AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

I told him I'd let him know what the consultant said, the plan and give them a heads up if my date.

Those laughing faces were really poorly chosen, wtf were you thinking using that emoji?!

Not sure what else I can do to prove my intentions were not at all to choose their sons birth date on purpose nor upset them. Especially when I didn't even realize the 27th was a Friday until a member told me.

They're not laughing faces. They're faces showing you feel awkward or embarrassed. I'll accept your apology.

I would read those as laughing faces - that’s how people I know use them - and they look happy and smiling. Are you sure she didn’t take them that way?

I'm certain, we both use them in situations were we both feel unsure and a bit insecure. We always have done. If we're being malicious we put 😂 just like her partner did when messaging me.

Can you not see from that screenshot you keep posting that it's used in a 'things are so bad it's funny' type way? It has a massive bloody smile on its face FFS.

Example:

No it's not. It's used in an I feel awkward way. All my messages state this and both my bil and SIL know that. I wouldn't laugh at someone who's talking about their dead child. That's vile.

It seems like others on this thread have read them that way as well. I'd say the SIL has too, as she responded with her own laughing faces.

I get that OP didn't mean it that way but the emoji does look like a laughing one. I'd have taken it that way.

The fact I'm telling you I don't use those emojis to laugh at anyone, and yet you're trying to tell me I do is disgusting. You don't know me. Those who do, know I definitely do not use that emoji to laugh at situations. I use it whenever I'm not feeling ok, I feel awkward or I'm having a bad time.

honestly, your relationships with each other sound toxic and you all obviously do not like each other. Writing statuses, pushing on and on about the date (comes across like you were looking for a reaction/an argument).

Think you all just need to leave each other alone and back off for a while.

If we're being malicious we put 😂 just like her partner did when messaging me.

You really need to grow up.

Your anxiety is for things like you might have to go home from hospital in a taxi, lol. Sorry, you're just piling on excuses at this point for your own convenience. FYI I went home after my C-section, sorry my "major abdominal surgery", in a taxi and guess what, I survived!

For proving that I was not being malicious nor laughing at her? I'm sorry, but what. I'm trying to prove myself, that I was not laughing at her.

I've said countless times that I haven't even got a surgery date. I've put nothing into place because I can't? I can't choose a date. I can't have a preference. I just mentioned in fleeting if I could have one, Friday would have been it. I didn't even realize the date until one of you mentioned it, because I didn't see the point in looking as I don't get a choice anyway. My surgery includes a tubal, which means double the pain and recovery, if I can avoid a taxi, I'm going to and I'm not wrong for that.

I was not looking for an argument, I was trying to inform her and let her know that it was out of my hands and that it wasn't my choice. I didn't even message her partner, he messaged me first and after going back and forth he admitted that's why he had started on me, so like he asked me to - I told him what would happen and why. I genuinely didn't mean for it to come across any other way.

It isn't normal for a grown up to be so frequently malicious that they have specific emojis they use especially for it...

You clearly do not know my BIL then. We have not got a good track record and I've had to defend myself from him more times than you've had hot dinners for the smallest of things. I'm not a malicious person, you could ask anyone who actually knows me this, but if I feel like your threatening or offending me, I will defend myself. Just like anybody else would do.

In terms of the practicalities, why can't you and your partner get a taxi to the hospital prior to the birth (whilst your Mum looks after the children) then when it's time for you to be discharged, your partner gets a taxi back to the children and your Mum then drives to collect you?

I’d expect him to get in the car, use public transport or put young ones in a buggy/pram and walk. Any of the normal ways parents get their children to school or nursery.

Honestly? I have not even thought that far ahead. I don't even have a date yet, don't have any plans set in motion because I don't have a choice over anything, and until I find out what is going on, whether I'm expected to be there before 7 or before 12 etc I cannot make any plans. The only thing I do refuse is going home in a taxi because my mum drives nicely over bumps and I don't know about taxi drivers near you, but I feel like I'm in the latest fast and furious movie whenever I'm in one😅

Get in the car? He can't drive. We'd have an even bigger problem if he drove, he'd end up arrested😅 He can walk to my daughter's school, but it would be unsafe to have my middle daughter (tendencies to run off) and my son (cannot walk) on the nursery run because it's a 50mph road on a main road. Hence why he would bike her there, and I would be at home with the two little ones.

I have also said time and time again, that my preference is just that, a preference. What I want, does not get listened to in my trust. I get given what I'm given and I cannot formulate some sort of plan, until I know what's going on, if I'm a priority or if my recovery will be different as I'm being sterilized.

Jesus Christ! What if it was the case that you had gone into natural labour and gave birth on that date? Would they be accusing you of doing that on purpose? Because I’d have a biology lesson waiting for them

Here's what I'm struggling to comprehend OP: you are repeatedly saying that you don't get a preference, but if you are allowed one, you will choose the date that your SIL gave birth to a dead baby, and your attitude is "why should I not choose that date when it's the one that's most convenient for me".

Most people with an ounce of consideration would think: even though the Friday would work best for me, the Saturday still works, so to avoid causing everyone in DH's family pain and distress, we'll go with the Saturday instead.

Pregnancy loss is hard, probably the most miserable time of my life, but I can't pretend that losing a baby before 12 weeks (as I did) compares to birthing a fully formed baby at over 20 weeks gestation. So yes, if you're given a choice, I think you should avoid that date, even if it works best for you.