Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

Well there’s no way I would be proceeding, but I’m not you. Xx

Personally can't think of anything worse, but that's my feelings. I do have twins, it's fucking hard work and I don't have any other kids.

Will your husband get on board if you go ahead? If you thought financially one would be too much of an impact, how would you cope with two?

It's your decision, cane you contact BPAS and get some counselling?

If your DH was thinking you couldn’t manage 1 more is he going to happily get on with dealing with 2 more.
This could be the end of your marriage and your family as you know it.
In your circumstances I’m not sure I would be risking what I already have.

What a lovely blessing. Large families can be wonderful but majority on here have some sort of weird hatred for them so I'm not sure you'll get many nice replies.

Respectfully, only you and your DH can figure this out. You don’t sound on board with terminating but whatever you decide needs to be in full consideration of all the facts, and only the two of you can know what the pros and cons really are. I wouldn’t want to go ahead, but you know what’s really going to be the implications for you and your family. Good luck.

5 children. Is your house big enough? Are you able to expand to allow a bedroom for each? OR at a minimum, 4 bedrooms (2 X 2 sharing, a single and one for you)? What will the age range be of all of them?

5 children sounds unmanageable to me. Certainly will make it nigh on impossible for 2 full-time working parents. Not to mention costing an absolute fortune.

Whatever happens, if your husband is 100% against more children, he needs to get a vasectomy.

It’s tricky because your husband definitely needs to be on board. Imagine being a single mum with 5. How much will it affect your other children- your 12 year old will be entering the teen years whilst you have 2 very energetic toddlers- would you be able to give her the attention she needs? How would you afford 5 kids- could you still go on holidays? Would children have to share- they might resent it if before they didn’t.

If the thought of an abortion is breaking your heart, how in reality would you ever forgive your husband for pressuring you into it, and feel the same way about him?

I wouldn’t carry on with the pregnancy if it were my choice. I think it’s important to put the needs of the existing family first before adding any extra children. The biological urge to keep these babies is of course strong, but I would be thinking practically about this.

It’s a lovely idea but if DH was not even on board with one more child/it’s a surprise pregnancy, then it’s no surprise he’s not on board with two. 2 more kids will change things for everyone - will your older kids have to share bedrooms now, will you still be able to afford all of their hobbies, will you be able to help 5 kids with uni costs, will you be able to afford braces? Will the older kids be bored silly sitting in soft plays on a Saturday because they have younger siblings? Will your 12 and 9 year old spend their teen years ‘helping’ and babysitting three younger siblings? Will you be able to afford a new car so the whole family can do days out together, will you be able to afford summer holidays/family weekends?

Is this worth your marriage ending? How would you do all of their above plus be a single mum of 5?

You don’t have to answer all of these questions on the thread but definitely lots to think about.

Before I had my appointment Monday my husband did say over the weekend that If i really couldn't go through with it that he would obviously stand by me and respect my decision. But I would just worry that his being made to feel backed into a corner.but equally as am I. Either way one of us will be having to do something we aren't 100% on doing.

And Yes the financial strain is worrying, we live a comfortable life but you just never really know the impact of these things before they actually happen.
We're quite an introvert family and enjoy our own space and company. We Aren't massive jet setters so it isn't like family holidays will be affected so from a day to day point of view other than having 2 extra members of the family it wouldn't cause too many changes.

I just need to separate my head and my heart on this situation and make sure the right decision is made and its absolutely terrifying as I don't want any regrets for whichever choice we make! 😩

Surely this depends on individual circumstances.

I totally agree large families can be wonderful.

However it depends on circumstances. It doesn't sound 'wonderful' to add twins to a situation where OP and her partner already agreed previously that even 1 more child would be too much of a financial strain, and where one parent explicitly doesn't want even 1 more child.

OP, you clearly want validation for your decision to continue with the pregnancy and you will get that from some PP with an agenda, definitely. But ultimately this can only be your decision and you should do what you feel is right by yourself and just as importantly your existing children.

I have 3 DC and one of my major reasons for stopping there is financial. If I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with twins, my DH would support me if I wanted to continue the pregnancy as tbh he is keen for us to have another DC anyway. But it would be a straight, sad, no from me, I definitely wouldn't put us all through that. We live in a small-ish 3 bed semi, even logistically there would be no way we could accommodate twins and remain in the area we live in.

Twins are no more or less of a blessing than a single or triplets. If you weren't proceeding with a single, I don't understand the justification for proceeding with twins. Seems a little like a novelty for you. If your husband isn't enthusiastic then don't force this on him. Like you say, it may all be a moot point in due course.

Don't force a quasi parenting role on your other children. I think take a step back and reassess, could you manage as a single parent?

Why does it matter if it's twins or a single baby? Jeesh.

What’ll happen to your business, are going to give it up or try to juggle it with a teenager, tween, the middle one and two toddlers? Really think how that’ll affect your day to day and the children you have.

Think practically beyond the ooooh it was meant to be. Your H would probably appreciate a realistic plan.

I just couldn’t abort in your situation. 💐

I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason

I was going to list off a load of awful things that happen to people but given you're pregnant that seemed a bit unkind but honestly this is such a silly attitude. There is no designer of your life planning out challenges for some higher purpose. This hasn't happened for a 'reason' it's just a choice you need to make now - stick at 3 children or take the option of increasing to 5. Use your head to decide, talking about everything happening for a reason is just a way of avoiding using your head.

My personal thoughts are that we have the greatest obligation first to our current children.

Will the lives of your 12, 9 and 3 yo be improved, or in any way deteriorated, by having two further siblings to share time, attention, money?

Secondly, tell your DH to get the snip if he's going to be funny about pregnancies.

In fairness it matters quite a bit when you're talking about nearly doubling the amount of kids you have Vs adding one more.

It sounds like you want to proceed, so that's that.

Congratulations

You clearly want them but twins without his full support won’t be easy.

Honestly, I don't know what my decision would be. I'm too old now for pregnancies, so it's something that I'm not going to encounter. However, both of you need to be on board with whatever decision you make. No one on here can give you an answer to which decision you should make, we don't know you, your husband or family circumstances. It's very easy for someone to say yes to an abortion or yes to continuing with the pregnancy, because we're not currently in your shoes. Talk is cheap, when you're not the person going through a situation. You need to have an honest conversation with your husband and make a decision together. Have some counselling separately and together to gain some perspective. Whatever decision is made, it needs to be the right one for you as an individual, a couple and as a family. Sending you much love ❤️

Your day to day life will be massively impacted by twins.

You’re older ones are approaching their teen years and that alone comes with fairly big challenges and increased costs.

You may need to think about bigger cars and a house move if you don’t have the room for two extra people.

Lots to consider beyond aww it’s twins.

I do find it annoying when men say they want their partners to have a termination as if it’s like taking a tablet for a headache.
If he didn’t want any more DC why didn’t he have a vasectomy or use a condom ?
I was pressurised into having a termination by my first husband . Never forgave him.

OP, I found I was expecting twins after three other children, the oldest of whom, when they were born, was five. Yes it was hard work, yes it meant a certain amount of belt-tightening - but I think that whatever life throws at you, you just get on with it. There’s always enough love to go round. I would admit, though, that I was lucky to have help from my DM and my DSis. I think you’re in a difficult position, because I think you will resent your DH if you get rid of them, and he might not be best pleased if you keep them. If you are sure he’d respect your decision, then I’d go ahead.