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Original poster

AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

232 replies

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:24

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

OP posts:
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18
Stillherestillpraying · 23/12/2024 16:27

She is being a brat. Asking specifically not to have a specific date to accommodate HER? How ridiculous. You have your CS on the date which is medically advisable for YOU and YOUR child.
It is tragic what happened to her and she deserves sympathy, but she needs to work this through with a therapist and her family, not make demands on another woman’s body.

SJM1988 · 23/12/2024 16:28

As someone who also lost a baby in june 2020 but at 24 weeks, I understand you don't have a choice so wouldn't take it personally if it happened to my SIL. I'd just be grateful she was making preparations to welcome a health baby.

You don't have a choice so what does she expect you to do...risk your child to keep her happy.

Winter2020 · 23/12/2024 16:32

I think perhaps it was a mistake to draw focus or start a discussion about this but yours and the Doctors priority is getting your baby delivered safely not the date the child is born.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:34

Winter2020 · 23/12/2024 16:32

I think perhaps it was a mistake to draw focus or start a discussion about this but yours and the Doctors priority is getting your baby delivered safely not the date the child is born.

I honestly didnt think about it, all I did was tell her my due date and that I'd be having a csection from 39 weeks which was the 22nd and I only did those things because she asked - which was probably my mistake to have made!

OP posts:
TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 16:35

She is being ridiculous and so is anyone who believes her.

You may go into labour earlier, they may need to delay your date. Anything could happen between now and then.

Ignore them and congratulations 💕

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 16:37

I think OP that you made a little error in how this was handled. I would have told a little white lie about the due date and told them it was 1st July so that it was a completely different month to the EDD of the baby they lost. I would not have discussed the date of any C section at all. I would have just let it happen, and in the event it happened on their EDD, I would have told them it was an emergency. It's best not to discuss hypotheticals.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/12/2024 16:38

Of course she’s being unreasonable, but people with dead children sometimes do act in a way which is unreasonable whilst logically understandable. If your DC is born and lives and is celebrated every year on the same day hers was born and died, her DS’s entire existence is immediately overshadowed within the whole family and she no doubt worries he’ll be forgotten and written out of the family memory entirely. There’s nothing you can do about what date you’re given, just say it will be up to the staff and you’ll only know when they know, then leave it.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:39

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 16:37

I think OP that you made a little error in how this was handled. I would have told a little white lie about the due date and told them it was 1st July so that it was a completely different month to the EDD of the baby they lost. I would not have discussed the date of any C section at all. I would have just let it happen, and in the event it happened on their EDD, I would have told them it was an emergency. It's best not to discuss hypotheticals.

My original due date was the 1st of July, and she knew I would've had my csection then possibly the same date their baby was born, as that would've been from the 24th. If I had lied, the outcome would have been 100x worse, you can trust me on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:40

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/12/2024 16:38

Of course she’s being unreasonable, but people with dead children sometimes do act in a way which is unreasonable whilst logically understandable. If your DC is born and lives and is celebrated every year on the same day hers was born and died, her DS’s entire existence is immediately overshadowed within the whole family and she no doubt worries he’ll be forgotten and written out of the family memory entirely. There’s nothing you can do about what date you’re given, just say it will be up to the staff and you’ll only know when they know, then leave it.

Edited

I have already told them their child would not be forgotten about, nor overshadowed but unfortunately, it's not uncommon that kids are born on the same date.

OP posts:
Mama2b99 · 23/12/2024 16:41

Honestly she sounds very self centred. If i were you i wouldn't even be taking her opinions or informing her of things related to that topic. Shes being immature.. be careful not to get evil eye.

renthead · 23/12/2024 16:42

I actually think the hospital staff are the dicks in this scenario. I'm a midwife and there absolutely is some flexibility in elective section dates. We accommodate small requests all the time if possible and within reason. Maybe they can't accommodate it, but I bet they can.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:43

renthead · 23/12/2024 16:42

I actually think the hospital staff are the dicks in this scenario. I'm a midwife and there absolutely is some flexibility in elective section dates. We accommodate small requests all the time if possible and within reason. Maybe they can't accommodate it, but I bet they can.

They told me if it was because of me, then they would consider it but because it is not my scenario, it won't be a good enough reason as they have to put my health and baby first. Which I understand. So if it was her having a c-section/induction, they would have avoided the date for her.

I do understand that, because they do have to put my baby and my health first considering my maternal history.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:49

renthead · 23/12/2024 16:42

I actually think the hospital staff are the dicks in this scenario. I'm a midwife and there absolutely is some flexibility in elective section dates. We accommodate small requests all the time if possible and within reason. Maybe they can't accommodate it, but I bet they can.

If this is the case also, I am hoping they can accomodate me. I can only get childcare for the Friday so I would be 39+5.

OP posts:
TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 16:57

She is due so close that she may end up giving birth on that date herself.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:58

TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 16:57

She is due so close that she may end up giving birth on that date herself.

This is what my in laws have said to them too.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 23/12/2024 17:05

Nobody owns a name. Nobody owns a date.

UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 23/12/2024 17:08

Honestly, just don’t bring it up again until with them until your baby is here. There’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve warned them it’s a possibility so if it happens that your baby is born that day it won’t be a total shock. Probably by the time both your babies are due they’ll have come to terms with the fact.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 17:10

UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 23/12/2024 17:08

Honestly, just don’t bring it up again until with them until your baby is here. There’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve warned them it’s a possibility so if it happens that your baby is born that day it won’t be a total shock. Probably by the time both your babies are due they’ll have come to terms with the fact.

After how they spoke to me, we have decided to go NC. My partner fully supports me in this decision.

OP posts:
TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 17:16

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 17:10

After how they spoke to me, we have decided to go NC. My partner fully supports me in this decision.

Show quote history

A wise decision I think. They will probably spend the next 6 months acting like idiots instead of allowing you both to enjoy your pregnancies.

Clearinguptheclutter · 23/12/2024 17:22

Of course she is massively unreasonable, ignore her

however I’m not quite sure why specific dates came up. You should have just said “late June”

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 17:24

Clearinguptheclutter · 23/12/2024 17:22

Of course she is massively unreasonable, ignore her

however I’m not quite sure why specific dates came up. You should have just said “late June”

I dont think I really thought when she asked me, I figured she was asking to be supportive I suppose? Before this we had both been very supportive of one another.

OP posts:
UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 23/12/2024 17:25

Don’t send a bunch of ´we’re going NC’ messages. Just leave it and quietly put any mutual friends right if they ask you about it.

vibratosprigato · 23/12/2024 17:27

I'd obviously avoid that date if possible, knowing that it would be very hurtful to close relatives who have expressed it would cause them pain. Having read your replies it looks as though you are specifically looking for that date due to childcare. I don't buy that there's no flexibility either. Maybe it varies from trust to trust, but in ours you can pretty much choose your date.

emmax1980 · 23/12/2024 17:29

I'm sorry this has happened to her I wouldn't have mentioned the date to her and just had my section. Now I would just enjoy my pregnancy and prepare for my baby and ignore her.

Birdscratch · 23/12/2024 17:29

She’s 11 weeks pregnant, previously lost a baby at 21 weeks and you ‘informed her that there is a possibility (your) baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020. Sorry, YTA. There was absolutely no need to say that to her. Yes, her reaction has been extreme but this must be such an emotional and frightening time for her.

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