Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

I wouldn't. The financial impact is huge, if you are in a 3 bed now with two children already sharing you are not exactly loaded. Can you afford a people carrier vehicle, 5 lots of children's christmas & birthday presents? 5 lots of extra curricular activities? 5 lots of school uniform & shoes. Imagine your home with 5 young adults still living there with you (a very real possibility now that property is unaffordable to young workers).

Honestly I think you would be mad to consider this.

The people saying it’s meant to be must have their head in the clouds or be very financially secure - You need to be realistic and think practically.

Two babies in nappies
Formula is what? Approx £10 to £15 a tub per week? Double it for twins.
You’ll need the outlay costs that come with newborns. Eg a double pram, feeding equipment, clothing , two car seats - This then spirals into needing two cars.

Then the question is the house big enough. It will only be a couple of years until your eldest son needs his own private space. They’ll never be able to have their friends over as they’ll have no space that’s their own or little ones getting on their nerves.
Then there’s the expense that comes with having teens which I don’t think anyone can prepare you for. Their social lives and food bill alone are extortionate. They don’t want hand me downs - They come home asking for £100 trainers.

The cost of the weekly food shop is a sad factor to think about. You can’t make do when the fridge is empty.

Increased energy and water prices.

Would this all be funded on one wage or are you looking at two nursery fees?

Only yesterday I read a thread about those who had to ‘make do’ growing up and there was another a couple of weeks ago. Many were resentful.

Lots to consider.

I did too when I was 20 but that was in 2012. So many more people are living at home in their 20s and into their 30s because they can’t afford to move out.

Nothing except reality. Very few 23 year olds are able to afford to buy a home these days.

@DelilahRay what was the interest rate on your mortgage when you bought? I bought 10 years ago when it ranged from 0.6-1.4, now it's 4.x%...Of course children born now will eventually afford their own homes but it won't be at 23, it will be in their 30s unless they're higher earners or in a couple. And for many young people they will only afford a home by living with their parents saving on rent until they're much older than previous generations. Inflation has just jumped by 3%, so many companies are making redundancies to recoup the NI increase they pay staff - everything is more expensive and the UK really doesn't have as much money as it once did.

You were ok to proceed with termination for one but now you know it's twins you've changed your mind? I'd really think about this, the novelty of twins isn't a good reason to go ahead. You've already got 3 DC.

You’re going into this in the same way I book holidays ( without enough thought about how I’m going to pay for them). The difference is you can’t really put twins on a credit card 🤣 seriously though you need to take the rose tinted specs off. You’re having twins because you’ve been careless with contraception or whatever and you’re obviously pretty fertile. It’s not destiny or whatever it’s just biology. Sounds like a lot of hard work and massive impact on your other kids. I wouldn’t go ahead but I wouldn’t allow this to happen in the first place.

Go with your heart OP.
But whatever you decide it will work out.
I was unexpectededly pregnant with DC4, it was a shock, and I was adamant I wanted an abortion but when was at the clinic and saw the scan I knew I couldn't go through with it. Logically an abortion made sense, we were skint, snapping at each other due to money pressures, was worried about impact on our other DC, but my heart was telling me to keep baby so we did and we are both very pleased we did.
At the moment you are in shock so let the dust settle and seek support from close family or friends. It will help to talk it through with a close non judgemental friend

My third pregnancy was a complete suprise to us and I really mean it to the point when I waved a test at my husband with positive on it he thought I had covid! I had only done a test as I was contacting the doctors about being unwell and it's always 'please take a pregnancy test to rule that out first' so I did and jeez I think I actually threw up 😂😂 my point is my pregnancy wasn't planned we were both in a state of shock for a while as we weren't actively trying and I was on birth control! For me I knew my DDs would love a sibling and had been asking for years so I knew they'd be happy and I decided that regardless of any possible struggles my heart was in having the baby. My husbands response was basically regardless of anything it was me and my body that were going to be doing the work and if I was willing to do that then he was willing to start with a newborn again. ( my son is now 14 months while my daughter before him is nearly 12!) we both love having a little one around again its abit strange having had older kids for a while now but we manage ok.

I also have a friend who had three kids then had twins followed by another single pregnancy so thats 6 kids in total and shes in a 2 bed house but manages to make it work.

Goodluck op hope you make the right decision for yourself. X

I've nannied for quite a few twins. One short stint with triplets too. Initially the sleep deprivation is much worse (that's how I made my money doing overnights short term, short notice, for struggling families. I accept i saw a selection of twin families struggling that may not truly be representative. those who cope don't buy in professional help) but after the first 9-12 months it's not much different than other kids with small gaps. In fact I've cared for kids 15 months apart that were so much harder as at such different stages to each other but still needing so much care as littles.

I was accidentally pregnant with twins too. I couldn't go through the abortion but I knew what was coming and was not best pleased. I didn't want my attention taken away from my older child to the extent i knew would happen. The idea is exciting but the reality is hard graft with strangers constantly asking the same questions and feeling stretched too thin when there are older kids too. Obviously some thrive but I knew I didn't want to be that stretched or for my older child to be overlooked as I'd seen too often through work. I lost one twin and my surviving twin is disabled. Fuck me it's hard work. I thank god I don't have twins, one disabled child with no support and no school for to take him has nearly killed me, I'm a shell of a person now, two would have finished me for sure.

My older child has definitely suffered as I feared. I do my best but it's never enough of what she deserves

My rambling point is it's not just about you your husband marriage and the potential twins. You have to make your decision having considered the other children in your family who will be impacted.

I found myself in a similar position to you last year, very unexpectedly pregnant. I was referred for an early termination but upon attending the initial appointment discovered I was actually almost halfway through! After some serious discussions where my husband was still adamant that we absolutely couldn't have another baby and it would be the worst thing we could do, we did proceed with the pregnancy and had a healthy baby towards the end of last year. I won't pretend it's been easy, but our relationship has survived this unexpected upheaval and we have our extra, unexpected final member of our family

Get off your high horse were you there when they convinced? Or know the OPs full circumstances of how her birth control may of failed ? Your comment is condescending/nasty with no purpose other than to talk down to someone who is in a difficult situation looking for advise & support ..

OP Have those little babies if you want to, and I wish you and them the very best!

So you already have 3 children, are having sex but thought you had a slim chance of falling pregnant?

Wow.

6 kids and a two bed house? How? I only have one in a two bed and we're bursting at the seams.

U must declutter then 🙄

Balls off with your judgement?

@CuteEasterBunny It may well be the case that formula isn't necessary so huge saving there? I've had three kids and not spent a penny on formula. And yes, of course bf'ing twins is possible.
But OP - if your husband definitely didnt want any more (and I appreciate why), then why didn't he have a vasectomy?

@Riiiight There's no need to be rude.

Both DH and I are minimalists actually. It's just even one child accumulates a lot of stuff: pram, high chair, toys, books etc. We often sort out/donate old books and toys and she only has age appropriate ones left. We need a third spare room for storage of even our own stuff like luggage.

I doubt I'd be the only one wondering how six kids (across a range of ages) and at least one parent (possibly two) would fit into a two bed.

You have 3 bedrooms with u and partner in 1 and child in another, and a spare 3rd, yet are struggling, crikey
I live in a 3 bed, minimalist too, I have 5 children plus me, so 6 in total here, no luxury of a 'luggage' room. We cope fine :)

Erm, no. I have a (small) two bed and one child. I said we need a third bedroom for storage of things such as luggage, not solely for luggage but I think you knew I didn't mean that.

Well bully for you.
Not helping the OP projecting your own dire needs.

About 2 years ago now I had a termination of twins. I didn't want to have the termination thinking it was one baby but found it even worse knowing it was two. I found out it was twins at the termination appointment.
I didn't want the termination but I had it because I have two children already and I knew that although we would have managed with more children and we could have afforded it etc.. it would have been hard and taken my time and resources away from my existing children. We would have needed to move house, we would have had less holidays and I would have had less availability to support my children emotionally. Both my children are amazing and we haven't had major issues but they have needed all of me at various stages. Ones now a teen and needs me more than ever.
When I had children I made a promise to them and myself that I'd give them the best of everything, including the best of me. I didn't have a good childhood so it comes from that but making a decision based on my own wants, that would have a detrimental impact on their lives would have been selfish. Yes they would have had the fleeting pleasure of one or two siblings but that's it. All other aspects would have been negative for them.
It was the hardest decision I have ever made and I do regret it still. But life is full of regrets. I would rather live with regrets and carry that burden, than make my children's life harder.
I'm not saying that it's right for you op. Just adding my story so you have a range of perspectives. Only you can decide. Either way it will be hard. For me as hard as it was and as much as I still have regrets and hurt, I know that I made a selfless decision for my existing children and I would do it again.