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Original poster

AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

232 replies

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 16:24

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:18

Sandcastles24 · 23/12/2024 20:12

You are being very unreasonable choosing this day over say a Thursday, one day will make little difference to your recovery.you have a bad post natal period before and will need more help for a couple of weeks so get your husband to step up and take some more time off and take the 3 year old on the school run.

She is being very unreasonable for threatening rather than just going non contact.

You are boing very unreasonable for not putting your child first. They might want a relationship with their other relatives without their existence and birthdays being overshadowed by a dead cousin.

Uou are being very unreasonable telling your sister the birthday will not overshadow her child. How can it not without being unfair to yours?

I can't choose a day, I can't have a preference. My local hospital won't listen. It's just what I preferably want. I could end up with that date without even saying a preference but I also don't understand why I'm not allowed a preference? Everyone has a preference it's human nature. He's at a new job, he has to take whatever is on his contract but don't try come for him because he'd move mountains and more for me and his children.
I have always put my kids first and when my kids want to see theirs, it happens. I just don't see why I have to be there especially when I can feel I'm not wanted.
And because we can celebrate both children on the same day. What do you think twins do? Nobody will forget their little boy, ever. He was born on that day, that's his birthday and yes we should celebrate him but if my baby is born on that date, yes we will celebrate him too.

OP posts:
anicecuppateaa · 23/12/2024 20:18

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:06

My partners mum's tumour**

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Even so, perhaps consider having a little compassion. Losing a baby is absolutely awful and life changing. You could be a little less self centred and hope to hell you never have the experience your SIL did

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:18

anicecuppateaa · 23/12/2024 20:18

Even so, perhaps consider having a little compassion. Losing a baby is absolutely awful and life changing. You could be a little less self centred and hope to hell you never have the experience your SIL did

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I've lost 4. I don't think you can tell me how it feels when I know first hand.

OP posts:
Sandcastles24 · 23/12/2024 20:19

You husbands family doesn’t care because your sisters baby was not their family. I would not trust them for advise. This is not any baby, people are always born and die on the same day but not in your own family.
I bet they would feel different it it was his sister.

A day of recovery different is not worth all the years of sadness on what should be a happy day for your child. It will alienate them from your family. Think of your child to be too not just your husbands convenience

branstonpickle28 · 23/12/2024 20:19

Sprogonthetyne · 23/12/2024 20:16

From you originally post I would have said not the arse hole, but since your further updates I'm not so sure. You started of stating a quite reasonable sounding story of not having a choice over date, which no one reasonable would blame you for.

You subsequently changed the story to if given a choice of days in that week, you would ask for the Friday (presumably the date she asked you to avoid) due to not wanting to do the school run for a few days. This seems like an entirely spurious reason, which could easily be solved by your DH taking all the kids with him and doing the school run. Your being disingenuous by presenting it as "I must have a Friday or my wound will burst open" when in fact it's more like "if I have another day my DH will be mildly inconvenienced by having to parent his children while I recover"

If you have said any of this to her, I can understand why she's upset.

This. Sorry OP. You've just mentioned that other family members are also saying no problem to the dates being the same... your poor SIL will be sat there thinking she is the only one who will remember the date for her lost child. How incredibly isolating. You should have much more compassion for this situation.

Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:19

If you have no choice and your baby happens to be born in that day, fine.

If you have a choice, and chose the day your niece/nephew died deliberately because of pretty suprious reasons then yes, you are being unreasonable.

Why can't your partner step up?

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:19

Sandcastles24 · 23/12/2024 20:14

You can always pay for extra childcare or give birth on your own is also fine, the midwife’s would look after you. I would much rather that than have a family dead babies birthday the same as my child

I can't birth naturally. My son almost died last time so I require a C-section.

OP posts:
Sandcastles24 · 23/12/2024 20:20

Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Just because you husband has blocked out his feelings doesn’t mean your sisters baby has to

Survivingnotthriving24 · 23/12/2024 20:20

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 19:40

Would you want a taxi ride with a stranger after having major abdominal surgery? No that's what I thought. Especially if I'm discharged when there is no taxis. Ridiculous 😂😂

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I quite honestly wouldn't care less, I'd be more concerned about having my children appropriately cared for and recovering.
You can't argue for wanting one specific day, and claim your SIL is unreasonable for hoping you can avoid 1 day out of 7 potential days in the one post.
I'd be more concerned about having a 4th child when my husband can't manage to care for the 3 he has for a short time to let you recover fully.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:20

Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:19

If you have no choice and your baby happens to be born in that day, fine.

If you have a choice, and chose the day your niece/nephew died deliberately because of pretty suprious reasons then yes, you are being unreasonable.

Why can't your partner step up?

Nah. Don't come for my partner. He does more for me than my Bil does for my SIL. Won't allow you to come for him when he would move mountains for me and our kids.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/12/2024 20:21

@Sae3005 I said your SIL was being unreasonable but you are coming across as such a drama queen I'm starting to think there is probably more to this than you're letting on.

If you don't get to choose the day then there's literally no point speculating about what day you'd like it to be.

Also, the pictures of your scar were way TMI.

Sandcastles24 · 23/12/2024 20:21

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:19

I can't birth naturally. My son almost died last time so I require a C-section.

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Not sure what this has to do with the quote?

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:21

Survivingnotthriving24 · 23/12/2024 20:20

I quite honestly wouldn't care less, I'd be more concerned about having my children appropriately cared for and recovering.
You can't argue for wanting one specific day, and claim your SIL is unreasonable for hoping you can avoid 1 day out of 7 potential days in the one post.
I'd be more concerned about having a 4th child when my husband can't manage to care for the 3 he has for a short time to let you recover fully.

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He can't care for the 3 he has? You on crack. He cares for our 3 and the entire fucking house. You can come for me but don't you dare badmouth my partner when he would move mountains for us all.

OP posts:
Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:22

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:19

I can't birth naturally. My son almost died last time so I require a C-section.

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Thats irrelevant. You could still give birth alone (or with your mum?) and your partner have the kids? Or pay for extra childcare?

Trying to exert the limited power you have into having your baby born on such sad say is awful.
You have months to make a new date more convenient.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 20:23

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:20

Nah. Don't come for my partner. He does more for me than my Bil does for my SIL. Won't allow you to come for him when he would move mountains for me and our kids.

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Except take annual leave or paternity leave to look after them while you recover from a c-section apparently.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:23

branstonpickle28 · 23/12/2024 20:19

This. Sorry OP. You've just mentioned that other family members are also saying no problem to the dates being the same... your poor SIL will be sat there thinking she is the only one who will remember the date for her lost child. How incredibly isolating. You should have much more compassion for this situation.

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Nobody has forgotten about.him. nobody at all. We talk about him all the time. Visit his grave. We do parties and balloon let gos for him. I'm sorry but what is she going to do if her baby is born on that date?

OP posts:
Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:23

He'll move metaphorical mountains - oh goody!

Will he take the day off work so you can avoid that date?

BeLilacSloth · 23/12/2024 20:24

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:21

He can't care for the 3 he has? You on crack. He cares for our 3 and the entire fucking house. You can come for me but don't you dare badmouth my partner when he would move mountains for us all.

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On second thoughts, OP you are vile, please don’t talk to people like this. Also your partner sounds like a cunt

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:24

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 20:23

Except take annual leave or paternity leave to look after them while you recover from a c-section apparently.

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He gets 2 weeks off. He's started a new job. He will be taking his contracted leave but he also can't attach all my kids to his bike to take them to bloody nursery (it's on a 50mph road) and my son can't walk. Do you expect him to drag him by a dog leash or something. Christ.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:24

BeLilacSloth · 23/12/2024 20:24

On second thoughts, OP you are vile, please don’t talk to people like this. Also your partner sounds like a cunt

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I'm vile? No I'm defending my partner. He's not a cunt at all.

OP posts:
Survivingnotthriving24 · 23/12/2024 20:25

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:21

He can't care for the 3 he has? You on crack. He cares for our 3 and the entire fucking house. You can come for me but don't you dare badmouth my partner when he would move mountains for us all.

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Move mountains, but not walk with the 3 of them to school and back even if it means leaving earlier to give the toddler appropriate time?! 😂

Crack on OP, best of luck, you know their shitty excuses regardless of your SIL being unreasonable.

Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:25

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:24

He gets 2 weeks off. He's started a new job. He will be taking his contracted leave but he also can't attach all my kids to his bike to take them to bloody nursery (it's on a 50mph road) and my son can't walk. Do you expect him to drag him by a dog leash or something. Christ.

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Is he a new partner? I'm guessing they aren't his kids?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/12/2024 20:25

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:24

He gets 2 weeks off. He's started a new job. He will be taking his contracted leave but he also can't attach all my kids to his bike to take them to bloody nursery (it's on a 50mph road) and my son can't walk. Do you expect him to drag him by a dog leash or something. Christ.

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I mean, he's got more than 6 months to learn to drive...

anicecuppateaa · 23/12/2024 20:25

Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:18

I've lost 4. I don't think you can tell me how it feels when I know first hand.

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Your lack of compassion is even more surprising then.

Original poster
Sae3005 · 23/12/2024 20:25

Squeekey · 23/12/2024 20:23

He'll move metaphorical mountains - oh goody!

Will he take the day off work so you can avoid that date?

I don't want to go into surgery without my partner. Do you know how terrifying that is?

OP posts:
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