Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

My brother is one of my best friends.

Most sisters I know have a love/hate relationship now they’re older.

I have a girl and boy. Everyone tells me how amazingly close they are, she mother's him even now in her teens, they have such a strong bond I don't think that will ever be broken, he adores her, they never fight, they banter back and forth, I'd say they are genuinely best friends
My friend has two girls with the same age gap and they fight constantly, compete against eachother, always compared against eachother.

I'm sure you will be over the moon with your son, my son is def a mummy's boy.

OP can you expand on why you don’t seem satisfied with the dynamic between sons and their parents, and daughters being the ones to care for their parents in their old age, and yet seem determined to maintain that pattern?

These threads are always funny because posters absolutely tie themselves in knots pretending theres no difference in men and women in society.

Also with the bollocks of why are you thinking about your childs future (as if thats not a normal parent thing to do.)
And the irony of the sexism in the comments about how loving and sweet boys are (as opposed to girls) and how women only want girls to dress up.

Also lol at the racism that only English people suffer from gender disappointment (my irish dm would very much laugh hysterically at that especially as boys are often favoured where shes from.)

My mil got my daughter fed dressed and took her to school this morning so I could have a lie in.
My mil travelled 200 miles on public transport even though she hates trains to look after my daughter for a week when her nursery closed
My mil let us move in for 3 weeks when we were struggling to cope with my daughter. She did everything for us, cooking, washing, holding the baby so we could rest. All I did for those 3 weeks was eat, sleep and feed baby.
My mil treats me like a person and not a vessel for "her grandchild" unlike my mother.
We told my PIL we were expecting both times weeks before we told my parents.
My PILs have supported me through multiple mental health crises (I'm bipolar). All I get from my mother is how hard it was for her to have a depressed teenager. Since being 18 I have only had a superficial relationship with my mother.

I know exactly which mother I would turn to in my hour of need and it 100% isn't the woman that birthed me.

Don’t try and make this into a thread about disappointment about people having girls.All these threads are always about boys. My theory is because most of us are women and can empathise with the thought of a female child more.
and I’ve read your comments. I suggest you get counselling as your level of disappointment is abnormal. People shouldn’t have children if they feel so strongly about gender when there is 50:50 chance every time. When you meet your little boy I hope some day in the future you will look back and feel ashamed of yourself. For your little boys sake.

You’re in for a treat. Boys are lovely. Ours is 22, his sister 30, just a week shy of 9 years between them and they adore each other. He’s a fabulous uncle to her 4 year old.

Why should i feel ashamed of myself for having normal emotions? Its people on the thread who should be ashamed of themselves for actually saying that women should not be allowed to voice their feelings out loud.

I dont need therapy because in the beginning i had an extreme reaction of disappointment to my foetus who has no emotions and find talking about it helpful.

It’s not normal sorry. Absolutely not normal to think of ending a pregnancy because of the babies sex.

Absolutely this.

My mum is like you, same worldview. I had a battle every day to develop myself and my personality the way I wanted, outside of and separate from her view of how things should be or 'usually are' in her opinion. Needless to say I have hardly any relationship with her now. She would still say that the views you hold are 'usual' and normal. Ironically, she wasn't as suffocating in imposing her view of how future relationships should turn out on my brothers and they are actually closer to her as she was more accepting that they would live their lives the way they chose.

You're setting yourself up for a failed relationship with your daughter as well as your son.

I can't see anyone tying themselves up in knots saying boys are the same as girls. If anything, it's warning against regressive gender stereotypes. Children are all individual. Some boys are typical boys, some aren't. Some may grow up to be straight, some Gay. As with girls. And there is a difference between thinking about your child's future and projecting how awful it will be to he their parent, right up to adulthood. And whether or not a parent prefers one sex to another, it is harmful to the child either way, but these threads are always about how girls are automatically expected to be closer to their mothers and boys are awful. That is damaging to both boys and girls. It is not normal and your extreme reaction needs to be sorted out by therapy before your poor child is born.

Its actually more common and normal than you would believe according to my therapist. Just women are too afraid to voice their feelings because of over dramatic reactions like on here.

It is something that absolutely should not be encouraged. What do you want people to day ? You are right little boys are awful you are so right to feel this way ??

Glad to hear you are getting therapy.

Why should it not be encouraged for people to be honest and open about their feelings? Or is it just mothers who aren't allowed emotions? Because funny enough no one in our life has berated dp or his entire family who are disinterested in my son. In fact because dp already has sons with his ex wife people are sympathetic to him when he announces hes having another boy with someone else. Ironically when my child is born im going to be one of the only people championing him and fighting his corner.

Where did I say it was just mothers ? I didn’t say anything that alluded to that at all. I stand by what I said. Threatening to end a pregnancy because of the sex isn’t normal . Maybe take a look at the infertility and pregnancy loss threads for a bit of perspective.

The very first comment asks the op is her partner excited which completely dismisses how she feels about it when its her body and her emotions being discussed.

Its not fair to put anyone elses problems such as loss or infertility on someone else and tell them they aren't entitled to speak about their emotions especially anonymously online. My first child i was going to end my own life and have my child adopted by family because i suffered such bad depression after birth, that doesn't mean other people can't have emotions about their own child or pregnancy.

I already admitted my reaction was a more extreme reaction however gender disappointment is incredibly normal and common and it absolutely does go both ways despite what people here keep saying how its only about boys. Im on an online support group and there's multiple women in there disappointed to be having girls.

Not saying those issues are your problem but it may put things into perspective for you.
yes a small amount of disappointment is normal but what you have described absolutely isn’t. These are human beings you are talking about.

After miscarriages in the double digits, our miracle girl came along and now she’s 2. We suffered another miscarriage last year and I’m now 24 weeks with a little boy. We went into that room praying for a healthy baby, it didn’t matter to us what sex he was as we have battled so long and hard for our 2 children. This is our last baby and we are over the moon that baby is a boy as one of each, ideal right? However it would have been just as amazing to have another healthy daughter.

I understand that “gender disappointment” is a real thing but I think in cases like ours, IVF, miscarriages, infertility we should just feel so blessed to have a healthy baby, so many couples long for what we have.

@LilDeVille
I’m not trying to maintain the pattern—I just think it’s largely unavoidable.

The truth is, it’s the woman who gives birth. She’s the one whose body is wrecked, whose hormones are crashing, who’s recovering while also feeding a newborn around the clock. So of course she turns to the people she’s most comfortable with—usually her own parents. If men gave birth, I’m sure they’d default to calling their mums instead. But they don’t. We do.

And because the mother is usually the one handling the bulk of the early childcare, that comfort zone stays in place. It’s not a strategic decision to exclude paternal grandparents—it’s just about surviving with the least resistance. And that tends to cement the maternal side as the go-to, while the paternal side ends up more… scheduled.

Obviously this doesn’t apply in every situation—some people are no contact with their parents, or have lost them, or had traumatic upbringings. But in the majority of families, where both sides are alive and there’s no major dysfunction, it’s the maternal grandparents who end up being closer. Not out of malice—just default biology and familiarity.

This is all about your relationship with your in-laws. Naturally you are closer to your own parents. However, your DH should be closer to his parents than he is to yours and it is strange that he is not.

If you want a close relationship with your son when he is an adult you need to model that - your DH in particular should regularly see them and take the kids round for "pop in" visits. That way your son grows up with the expectation of that being the norm.

But this suggests you’ll also be very disappointed if your daughter doesn’t actually have kids which is a very real possibility nowadays. Don’t assume anything.

@TheIceBear@disappointedfox
i think the issue is, if you say “you can’t express gender disappointment” then you’re essentially telling women that they can’t feel how they feel - and a lot of women do feel gender disappointment. How is that any better than telling boys they shouldn’t feel sad or that people with secondary infertility can’t be disappointed because they already have a child. However people feel is normal and they’re allowed to feel that way.

people can’t help how they feel but neither should they be indulged when their feelings are based on a lot of stereotypes and nonsense. You really don’t need to be indulged and pandered to on this but a bit of a dose of reality.

it’s nothing to do with telling “women” specifically. I would say the exact same thing to a man. Where did you get that idea ? I did say some gender disappointment is normal. Thinking of ending a pregnancy over it is not normal. In what world is that normal