive time and I do understand people can’t always help how they feel. But you can’t blame people for getting offended when you basically suggest that the people they gave birth to who are the centre of their world might be better off not being born because of their sex.

Still with the stereotyping, OP? Listen to what people are saying. This narrative that you are convinced about is just in your head. I never had a baby but, if I had, I would have kept them away from my own parents (who I disliked), but been happy for them to spend time with my lovely in laws. Not every woman is close to her own mother. As I said before, your children will be whoever they want to be, and you need to keep an open mind about them and their life choices.

My older siblings are a girl and a boy 4 years apart. They're so close, they even work together, have travelled together etc etc. I'm quite a bit younger so don't have quite the same bond (though we are all very close) but my siblings have always been the best of friends!

OP, in the nicest possible way, get a bloody grip.

Are you really going to let this completely hypothetical scenario blight your enjoyment of the next three decades with your still unborn son?

If what you are worrying about comes to pass, it will be because you have made it a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think you are inventing scenarios in your head to justify your feeling that you don't want a little boy and feel less guilty about that.

Please, please, please get some therapy during your pregnancy so that you are ready to welcome your gorgeous little boy with open arms and love him unreservedly, the way you would if he were a girl.

It’s not a strategic decision to exclude paternal grandparents—it’s just about surviving with the least resistance.

But is in your husband’s hands to do something about that, make a strategic decision to include paternal grandparents 🤷‍♀️ and hopefully you’ll raise a more inclusive, capable son with a balanced view of equality across the sexes.

For example I’d love for my kids to have 2 sets of equally involved grandparents and wouldn’t be trying to perpetuate one side favoured over the other. As it is, my parents are very able but far away, DH’s live very close but MIL is incapacitated physically and mentally and FIL is incredibly toxic - you can be sure that I as the DIL am not doing any caring, that would fall on DH.

This worry will be so far from your mind once your son arrives. I’d close this thread and move on from it. You can’t change it anyway! Many people dream of one of each, there are so many positives. Focus on those and enjoy your pregnancy - congratulations.

Dont know how you have jumped to the conclusion that me wanting to end my own pregnancy early on in shock is the same as saying your sons shouldnt exist.

OP I think you should get some counselling to explore these feelings. You sound very anxious, looking ahead into the future when your son is a father and you have been sidelined. As others have said, you can't predict the future and it's odd that you're seeing it so negatively, when being pregnant after IVF is surely great news.

Also – the things you are saying are just not true. I can think of lots of examples among my relatives and circle of friends where the couple are close to the father's family.

Your kids might not even have children. How would you cope with that? You can't control the future.

A degree of gender disappointment is normal when you have a preference of a particular sex but to feel this strongly and continue to dwell on being grandparents and how you won't be close to your adult son and his children is very extreme when he isn't born yet. You're letting a potentially non issue get in the way on enjoying your second child who will bring as much joy to your world as your first. It is up to you and your DH to lead by example and include the paternal grandparents and your DH be a hands on dad and share the mental load.

Agree. Op doesn’t seem to be considering the possibility that she may not be a grandparent at all.

It's great! Boys like having more cuddles

There's 3 years between my daughter and son and they are so close. I love seeing and hearing then giggle and play with each other. It's so cute. I think sometimes we convince ourselves we're have a certain gender but when it turns out to be not what we thought we're in shock for a bit. But once you start buying little cute boy clothes it sinks in.
Growing up I only had sisters and went to a all girls school so I was a bit nervous having a son but now it just feels right. He's such a bubbly caring little boy. I'm really lucky to have him.

Always whinging about a boy, get a grip. Be thankful you have 2 healthy children, some people won't ever get that lucky.

I have 2 boys and they're awesome. It's a shame people like you make it seem like having boys is a negative thing. Hope your future son doesn't ever get a wind of these feelings and they go away before he's born and gets older. 🙄

Shame on you.

Yep I had girl then boy. 3 year age gap. I didn’t know the sex before the birth - I was surprised because I just couldn’t imagine having a son after having a daughter but it’s been fine! They aren’t really really close now (21 and 18) but close enough. I felt so lucky to have one of each and they are lucky to have each other. It means you can never directly compare them and they grow up with a good insight into the opposite sex. I thought it was good for her as a girl to have rough and tumble play and good for him as a boy to understand and know his own strength and adapt his play as he got bigger. He also got dressed up in tutus and loved using the dolls pushchair more than she did and thought it was all great fun! I do sometimes worry about the paternal grandparent thing but really what’s the point? I have always made an effort to include my MIL who is mostly lovely and only occasionally annoying! I just hope any future DIL will do the same and I will try not to be a PITA! Enjoy it - it goes so quickly!

A massive positive is that boys are amazing! I have two of them and they are just fantastic. I’m sure daughters are equally as brilliant (I wouldn’t know as I don’t have any) but I can assure you having a son is just wonderful. Another big pro is that having a girl first means there tends to be less jealousy as girls seem to be generally more nurturing and enjoy ‘mothering’ a younger sibling. My eldest was only just 2 when his younger brother was born and he was fine with the baby but not that interested until the baby started walking and could play chase etc.

We have a 4 year gap older girl/younger boy duo. At birth it was amazing, she was so cuddly and helpful and loving. As they’ve grown, they’ve had their moments but mostly it has been great. They’ve been good friends as kids and are now teens and get on most of the time tbh! He’s a clued up, emotionally aware and period-savvy boy, which is handy 😂 And they stick together in a tough spot.

They will be best buddy and fiercefully close.

This is so lovely!

I seriously hope you sort out your attitude towards your son before he's born, OP. I feel sad for him possibly ending up feeling that he'll always be a disappointment to you just because he's not female.

I can completely resonate, our DD was just about to turn 4 when our DS arrived. When we chose to find out and it was a boy, I honestly felt flat. It was disappointment at not getting to use all those beautiful girl clothes again and also fear of having no interest in boy stuff.
When he arrived there was that initial love for any of your babies but then BAM he got my heart like nothing ever has. My boy is an absolute delight! He adores me, he’s gorgeous and chunky and loves to cuddle (DD wasn’t a cuddler). He sings all day and just has a lovely character. I find myself just staring at him because he’s just too cute. It’s true what they say, boys love their mamas!!

I’m looking forward to the day in a year or so when you come back and update us how much you love him 😍

I must be thick. The perfect family to most is one of each, a boy and a girl. As they get older you can take girl shopping /do girly things, dad can take son out and do boy things, when all together do what you all enjoy. As for becoming grandparents that's probably 20+ years away, and you are their parents anyway. Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your children and thank God you've been blessed to be able to have them by whatever means.

I felt the same finding out our 2nd was a boy. I have a lot of nephews and I really didn’t think I was cut out to be a boy mum and I was gutted I wasn’t going to get the girl gang I wanted but i was wrong in so many ways!
He is just the most perfect addition to the family.

I think the main difference after raising a girl is that boys are feral little whirlwinds haha but my god they are just so loving and snuggly. I think as well having an older sister is a nice influence too.

So take it from a converted girl mum that boys are actually ok haha!

I think you’ll look back on this Op and think “thank god we had our son. He’s the one we were waiting for.”
I think worrying about future things (your son may see his wife’s family more than you) is not even worth worrying about. He might be gay, not have a partner etc. he will hopefully also be as close to you as his wife is to her parents so you see them the same amount.
im really close to my brother and my sister (in an equal amount.)

You‘re worried about being “disfavoured grandparents” in 20-40 years, jeez get a life! Obviously this IVF baby isn’t as “very wanted” as you claim it is.

If things are that bad place him in adoption, I’m sure there are proper parents who’d be willing to give him a loving home.

When you have your lovely baby boy, you will probably feel quite shitty about this thread. People are reacting strongly to this because it seems so awful when they have a son who is completely loved and valued.