Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

This.

And these threads generally used to be about having a second or third boy, and feeling a bit disappointed about not ending up with ‘one of each’ which I can kind of get my head around. But lately I’ve noticed gender disappointment posts about baby boys when it’s the OPs first baby or even, like this one, where they already have a girl or girls and just don’t want boys. It seems even having struggles to conceive or undergoing IVF doesn’t make them immune either. I don’t get it I really don’t.

The thought of asking my late dear granny on my dad's side (she had five boys and one girl) did she ever have "gender disappointment" .. even typing out the mere thought of that question is surreal as the concept is so alien .. but what an insult to ask her that would be. My dad (and all his brothers, and my aunt) are all such lovely people, and no doubt the warm, loving environment they were brought up in where they were all valued equally had a big part to play in that.

The concept of valuing your baby less than because of their gender I cannot wrap my head around, nor do I want to.

My niece is 20 and her younger brother is 15. It’s an absolute joy to see how close they are, they get on so well.

We have four sets of this combination in our extended family and, perhaps I'm biased because I'm the older sister in one, but it is actually the best combination! Both kids get really well rounded experiences without gender stereotypes, develop great social skills, and in our cases end up close friends. Boys with an older sister are the most respectful of women in my opinion. Also raising a boy can be a lovely experience (most of the time!), actually easier than girls in lots of ways as they get older, and you're more likely to get spontaneous "I love you Mum" bear hugs from a boy I think.
You'll love your baby once it's here.

This. I’ve just read through OPs previous posts and she has a very specific idea of what 2 adult daughters will be like that disappointment could easily ensue anyway.

I’ve also increasingly seen posts on here where the OP is happy having a boy but is having to deal with their own mother’s gender disappointment at getting a grandson and being upset because they always assumed that of course their daughter would one day have a little girl too. I always feel so sorry for OP in those cases it’s awful and one of the reasons I’m not a big fan of ‘validating’ gender disappointment, it just leads to these scenarios.

There are four and a half years between my brother and I and I'm now in my early 60s. We are very close. From the moment I met him as a new born we have been a team and I love spending time with him. I don't think I would have been closer to a sister. My brother and I are complementary and we are friends.

If you raise your son well, he will be more likely to enjoy spending time with you as an adult and our in the effort to maintain your relationship.

Obviously you've got your work cut out because you don't actually want him and based on your follow up responses, it seems like you'll be the type to let him know you never wanted a son. So actually you're probably right. He probably will seek a maternal bond with a mother-in-law because of the long lasting impact it will have to know you were disappointed in his existence even as an embryo.

"Gender disappointment". Vile.

If we had gotten our pick it would have been a second girl, just as we knew what we were doing, had toilet trained a girl, could reuse a lot more clothes etc. Now I think it is nice that they are different. I love having one of each, and realise how lucky that I am to have any at all. I understand the initial hit of "oh it isn't what I thought" but that will change fast. Also, all the boys in my daughter's class are different. It isn't like all boys will start scaling the walls and doing karate at age 2 (though mine is this stereotype). My friend had a boy recently and was like "my girls were great, and I loved them so much as babies, but when my boy looks at me, I'm his whole world". Each one is different, but I kind of felt the same experience.

It amazes me that someone who struggled to get pregnant and had to do IVF would be having thoughts like this. With respect, OP, you need to get over this and enjoy your baby.

I had one of each, amazing how different they are to each other and they adore each other (in their 20’s now) and are very close. Stop worrying and start rejoicing!

Boys are lovely.. be grateful for your healthy baby

Wow, oh wow!!! How absolutely insulting to all the wonderful paternal grandparents who have been gifts from heaven to their dil's and gc. My sil struggled after the birth of her first dc, exhaustion, a little pnd and generally feeling awful at about week 5, my wonderful brother did his best but he too was exhausted, my niece just didn't sleep. It wasn't her parents who helped out but my saint of a mother, while the maternal gm commented on the house not being tidy my mother brought the baby home and told the worn out couple to sleep, my sil later told me she cried with relief. When she returned to work it wasn't her parents who stepped up and provided free childcare despite living a 5 minute walk away but my parents who drove morning and evening to do whatever was needed. Same when the second baby arrived. I live 3.5 hours away and when my parents weren't available I drove and stayed a few nights a week to make sure neither parent had to miss work. A few years later a surprise third baby arrived, by then my wonderful fantastic mother was no longer with us but my father took care of the older children a lot during the pregnancy to allow by sil to rest, one particular afternoon he collected the children from school and when he got to their house there was no sign of their mother, my niece checked the bedroom and her mother was asleep, dad cooked dinner, tidied the kitchen and sitting room, lit the fire and started the kids doing their homework, all done quietly so my sil could get some much needed rest. My parents wanted no thanks for this, their reward is the relationship they have with their gc. The maternal GP live less than ten miles away, are both retired, lots of time and money to spare but golf and lunch with the girls are more important than time or effort helping their daughter, sil or gc. My father is in his 80's now, his eldest gc (29) lives with him by choice, his youngest just started playschool and both adore him. My sil is the most wonderful person who understands how much the relationship between her children and our family means, my teenage niece and nephew want to spend time with their paternal gf and have learnt so much from him, they know their other gp's but the relationship is surface deep at best. If an overnight babysitter is needed I get the call and I'm delighted to help, in fact I wish I was needed more. Your comments really annoyed me, you are absolutely blessed to be pregnant but are only searching for negatives, have you ever seen sisters who didn't like each other, I have seen plenty, I am an older sister and my brother is one of my most favourite people that I love beyond what I can express, his relationship with my dc brings me to tears of happiness. You express such strange ideas and future scenarios that I suggest some counselling may be needed but right now I just feel sorry for the poor little boy youare carrying. This post mat be identifying but I don't care, I love my sil for giving us such wonderful additions to our family, for seeing beyond the ridiculous idea that the paternal family is less in any way, you could learn a lot from her!!!

I've went back and read OP's posts (previously skimmed over most in the thread as the concept of putting value on gender is so alien and toxic I'd rather not have to read them and pollute my mind) but yes it's clear she is letting her upbringing and the lack of family closeness (which I've touched on not being common in Irish families) in regard to the paternal side impact how she values a male, which is less than a female as it's the maternal side who were given a greater part to play in her life.

That at least explains some of OP's thinking, even though it is skewed. As you said her family dynamic where one side is placed higher than another doesn't mean the next generation follows suit. Being an Irish family we placed both sides equally as important, so my dad's mum and my mum's mum I saw pretty much as often as each other. I especially adored my granny on my dad's side. And in terms of who keeps in touch most with the mum, daughters or sons, on mothers days it's my eldest brother who has a bouquet of flowers delivered home. My other brother he organises live traditional music for our mum to hear at home. And these kind of stories are the norm in close families.

You cannot project your own personal experience on all families though.

I moved abroad and so seeing my parents involves a 7 hour journey and an international border. My in laws live a 10 minute walk away.

My parents are the scheduled visits and my in laws are the drop ins who give us loads of practical help. We are very close to them, as are my husband's brothers.

My brother lives in the UK and spends much more time with my parents.

Two girls can be close but they can also be catty and competitive.
You can be the close one with daughter and your son will also be very special and close to you all.
My son's children are adorable to me. If you love and respect their mother and help out if you can when asked, enjoy treating her to some TLC and coffe dates you will be fine.

Your husband gets to have a little fishing mate too.

What have grandparents got to do with anything like how do you know you will even be a grandparent ?
my sons paternal grandparents have been great and have provided us with so much support since he was born. My parents haven’t due to health issues etc.
all my grandparents were dead by the time I had a child. In fact they all died before I was born apart from one granny who died when I was a child.
this is such a non issue full of ridiculous what ifs. Your children may not want to have children.

Just be grateful and hopeful for a healthy baby. I had an abnormal NIPT in a previous pregnancy and trust me all thoughts of the baby’s sex goes out the window when that happens.

Congratulations! I have a girl and a boy who are very close. Shes early twenties now and he’s a teenager. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company. They are off to Alton towers together soon.

If you don't want your son growing up thinking this is a normal, ensure you don't treat your husband that way. Don't do most of what women on mumsnet say you should do in your marriage. You dint want your son to grow up thinking that marriage to a woman means accepting that she will dominate and control your life and lifestyle and what she says goes.

It isnt ridiculous at all. White women are starting to hate men so much that they are scared and repulsed by having male children. As we see evidenced on this and many other threads.

I have a girl then two boys. They were close when younger. Not so much now as they are different people. DD is glad to be the only girl though-she’s not a diva but loves being my only girl!

I have a girl then two boys. They were close when younger. Not so much now as they are different people. DD is glad to be the only girl though-she’s not a diva but loves being my only girl!

Yes, if she wants her son to remain close to her when he grows up and not prioritise his female partner's parents over his own, she and her husband need to model different behaviour.

She and her husband need to treat her parents in law the way they would like their son and future daughter in law to treat them.

Of course, her son may never settle down and have children of his own, or he may turn out to be gay, or he may not live to adulthood, and all of this angst will become entirely redundant.

It's so weird to be disappointed about your unborn baby being a boy based on your own particular vision of him growing up to be a married heterosexual father of 2.4 children, when none of those things are guaranteed to happen.

I'm thinking of a woman I know whose two year old daughter died suddenly. She never lived long enough for it to matter whether she was a girl or a boy, and I know her mother would give anything just to have another day with her.

It's even weirder to feel this way when the OP already has a daughter.

I agree. I have 2 boys. I have a 'complicated' relationship with my mother so I was never an 'Oh I want a girl so I can dress her up and go on girly manicure and shopping trips' types ( Actually my complicated relationship with my mother almost completely stems from my mother wanting that type of girl, and me not being it) but if my child, girl or boy, wanted to have their own life without me popping in all the time, or if I wanted my own life without them turning up unannounced all the time, then that's fine. My job as their parent is to try and make them into independent, confident adults, give them somewhere and someone to come to if they need it and definitely not make them feel they are beholden to me to keep me company and provide them with grandchildren in my old age.
I am an older sister to a younger brother. I was always more like my dad, had his wanderlust and as a result strayed far from home far more often than my brother, who lives close to my mum and sees her most days. Your poor son. I hope you don't treat him like a second class citizen because you think he wont want to have anything to do with you as an adult, because chances are, he wont. But that will be your fault, not his.