Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

I wouldn't willing have 5 kids in a 3 bed. I'd prioritise my existing children. You're also making yourself hugely vulnerable if your husband left or died. I wouldn't be remotely comfortable proceeding. What if these twins have sever SEN? Your older kids education will be hugely impacted.

I would suggest you see a counsellor IRL, OP, who will be able to help you think through it all. On here you're mainly just getting people's views on what they personally would do plus a load of judgement. It's very early so you have time.

BPAS offer a counselling service- they are very good and won't try to push you down one path or another, just understand your own thoughts and feelings.

Yes that's the point. You could say my parents survived my teen years but that's because they totally focused on themselves. It's very different if you want to be a supportive and involved parent to teens.

While a 9 year old is happy to share with a 3 year old, a 14 year old will be less happy to share with a 8 yr old. Also how will you run your business? Which leaves your DH with all the financial burden. What if he gets ill or leaves? Three children would be much easier than five.

It's pretty obvious you want to go ahead op so I'm not sure there's a huge amount to discuss. I'm sure you'll manage.

Personally if it was me there's no way I'd go ahead but I'm a big fan of not making your life unnecessarily hard.

I have 3 dc and getting pregnant and starting over again is my worst nightmare, but that's me and you sound like you want to proceed. Be sure it's not just the romanticism you're getting carried away with, after all twins or not, they will still grow up into children/teens, with lots of needs, will both need supporting financially, can you comfortably afford to put 2 through university at the same time if that was what they wanted? It's 2 lots of everything basically on top of your 3 other dc, twice the expense, twice the stress. I suppose you could also say it's twice the love etc as well. Then there's your husband, I would hate to have children forced on me that I didn't want, I can see that destroying your marriage if he can't/won't get on board and be happy about it. There's a lot to think about.

Agreed. I hope whatever you decide works out ok for you and the rest of your family OP. I think twins would actually incentivise me more to make that final decision tbh!

Not read the full thread only OPs posts. Any chance you can extend the property you are living in? Loft conversion, room over garage, convert garage, can sometimes be cheaper than moving

It will be tough. 9 year old can share with 3 year old for a couple more years but then they will need separate rooms.

Hopefully you have hung onto the 3yr old's clothes otherwise Vinted

Lots to think about and discuss

Good luck whatever you decide

No one is stupid or writing stupid posts. She asked for advice, everyone else is writing off her marriage and saying her kids lives would all be over by bringing two babies into the world

There’s also every chance this could be fantastic for her family and relationship. Lots of people on this forum only see the bad in life because of their own experiences and resentments. Her situation is similar to mine, and it’s not terrible at all. I am experienced enough with twins to note they bring so much joy to my life and others and have been nothing but a great addition

my older children hold no resentment to them, obviously. It’s been the making of them , so quite the opposite

Not everything and everyone in life needs to be quite so negative

Enjoy the opportunities life throws at you, more often than not you can make it work, you just don’t know it yet

Such misery on this site all the time. Please don’t call things stupid , there is no need. Have a cup of tea and calm down love

My kids are 11 and 7. They share a bedroom. When the 11 year old was 9 she loved having her sister with her…she is 11 now and absolutely despises it. She needs her space. My younger one is starting to feel the same way. There is no way in hell I would consider having 5 kids in a 3 bed house. And that’s just one example of a situation you will be facing. How will you be supporting your kids with 5 sets of homework, five lots of uniform, clubs or childcare for all of them, not to mention university. Would you have time for the child who is about to start secondary school and will be needing your support for navigating the huge transition? Have you considered that one of your twins or both might have additional needs…or health needs?

Only you can make this decision but I will be seriously considering the impact this pregnancy will have on your existing children and your marriage.

5 kids in 3 bed with two already sharing a room and a husband who is not on board?

Yeah...no. Proceed if you're capable of supporting all 5 as a single mother.

I also don't understand this: one baby - terminate, whatever; 2 - a BLESSING, fate, happened for a reason, yadda yadda. Nice one for that 'one baby'.

I always wanted twins until I had just 1 - and now all I can do is respect parents of multiples because it is hard work.

I once taught quadruplets and how they got all 4 to arrive anywhere in clean clothes, wiped faces and no tears is beyond me.

This!

This is the route to go because you are currently conflicted.

How on earth can anyone here tell you you're making the right choice?
Sounds insane to me but it's not my choice to make!

Besides, whilst older kids, like teens for example don't necessarily need as much help sleeping, eating etc, they need a lot more logistical input. We spend most evenings driving ours to their sports etc, and that would be way harder with tiny twins. We also have a 7 year old but he is old enough to join in, stay up late, sit quietly if needed etc. I wouldn't have wanted to curtail their lives.

My three eldest children were the same ages as yours when number four came along. The main thing I noticed was that I don't really remember a lot about the eldest twos secondary school age stuff because I was focused on a baby and preschooler. I had a lot of family help (although their dad left when the baby was two) and I couldn't have managed without that. With number four I have found I am more than ready to get the school stuff over now, I have been doing it forever it feels. Youngest is 16 soon and going to take GCSE's this summer so after 25 years or so I will finally be free of the school system! In terms of their relationships with each other, eldest had little to do with the younger two although close to his eldest sister as only a two year gap between them. The eldest girl loved helping with the baby to begin with although they started clashing when youngest was about 6/7. There is likely to be a degree of divide between the eldest two and the three young ones just because of the age differences and needs. I'm guessing with twins this could be a more intense divide.

At the end of the day though you know your family, finances and capabilities but also consider factoring possibilities of SEN/disability and how you would all manage in a worse case scenario where a child needed more care than you anticipate now. I know we all muddle through our situations but it is something to think on before you make a final decision.

I hope it all works out in the way you hope.

I’m a twin with three older siblings so same family dynamic OP and I know if I were in your position I would 100% keep the twins! Growing up we may have had slightly less holidays and extracurricular clubs but I’d rather be born and experienced the love of a a big family than not. Such a blessing, family is the most important thing after all.

Adding two more kids to the mix when you already have a 9 and 3 year old sharing a bedroom, just because you want the novelty of twins? I can’t think of anything more selfish.

A three bed house is not big enough for the family you currently have. It’s certainly not big enough for a family of 7.

Often in life there is no way to have no regrets. You will have regrets whichever way you decide to proceed, so think about which regrets you can live with.

Good luck reaching a decision.

I wouldn't, the impact on your current children will be huge. That being said I don't know if i could cope with a termination either. It's a horrible situation to be in.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I'd keep the babies if deep in your heart that's what you want. I know I would. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something that you are not 100% on board with. Families adapt to new situations all the time.

It sounds like you want to continue with the pregnancy, so you should.

OP, this is a huge dilemma and I have no idea what to advise. I can only sincerely wish you all the best 🙏🏻💗

Ultimately, and obviously, it is OP’s choice but a 3 bed semi housing 7 people is not a choice I would make. I’d really consider moving, OP, or even an extension/loft conversion? Although if you were worried about the financial impact of one baby, I can’t image how this would be an option?

The eldest DS is not far off from puberty and will want their own space, the other DS is MUCH younger and their ages will soon very much clash. If eldest goes to uni, will she lose her bedroom to a younger sibling? What if she has to move back in after uni, can’t get a job?

How will it work having mum and dad sleeping downstairs if young twins are restless upstairs/crying/messing around? They’re more likely to walk into siblings rooms at night than go downstairs to parents.

Maybe if your DH really doesn't want anymore kids then he should have gotten a vasectomy.

If he's having sex with a woman then pregnancy is always a risk.