AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

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Well clearly she is in the wrong, you should take this to the police??

I cannot imagine why anyone would post something so nasty to you op. I have reported the post. I'm sorry you had to read something so disgusting.

I have not read all the responses to your posts.

You have posted asking if you are being unreasonable so if people are telling you that you are, you need to be responsive to that

Anyone who goes through a loss has my fullest sympathies. Everyone deals with it in different ways. From your responses you aren't sounding the most understanding of your sister, it seems all about you and what you want. Which is understandable, but also completely unrealistic given how far away we are talking in terms of dates etc.. as others have said, why on earth was this brought up now? So many more hoops to jump through first surely?
Your sister will be hurting, emotional and the clash of dates will have sent her into a spiral. Not your fault, but how you deal with it now is important. Being defensive & insulting her isn't going to get you anywhere. She is lashing out, but she is grieving hugely. You need to have that in the forefront of your mind. Triggers in terms of dates are valid & important. Of course she would rather you didn't have baby on the same date, because I'm sure she would be gutted that the date would have positive connotations, that has got to be so incredibly tough. Is it in her or your control? Not really! And if it IS in your control, she is probably hoping desperately that you would be considerate enough to work around that particular day. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Everybody manages, 3 kids, 10 kids, c-section, natural birth.. you get on with it! Minimise risk yes, but I'm sure you have friends or colleagues who could step up if family aren't available... in your sisters eyes, your excuses don't match her grief. I totally get that tbh.

Sorry but i’m going against the grain here. My friend chose to have her baby on my late dd’s birthday and it has permanently ended our friendship. It seemed very thoughtless of her and as much as I’ve tried and want to be friends, she is celebrating on a day my heart is broken.

I think the hospital will understand and try to accommodate you if you ask.

Just to clarify is the Friday of the 39th week the day she lost her baby?
Your OP said the hospital have said you have no say with dates yet your post at 17.30 states you can only get to the hospital on a Friday. So what will happen if they schedule for a Wednesday? Are you going to refuse?
You either get no choice whatsoever and get given what you're given or you do get a choice, what is it? Because if you don't get any say why are you fixating on the birth having to be on a Friday?

OP, you’re not unreasonable for wanting a Friday or for taking the Friday is you’re offered it. All I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t hang your whole birth plan and recovery and breastfeeding hopes on having the baby on a Friday because for reasons entirely beyond your control, you may not get your Section on a Friday. And even if you do, the difficulties of managing your older children while recovering from your section won’t necessarily be solved by having no school run for two days. You might not even be out of hospital that weekend! Your SIL is out of order blaming you for your due date and threatening violence is not ok, obviously. But you’re now hyper focused on her being unreasonable as the only possible cause of your birth plan and recovery going tits up. But just as it’s entirely possible her own baby will be born on that Friday she’d rather avoid, it’s pretty likely your baby won’t be born on one of the two Fridays you would prefer. You will need a plan that isn’t dependent on this baby being born on one of two possible Fridays.

And say what "my in laws are threatening to harm me over message because I'm due the date they lost their child". I'm sorry but the police don't even take matters where people have actually been assaulted and not just threatened seriously. They'd laugh me out of there. We have a deep history running further than this, think previous threats of harm, previous name calling calling me fat and scabby, a lot more than just this has happened. We have only just got back into contact because of my partners mum's tumour. We were NC for the best of 3 years. We only used to see each other when our children asked and Everytime we did, I'd sit in the corner silently because I could feel how much they hated me. Probably why I'm struggling with putting how they feel first above my own recovery because they bullied me for the best part of 3 years. My mum made me cut contact after she found me in my bathroom having a panic attack over just seeing them. Maybe I'm an AH. Maybe in dramatic but my emotions stem very deep.

I don't know. When I've asked they told me I have to speak to the consultant. But if he agrees to that Friday, the latest it will happen is Saturday because I'm not allowed to go past 40 weeks. The Friday is ideal, the Saturday is ok just not as ideal. Earlier, I'll have an issue but unless I am told no to the Friday, I'm going to stay hopeful that a Friday will be ok even if it's the week before.

Yes say exactly that, if you have evidence (text messages etc..) that they are threatening you, you have every right to report it.

She's not my sister. We're not blood related. It's my partners brother and we haven't had a good solid relationship for 3 years. I've had 3 losses myself and almost lost my son in my last labor, so whilst her anxiety is about her son's birth date, mine is that my baby won't even make it through labour. I've been told I have no say on the date, but just stated I have a preference. I just want to stay hopeful that my preference will be considered and if not, I'm given the Saturday instead.

They won't do anything. If they would I'd of opened one 3 years ago when he said he was coming around to my house and I had to lock my doors because my kids were inside.

That's very different. You were friends. Me and SIL are not close at all, they bullied me for 3 years and we were NC for another 3. We only got back in contact because of my partners tumour.

My partners mum's tumour**

What more do you want from this then? Your baby wasn’t planned, you don’t have childcare, it’s not down to the hospital to plan to make your family happy, you’ve got a load of other tiny kids, your life is your life. Poor timing, bad attitude from SIL, you’ll all get over it.

What does your partner say in all this? Sorry - I refer to my sister-in-law as my sister but I get many don't see it that way! Is your partner of the same opinion as you? I'm not condoning threats or bullying, but she is obviously in a bad place with the date being a trigger. You need to try & be respectful about that instead of making it all about you, no one is putting your baby at increased risk by avoiding one particular date in those weeks, I don't understand that logic. If you can't avoid that date, fine. But I think you COULD make a request nearer the time. As others have said, are you going to refuse another day of the week because it's not a Friday?! I understand how aggravated and upset your SIL would be if that's the case!

Validation it wasn't my fault? Idk. This post was made when emotions were high. I didn't want my due date to be this week and because I am due that week, we're now back NC and I was wondering if it was my fault I'm due that week. Sounds dumb now I've calmed down.

I don't understand your answer.

He should be doing the school run for at least the few weeks after you give birth, whatever day you give birth on.

You are being very unreasonable choosing this day over say a Thursday, one day will make little difference to your recovery.you have a bad post natal period before and will need more help for a couple of weeks so get your husband to step up and take some more time off and take the 3 year old on the school run.

She is being very unreasonable for threatening rather than just going non contact.

You are boing very unreasonable for not putting your child first. They might want a relationship with their other relatives without their existence and birthdays being overshadowed by a dead cousin.

Uou are being very unreasonable telling your sister the birthday will not overshadow her child. How can it not without being unfair to yours?

Tbh this all sounds like years of arguments that have spiralled out of control, I would sort out all the issues with the in laws, and then move on to how you/ her feel about the baby’s birth date. I hope it works out for you OP 🤞🏻

My partner thinks she doesn't have a right because we've gone through loss too and would understand if someone's child would be born on that day. He agrees with Friday being the better option, we discuss it when we found out (4 weeks pregnant) because we thought I was going to be due the week after. We're aware we don't get a choice and that my preferences might be not listened to, and we will cross that bridge when it comes to it but we were hopeful it would be listened to because I'm also having a tubal ligation. My surgery will take longer to recover and be more painful and we wanted to focus on mine and the babies needs, before I had my bloody scan 5 days ago and found out I was further along. He wants me to put myself first, because he almost watched us die, but also because he knows we don't have the biggest village and we also can't get additional days at my kids nursery as they're that busy. His family agree with him and say that although they will never forget him, unfortunately other people will be born and die on that date, and although we will all miss him, if that date happens to be the date, then unfortunately there's nothing anyone can do and that they should focus on the fact she may have their baby in that date, and focus on what they are going to do if that does happen.

You can always pay for extra childcare or give birth on your own is also fine, the midwife’s would look after you. I would much rather that than have a family dead babies birthday the same as my child

From you originally post I would have said not the arse hole, but since your further updates I'm not so sure. You started of stating a quite reasonable sounding story of not having a choice over date, which no one reasonable would blame you for.

You subsequently changed the story to if given a choice of days in that week, you would ask for the Friday (presumably the date she asked you to avoid) due to not wanting to do the school run for a few days. This seems like an entirely spurious reason, which could easily be solved by your DH taking all the kids with him and doing the school run. Your being disingenuous by presenting it as "I must have a Friday or my wound will burst open" when in fact it's more like "if I have another day my DH will be mildly inconvenienced by having to parent his children while I recover"

If you have said any of this to her, I can understand why she's upset.

This is obviously very triggering for your SIL and BIL and they are lashing out. Going NC is a little silly. Give her a bit of time and grace to go through all the emotions.

It was insensitive to tell her the actual date. “Sometime in late June but I won’t find out when until closer to the time” would have been more diplomatic.

Nobody is so supportive of your pregnancy that they want to hear about a baby being born on the date theirs passed.

And this really is the gift that will keep on giving…every year for the rest of her life she’ll be celebrating your child and grieving hers on the same. One of life’s cruel jokes.

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment.

What is AlTA?