AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

I think OP worded that poorly because she’s clarified since that she answered a direct question about her planned dates.

I'd happily take the week before if he would accept giving me a c-section early. I can't physically get to the hospital other than a Friday due to childcare reasons. I again, did not ask to be given this due date, and this pregnancy was not even planned. Not sure what else I can do. I don't want to hurt them purposefully, but I also don't have the village that they do. I haven't told them I need a Friday, I think that's just unnecessary, but she also has the probable chance of having her baby on that day as she is not allowed to go past 40 weeks either.

She is 12 weeks pregnant. I did not tell her I would possibly have my baby on her sons birth date. I said my c-section is between the 22nd-28th, and obviously, her sons birth date is within that week? Not sure what you wanted me to do when she asked me.

I think you’ve handled this very badly. You’re only 12 weeks pregnant and an awful lot can happen in the next 6 months which could mean you give birth in a different week.

I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks I am astounded you did this and think it was incredibly insensitive, the overwhelming likelihood is it will not be that specific day so why on earth would you even bring it up?! Cross that bridge when you come to it surely instead of causing drama over nothing. I am not surprised she’s upset.

By the way it’s relatively common for electives to be scheduled with sensitivity so I would just ask again to avoid X date due to it coinciding with a family loss, I’ve known loads of people be accommodated for similar reasons.

If they’ve previously been supportive it seems very sudden to be going NC over this. It’s a disagreement and they’re being unreasonable. But surely not so
heinous you can’t see or speak to them again? Your family, things like this you just need to work out like normal people do when they have an argument.
Also the idea that you have discussed specific dates with your consultant for your C section at 12 weeks just isn’t plausible (in UK anyway). I would take any discussion you’ve had with a professional about dates with a big pinch of salt for now. Are you sure you’ve actually had those disowns aren’t just worrying about the what ifs?

I told her I would have a c-section from the 22nd-28th. I did not tell her my baby would 'possibly be born on her babies birth date'. So I don't know where that has come from. The only reason she knows my due date is because she asked it. She had been supportive before this, so I did not realize that this would have caused problems.

I've asked and my trust said no. I will upload the screenshots if you don't believe me?

Maybe say, ‘Obviously I will do everything I can to avoid X date.’

They have previously been supportive, for the past year or so. Before this we were NC due to other reasons non-related and only just re-kindled our relationship about 6 months ago.

You have time to sort out the Friday childcare thing OP, village or no village. If you know the date in advance you can sort something else.
Even if you have a fixed C-Section date, you still need a back up childcare plan in case you go into labour early or the section has to be done earlier.

Such needless drama!

In all honesty, at 12 and 11 weeks pregnant, it's very early to be doing more than high level planning for a full term birth for both of you.

Neither of you have any idea how things will pan out. All you know is that you're going to be booked in for an elective CS when the hospital thinks it's best for your baby to be delivered, which will probably be at 38/39 weeks.

Stepping back a bit from your ILs is sensible, going full NC seems a bit disproportionate unless you're happy to lose this friendship and potential mutual support for good.

As an BBC aside from your sil issues, you need to get more childcare lined up because a. You may go into labour earlier than your planned section date, b. They may not be able to do it on a Friday and c. Even if it's a Friday it could end up being late into the day so after nursery has finished. Basically you need to either have people on standby or accept your dp won't be with you

So, you want me to magically form up a village? I have childcare on Fridays everyday, I'm not changing that to accomodate others when I have to think of my baby and my health too? Lol.

OP, in your first post you said "I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020" so that's where that's come from.

Sounds like you're enjoying this macabre drama - go well.

You probably shouldn't have even mentioned dates at all. As it stands it's quite unlikely your CS will be on that specific date, and even if it was, you could just present it as fait accompli after the fact.

So what’s the plan if you go into labour unexpectedly at 37 weeks on a Wednesday?

I wrote it wrong. I told her my due date and then said my C-section would be in the 39th week because I can't birth vaginally. I'm not enjoying the drama. I'm mixed because I want to put my babies health and my health first after you know, we almost died.

Why would I plan for a scenario not likely to happen? If that were to happen I'd be in deep shit because myself and my baby nearly died last time. Hence why they will be keeping an eye out for signs of early labour.

People might possibly notice in future, when the babies birthday turns out to be on that date

The NHS is under a lot of pressure at the moment and will be then, l can see why they might not be able to accommodate specific dates. If they are that bothered they can pay £12k+ for you to have the c section not on the date. If not, they need to hope it’s not that date and stop being so hysterical. It’s just one of those things and might not even happen

It’s come from your opening post! The bit in bold was a direct copy.

You’re getting way ahead of yourself, your baby may very well be born in a different week for all sorts of reasons so there’s really no need to stir up all this angst over something that may well not happen.

It’s definitely worth asking again as another poster has also said it’s a fairly common thing to do. Surely it’s worth a try to potentially spare her feelings as opposed to being obstinate and just saying “I’ve asked and they’ve said no”. Try being a bit more sensitive, sheesh!

It’s a shit situation and I can understand the feelings she is having.

BUT This has potential to cause issues years down the line and how your baby is treated especially at birthdays. Your baby didn’t ask to be born around that date and I wouldn’t allow a weight to be placed round his neck because of it. If you’re super sensitive to it you’ll most likely feed the negative emotions around it.

So I’d raise hell now and go completely overboard, get it all out the way. I’d let family members know how upset and insulted you are. It’s sounds unpleasant but I really would. I would not entertain ANY negative comments or snide remarks from either of them and challenge it - every single time. Be vocal about it. Your not only showing them but other family members too that you won’t let this baby be overshadowed by the death of their baby.

Good luck

At end of the day this baby wasn't even planned and I definitely didn't time the time baby was concieved to correspond with their sons birth date. I'm not a cunt But I also have to consider the fact I don't have a village. My baby and myself almost died and I'm between choosing our health, our personal situation (my in law has a brain tumor and her partner is her carer, I have 3 other kids under 5 and I only have childcare on certain days) and upsetting them. It's not an easy choice when you have full context of everything.

No idea why you mentioned this to her- you’ve handled it poorly.

Of course your baby will be delivered on the best day for him or her and if that’s the day your SIL
lost her baby, that can’t be helped. But it probably won’t be and there was no need to turn this into a fight. It’s obviously upsetting for her.

In your shoes I’d apologise for being insensitive. If by chance it doesn’t happen to be the same day you can address it then, but it probably won’t be.

Well yes, obviously if you go into labour early you would be having an emergency C-Section. But it could happen that you go in for an appointment at 37 weeks on a Wednesday and they spot early signs of labour and keep you in for an emergency section that same day. You will need an emergency childcare plan.
Also even if you’re section is scheduled for a Friday, that doesn’t guarantee you won’t be bumped to Saturday if everything is fine and a bunch of emergencies in the L&D department cause havoc with the scheduling.

I've booked my ELCS today and was able to request a specific date so my DM can look after my DD - that was the reason I gave and they were really understanding and accommodating.

I'd personally avoid the exact date if you can, I understand why SIL would be upset if you chose the exact date - but obviously can't be helped if you have to go for it.