Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

I think you're basing a lot of this on destiny and fate which probably isn't a good idea.

I think you need to think of the practicalities. It was an unplanned pregnancy, a mistake. Your husband really isn't on board. You have three other children. Unless you are both very high earners you are going to be stretched financially.

5 kids is a LOT. Especially in this day and age because everything just seems to be getting harder. Money is tight for most people.

Ultimately it's your choice but don't let your heart overrule your head.

Yes, yes you can

What have your previous pregnancies been like? Did you carry to term? Did you struggle? And you're not older than your previous pregnancies. Twin pregnancies will likely be harder on your body, you may have them earlier than full term, and the possibility of one or both having special needs are higher. Are you prepared for that on top of all the financial implications: cars that seat 7 with car seats; bigger house; bigger food budget/expenditures/diapers/formula if you struggle with feeding twins/childcare/activities for all the children. Will your other children end up going without because of the new additions? Oh, and expecting the 12 year old to 'help' because you wanted more babies isn't fair or their responsibility. They're getting ready to be having a life of their own...

I think you need to hear your husband's side in this, especially since you sound more enamoured with the 'fairy tale' version of twins than the potential realities this late in your family planning.

Twins are a blessing and wonderful, but also a huge risk. You're more likely to end up with time in NICU at the start of their lives, and I don't know the stats but I know people who have lost one twin during the pregnancy making the whole thing extremely stressful and heartbreaking. Personally in your shoes I would be researching the risks. You could go from three healthy children to five children, including two with very serious care requirements.

Practically speaking, how will you support 5 children? Can you afford a bigger car, a bigger house, 5x driving lessons, 5x university. Can you afford nursery x2 or can you afford not to work or work less? How will you navigate exam years while juggling 2 toddlers? Could you manage if there were special needs?
Everything will be spread thinner. Do you like how that looks for your existing children?
You weren't "meant to be" a mum of 5. If we left it all to destiny most of us would have at least 7. It's not destiny or fate, it's absence of birth control.

Well it's selfish to someone, because keeping them is selfish to the other kids she has. Those other kids aren't going to get as much time, attention, money, help, and they're going to have to deal with screaming and tantruming while trying to study for exams and probably have to babysit and parent into the mix instead of enjoying their childhoods as children.

My advice would be to be pragmatic. Take the romanticism out of it.

Gently, all I see from your OP as reasons to continue the pregnancy is kind of just starry eyed nonsense. “Twins are a blessing”, “everything happens for a reason”, “maybe I was destined”. Those aren’t reasons.

I know when I had a miscarriage people saying “everything happens for a reason” and “you weren’t destined to be a mother” would have turned my stomach, as it would most sensible people’s. So to use that sort of non-logic as a reason for a pregnancy is just as crass IMHO.

I’m not saying a termination is the right way to go for you. I’m just encouraging you to think about it in a more serious manner. Also don’t assume your eldest will love helping out. No matter how much she likes babies living with 2 of them 24/7 in an increasingly cramped house is another matter.

All of this

if you thought one more is too much then two more def will be

sort out contraception /get dh the ship

@RM24 Can you financially support yourself and 5 children on your own salary? A family friend had 6 kids in 6 years with her husband who was having multiple affairs, he eventually left her.

She’s now on her own with 6 kids and a life on the dole . As children get older they become more expensive , can you afford to raise 5 on your own ?

I wouldn't abort, and it seems as if you don't want to either.

I think my dh would feel the same as yours though and it would be very hard as you wouldn't want him to resent your pregnancy or children. But, as you say, you are as backed into a corner as he is as it was not planned by either of you.

So hard though, and I hope you have support whatever happens

Husband is booked in for a vasectomy, He made the appointment as soon as we found out I was pregnant so regardless of what happens we wont ever have to relive this scenario.

We live in a 3-bed semi currently our 12yo in her on room(which she will always stay on her own due to her age), my 9&3 son's share with my 9yo having his own gaming cupboard (harry potter style lol) and we have the large front bedroom. I think with adapting rooms we would be able to accommodate everyone as we would move our bedroom downstairs into the dining room and move the table into the kitchen so we can gain an extra bedroom and segregate my 9 & 3yo room into two parts.

I feel like with most things in life you just learn to adapt and get on with it but of course use my thoughts are always with my children and I would never agree to anything that would impact negatively on them, nor would i force my children to look after one another and rob them of their childhood but as a family we are all very close and it would be their choice to offer to feed a bottle or help with other things as they did when my youngest was born, I had to practically fight my daughter for my son 😂

Its just scary being faced with this and having to make such an impactful decision as 5 children is crazy but then again so is life!

I don't think you're recognising how much work twins are.
I've got 2 family members with twins and it was incredibly difficult. They rarely sleep at the same time, you're always holding or changing one and frankly the other kids got pretty much ignored for the first few years as there was always a twin who needed something. You've got three other children all entering phases when they need active parenting, not just baby warehousing and you won't be available.
You mention you're an introvert family- what if some of your kids aren't? What if they want to go to clubs or spend 1-1 time with a parent doing an activity?

It's your choice but it sounds like you're making it due to the novelty of twins.

and on top of all that it's not just two extra, it's two extra at the same time. twins very different even to having children very close in age, which the OP's aren't anyway.

edit: in a 3 bed semi as well? hell no.

What sort of family support do you have around you OP?

First of all I would give yourself some breathing room it's a big shock. In your heart do you think you could forgive yourself if you went through with the abortion. And do you think your marriage could survive? I am firmly pro choice for women, but only if they want to do it. If you have very strong doubts then it might not be an option for you. I'm not going to say what I would do as every circumstance is different. But I would open the topic of the snip with your partner to avoid any future heartache. I hope you will be supported no matter what decision you make. In real life and online

Oh dear. I do get where you're coming from, but I have to say I'm with your husband on this one. It doesn't seem quite fair on your existing kids.

You haven't gone through the teenage years with your older kids yet so you have no clue what's in store but I can tell you that teens are in many ways far more demaning on your time, finances and mental load than little kids will ever be. I don't know how many nights I have been laying awake at night waiting for them to come home so I can sleep knowing they are safe, worrying about their mental health, sitting up with them when they have had their hearts broken or had friendship issues. Teens are incredibly harmful to your nerves and heart. It's all so fragile.

Your DH doesn't want these unborn babies so he is unlikely to be much help and with baby and toddler twins you will have absolutely zero time for your older kids, so he would have to act pretty much as their only parent whilst you look after the younger ones. I really do think that this would damage your relationship with your older kids as they will feel pushed out. This is not a blessing for them, it's a huge inconvenience.

Agree. You have three children who already exist and your obligations are to them and their wellbeing. Financial strain on the family, the increased likelihood of your marriage and thus their family breaking down because of the stress and strain, two babies in the house causing upheaval and demanding your attention during your teens’ important formative years, reduced opportunities for your existing three children because of having to do everything with and for five children. I can’t see any positives here for your existing children, only negatives.

Ultimately only you and your DH can decide. But you need to stop thinking everything happens for a reason... You need to think practically instead. How would you cope if the twins were disabled? Your eldest is about to enter teen years, which I've heard (I'm far from having teens) can be very challenging. Can you still give your teenagers enough of your time with two babies? Your DH isn't fully on board, would you be comfortable with your marriage potentially taking a hit? That's not even mentioning finances, space, time for each child.
Of course it's your body, and your decision. But really think logically about it all first.
Lots of luck op

But the husband can force an abortion onto a woman who doesn’t want one? Right.

I don't envy you. It is a tough decision. Your family sounds lovely.

Honestly OP you can't have 5 kids in a 3 bed. That's not fair on any of them. Sure you'd "manage" if you had to, but don't you want more from life than "managing"? How will it work as they get older?

I get the feeling you are more excited by the novelty that they are twins. Believe me, as much as I love mine (grown now) it is HARD work and very expensive.

Personally I’d think very carefully about proceeding and make sure your DH is 100% on board.

I couldn't up end my 3 children's lives with this. Blessing or no. Especially given that the father isn't actually on board with it, which then also increases the chance he will want to separate at some point in the future.