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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

447 replies

RM24 · 19/02/2025 10:20

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

OP posts:
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UninterestingFirstPost · 19/02/2025 11:10

By not having a vasectomy sooner your husband has given you a very difficult decision to make. You also have to take into account that twins are more likely to be born early and to have consequences from that; could you fit in two children with special needs?
How would you feel if you miscarried them, do you think? If you would feel secretly relieved, while still sad, that would be an answer of sorts.

Glorybox2025 · 19/02/2025 11:11

Snoken · 19/02/2025 11:06

You haven't gone through the teenage years with your older kids yet so you have no clue what's in store but I can tell you that teens are in many ways far more demaning on your time, finances and mental load than little kids will ever be. I don't know how many nights I have been laying awake at night waiting for them to come home so I can sleep knowing they are safe, worrying about their mental health, sitting up with them when they have had their hearts broken or had friendship issues. Teens are incredibly harmful to your nerves and heart. It's all so fragile.

Your DH doesn't want these unborn babies so he is unlikely to be much help and with baby and toddler twins you will have absolutely zero time for your older kids, so he would have to act pretty much as their only parent whilst you look after the younger ones. I really do think that this would damage your relationship with your older kids as they will feel pushed out. This is not a blessing for them, it's a huge inconvenience.

Yes, this. Getting two teenagers through secondary school/GCSEs/hormones/boundaries etc with two twin toddlers will be hellish.

justkeepswimmng · 19/02/2025 11:11

Jesus, people are talking as if you have 11 children.

OP you dont mention your age which is probably quite important.

However, you seem to have made your decision and are happy about it and that in my book means an abortion if firmly off the table.

Noone can comment or judge how you will "cope" or react with 2 more children and there are millions of 5+ children families that cope just lovely.

I also find it so fucking rude when people throw in passive aggressive comments about navigating the teenage years and just you wait, this is something thats been the case since the beginning of time and parents have all survived it so lets not make it a bigger deal than it is.

mydogisthebest · 19/02/2025 11:12

I think you would be absolutely crazy to go ahead and have them How on earth will you afford 5 children?

It's not fair on your 3 existing children and it will probably be the end of your marriage

ThejoyofNC · 19/02/2025 11:12

JimHalpertsWife · 19/02/2025 11:10

I couldn't up end my 3 children's lives with this. Blessing or no. Especially given that the father isn't actually on board with it, which then also increases the chance he will want to separate at some point in the future.

What on earth are you talking about? "End up their lives" like what?

Original poster
RM24 · 19/02/2025 11:14

justkeepswimmng · 19/02/2025 11:11

Jesus, people are talking as if you have 11 children.

OP you dont mention your age which is probably quite important.

However, you seem to have made your decision and are happy about it and that in my book means an abortion if firmly off the table.

Noone can comment or judge how you will "cope" or react with 2 more children and there are millions of 5+ children families that cope just lovely.

I also find it so fucking rude when people throw in passive aggressive comments about navigating the teenage years and just you wait, this is something thats been the case since the beginning of time and parents have all survived it so lets not make it a bigger deal than it is.

Im 31 :)

OP posts:
justkeepswimmng · 19/02/2025 11:16

RM24 · 19/02/2025 11:14

Im 31 :)

Show quote history

Absolutely young enough ( in my opinion) to have the energy to contend with the sheer chaos you will have 😂

Good luck OP whatever you decide 😍

Sunnydiary · 19/02/2025 11:16

I think you will be resent your husband so much if you feel pressured to terminate.

How much do you think he will resent you if you go ahead with the pregnancy?

Such a difficult decision, I really feel for you. I agree with PP though, if DH felt that strongly about it he should have had a vasectomy ages ago…

Lowkey28 · 19/02/2025 11:16

You’ll find a way, enjoy it! A large family is fabulous, don’t worry, it will all work out, as it usually does. The older ones are at school and nursery too I’m guessing.

Snoken · 19/02/2025 11:17

justkeepswimmng · 19/02/2025 11:11

Jesus, people are talking as if you have 11 children.

OP you dont mention your age which is probably quite important.

However, you seem to have made your decision and are happy about it and that in my book means an abortion if firmly off the table.

Noone can comment or judge how you will "cope" or react with 2 more children and there are millions of 5+ children families that cope just lovely.

I also find it so fucking rude when people throw in passive aggressive comments about navigating the teenage years and just you wait, this is something thats been the case since the beginning of time and parents have all survived it so lets not make it a bigger deal than it is.

Most people have higher aspirations for their kids than just survival. I have just seen two kids through teenhood and there is no way I could have done a good job with that with 2 toddlers too. They would have survived but our relationship would not have been as close as it is now.

Daisyvodka · 19/02/2025 11:17

I'm going to be absolutely brutal here:

If your husband disappeared off the face of the planet tomorrow, what would happen financially. Take out child support from the equation. How would you financially do it. You need to plan, because everyone thinks it won't happen to them, or their ex wouldn't leave them high and dry, but it does happen. Sit down and do research and numbers and actually plan it.

Same with if one of you became ill and couldn't work. What would that look like financially? Numbers, not ideas.

Okay now price up teenagers. Teenagers sharing rooms is a temporary solution, so not a permanent one, so how could you move to a bigger home? What do the finances look like. Now factor in if one of you loses your job. Or if you get a divorce. Numbers. Plan.

Stop romanticising it, because it's your children who will suffer for you thinking 'we'll middle through' - the world has changed from 20 years ago where maybe you would have, but its a lot tougher out there and not working through disaster scenarios is incredible irresponsible towards your existing kids.

justkeepswimmng · 19/02/2025 11:20

Snoken · 19/02/2025 11:17

Most people have higher aspirations for their kids than just survival. I have just seen two kids through teenhood and there is no way I could have done a good job with that with 2 toddlers too. They would have survived but our relationship would not have been as close as it is now.

Show quote history

No, i mean the parents survive it.

I have friends who had children very young 16/17 then further children in their 30s.

All turned out beautifully even with these disgusting feral toddlers ruining their lives.....

Loopytiles · 19/02/2025 11:20

The housing situation doesn’t sound suitable for 5DC. Sounds like money would be a problem & it’s hard for mums to make a living the more DC we have. Your personal and DCs’ financial situation would also be precarious in the event of a break up.

Your beliefs and wishes about twins seem to be over riding other considerations, eg ‘the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim’, twins being special etc. It’s an odd position to be OK with terminating a single pregnancy but not a twin one.

TheBossOfMe · 19/02/2025 11:20

5 kids in a 3 bed - no way?

And your 12 year old is at a really crucial stage in life - baby twins in the house is going to be hugely disruptive.

Timble · 19/02/2025 11:20

I only have two children (young adults) but we’ve been able to financially support them through uni and also treat them and we have a nice life. But…. It’s so expensive, I worry about them getting on the property ladder and we’re trying to save as much as we can to help them out. In their mid to late teens they struggled with GCSEs a levels, anxiety etc. I was able to support them but it was so very hard. 5 children would be so difficult. All will have varying needs at different stages. You will be beyond exhausted and your husband though supportive seems to feel 3 children is a comfortable limit. You will feel a strong urge to carry on your pregnancy but I’d look at the three children you already have and think about their futures and how they will be impacted. I don’t envy your predicament and I hope it all works out for you all x

ThePearlBee · 19/02/2025 11:21

At 31 I wouldn't terminate wanted children. That's absolutely not a statement about what anyone else should do. But I wouldn't.

I am one of a large family. My closest relationships are with the ones who were little when I was a teen, and are now young adults who are great with MY small kids. It's one of my greatest joys. That's not to say there aren't downsides. My mum had way less time for me than some people's. (But she had way more kids than 5.)

ButIToldYouSoooo · 19/02/2025 11:21

So your solution is to cram your children and yourselves into your home which will be too small for all of you, force the 9 and 3 year old to continue to share which will be unfair and unsustainable in a year or two, and discounts the possibility of the twins having special needs of their own in a cramped house.

It's kind of odd that you would have likely terminated a 'single' pregnancy but will keep twins because of 'fate'? Really? No. It was an 'accident', like the previous accidents, and you've both been irresponsible frankly, and now your existing children will have their lives severely impacted as a result with considerably less space and resources for all going forward if you do this.

WinniePrules · 19/02/2025 11:21

I had a fourth pregnancy aged 40, DC were 16, 15, 8. Termination is out of the question to me. Life was hard but joyful. The house was too small for our family of 6. The eldest DS had a health condition.
He passed away 4 years ago. We were very close with my precious, talented and suffering boy. He loved his baby brother dearly. DS number 2 left a few years ago and is independent, DS number 3 studies for a paramedic and lives with us. My youngest, who is 10 now, is the centre of my life. I don't know how my husband and I would have coped with our loss without him. I look at our family photos when he was born. Life was very hard and only now do I realise how happy we were.
Children grow up, and the family dynamics change all the time.
Looking back I realise that this difficult time of living as a family of six was the happiest time of my life. It only lasted for six years.

Praying4Peace · 19/02/2025 11:21

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 19/02/2025 10:37

If the thought of an abortion is breaking your heart, how in reality would you ever forgive your husband for pressuring you into it, and feel the same way about him?

This sums it up.
There are no easy answers OP and I don't feel in a position to advise.
I struggled with parenting one child, that said, people 'cope' with what they have to, including the number of children they have.
Can you and your husband sit down and have a frank, honest discussion and see what comes from that.
Sending you strength, whatever decision you both come to.

Loopytiles · 19/02/2025 11:21

I’d personally find termination difficult, but disagree with the assumption that existing DC would adjust etc - money & housing issues & parental time & resources being stretched would be to the DCs’ detriment.

ThePearlBee · 19/02/2025 11:22

@Glorybox2025 you can't know it will be hellish.

VikingsandDragons · 19/02/2025 11:22

I get where you're coming from OP and it sounds like your husband understands and is supportive of you even if you don't decide in accordance with his preference. Could you both chat to a councellor together to help reach a decision? I'd be thinking very similarly to you, that unless things were dire then you can adapt a house, buy a new car etc, and either way one of you will have to compromise, but from these forums as well as several friends experience it seems to significantly impact on mental health for the mother when she has an abortion she's not 100% completely wanting and that likewise has an impact on the family. Both my aunt and my sister tell me their twins were easier than the singletons, woke at the same times for feeds, always amused one another from birth and neither of them were always on the floor playing because they played with each other, but no getting around financially it's twice as much, emotionally you need to be there to support them individually etc. It sounds very new and you don't need to make a decision today, give yourself a few days to think it all through, maybe talk to people who have been on either side of this coin.

Hazelmaybe · 19/02/2025 11:23

So I had twins and 1 other (two years older) and it is hard work, basically without your husband fully involved (up in the night with you feeding and changing them with you, or taking shifts) the first few months will be horrible in my opinion (and my husband helped every night and I was still way more tired than with one baby) There are ways to make it less stressful/tiring but it works best when both people share the workload.
I would make sure he’s willing to do everything that he can to help you in the early stages before I went ahead. Only you know if you can go ahead with a termination but think carefully about how much support you will have, two babies at once is really different from one on their own - way harder for the first couple of years.
Goodluck it’s a tough position to be in.
if you decide to go ahead there’s lots of twin groups you can reach out to for support and tips x

Digdongdoo · 19/02/2025 11:23

All very well thinking you'll manage. But how will you manage? Will you divide everything by 5 rather than 3? Or will up your income? Will all kids get less of everything, or do you have prospects to earn more?
Whatever you decide you owe it to yourselves and your DC to go into it eyes wide open.

Praying4Peace · 19/02/2025 11:23

ButIToldYouSoooo · 19/02/2025 11:21

So your solution is to cram your children and yourselves into your home which will be too small for all of you, force the 9 and 3 year old to continue to share which will be unfair and unsustainable in a year or two, and discounts the possibility of the twins having special needs of their own in a cramped house.

It's kind of odd that you would have likely terminated a 'single' pregnancy but will keep twins because of 'fate'? Really? No. It was an 'accident', like the previous accidents, and you've both been irresponsible frankly, and now your existing children will have their lives severely impacted as a result with considerably less space and resources for all going forward if you do this.

Bloody hell, what a heartless, insensitive, judgemental post.

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