AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

Why should she apologise? SIL explicitly asked the dates = OP told them the answer. OP asked to make a request = hospital declined. OP is in the middle of this, she has little control over SIL (lying wouldn’t have gone down well if it ended up being that date) and no control over the NHS. Or is she being insensitive having sex 9 months before the SIL child’s date of death?!?!

Jesus Christ I would do none of this.

She hasn’t behaved well but I think you could be more empathetic about it all. I would also raise the issue again with the hospital nearer the time and ask for the date to be avoided as it would mean a lot to your family and therefore you.

Dont go NC, leave it for now and keep lines of communication open. It’s a stressful time for all of you.

She is being unreasonable but it seems excessive to go no contact over something like this. The two babies deserve to know their cousins. (I say this as someone who is very low contact with my own SIL for a similarly stupid reason.)

I was going to say, we got to choose both our elective section dates from a few options over a week 😕 but maybe it’s different in different areas…

It’s a deeply upsetting situation for DB and SIL and I do sympathise with them. However they cannot dictate the date the professionals decide for you to give birth. Also June is such a long time away and anything can happen in that time, so please don’t stress about it too much OP. I was due for induction at 37 weeks, so much happened before then that I was told I had to have a c section at 34 weeks!!

Varies depending on the trust. My trust would not let me pick. The date they booked me in for didn’t actually happen in the end, despite me being nil by mouth for 13 hours and in a hospital gown. I had to come back the following day 🙄

It wouldn’t be unusual for your emergency childcare plan to be that your partner has to stay with the older children and you have to give birth with just the medical staff present by the way.

You've been really unreasonable in making such a big deal of this. I was due in the same week as a cousin had a stillbirth, no planned C-section so I was dreading going into labour on the same date. Another relative actually does have the same birthday as that baby, and it's really difficult to navigate. I desperately didn't want to have my baby news be the cause of someone's pain. You're rubbing salt into the wound by also being dramatic about "going NC" instead of "quietly staying away for a few weeks to let it blow over". I'd apologise tbh - say you were trying to get ahead of it but you now see you handled it clumsily and you'll do your best to see if it can be any other date. It sounds like she thought the date had already been set?

No-one would be expected to remember the exact date someone else lost their baby! I can just about remember family birthdays. She is crazy. No-one could plan it even if you did know.

To those of you concerned as to how I spoke to her about it, I did not outright say 'my baby might be born on the date your son was'. I told her my due date and the date my csection would be between without thinking twice about it - which was definitely a bad idea on my part. For those of you addressing 'you have time to find childcare'. My son does not attend a daycare - so I need someone to have him regardless, my middle child attends nursery but can only attend certain days due to the fact they're full (most sought out nursery) and my daughter is in school, they finish at 3.30 so don't have much leeway there. My IL has a brain tumour and her partner is her carer, no way can I expect them to have 3 children, my dad works 60 hour weeks and could possibly take one planned day off, my mum would be the one driving us there (I'm the driver in this scenario) and she does not have a 7 seater car and my grandparents live over 2 hours away. I don't have any other family than that and I am maxed out on days my daughter can attend nursery. Those of you who think childcare isn't a valid reason, fair enough but you also have to think I'm having a ligation & a section, I need to recover from that and last time my scar ripped open, it got infected and took me 4 months to heal from. Coming home on the weekend would give me time off the school and nursery run, so I can have a few days rest, few days to settle down and a few days to establish breastfeeding without running around like a headless chicken (yes my partner could take them, but then I would be left with a toddler and child to run around after and it would not benefit my healing either). The weekend would also allow my children to bond with their sibling for a few days and help us all adjust. I knew from the moment I got pregnant, I wanted the section date to be a Friday, before I even found out my due date (baby was not planned, so didn't have a clue when I would be due, it was more likely to be the 4th of July but clearly my calculation was wrong). I would never actively seek to upset or harm SIL and BIL even if they have done so with us in the past - examples being threatening to physically harm us with my children there (I again, am not an arsehole so I don't think this correlates). To top this all off, I also have to consider the health of myself and my baby - after such a traumatic birth, I want to put my babies health above everything.

I think I did not word my original post right, nor add enough context.

I don’t think anyone is the ‘arsehole’ in this situation. It’s tough having to bury a child, and I would really struggle at the thought of another family member being born on the same day as my child who died. Yet I wouldn’t care about another baby being born on my living child’s birthday.

Equally you can only control what you can control.

For what it’s worth, i was given around 3-4 dates to chose from for my ELCS, this was by my consultant, not mw and wasn’t until a week or so before. Whilst I imagine that it varies by trust, if you do get the option when the time comes, then if you can avoid it being on the same date then I’m sure it will make a huge difference to your SIL’s wellbeing.

I think you're being a bit shit, mostly based on your follow-up answers.
Your health isn't impacted by Thursday vs Friday. Your childcare needs to be sorted out regardless because you can't actually predict you won't go into labour spontaneously.
There was no need to go there with her and you could have certainly deflected in a smarter way.

Both her and your DB are being pathetic.

But I’m wondering if it’s more about you having your baby before hers and she’s feeling like you’re intentionally stealing her thunder.

Will this be her first child? (Not including the baby that died).
Sorry if I’ve missed it.

My 4th her 3rd

No, but for my family it's more appeasible. I want a Friday, don't care which Friday and that's simply because I need the recovery period and I need to be able to establish breastfeeding and Lord forbid I want the weekend to spend recovering. I don't care what Friday it is. Week before, week of or week after. All I know is the hell of a recovery I had last time because I didn't slow down and I don't want that again. My scar came open and it became infected because I didn't get time to establish anything. I don't think it's fair that I'm not allowed to consider my recovery into the fact? When why would I want to share a date that could a) overshadow my child b) overshadow theirs and c) cause tension in the family? I didn't ask to be due this week, I didn't even ask to be pregnant but what is she going to do if she has her baby on that date? Is she an asshole too then?

Were you this inflexible with your previous children? I don’t know how someone can be on their fourth child and think it’s sensible or possible to plan their birth around such a precise schedule.

Just be aware almost everyone wants a Friday for similar reasons you do so there’s no guarantee at all you will get it. Also if there’s emergencies on the day you may well be bumped to the following day or even the Monday after. I’m confused why you think they won’t accommodate for a family bereavement but will accommodate for childcare?

Not sure but they won't. I wasn't even told they'd listen to my preferences. Just that it depended on what my consultant said. I was told I definitely wouldn't get to choose.

Just unsure how I'm wrong for choosing a day that is best for me? Like surely everyone has that right to choose, and I don't understand why I should have to change that day? What if she has her baby on that date? I think it's unnecessary and unfair that I have to think of someone else before my own recovery and what's best for my family. Maybe I'm selfish for that, idk.

With my 2nd and 3rd, my partners parents had them. They can't do that anymore because they discovered a brain tumour and she's had the first half removed, and is having the second half removed on February. Not sure if she's even going to pull through and I can't expect them to have my 3 children when they struggled with the 2 last time, without the brain operations on top. It's not insane that circumstances change over 6 years.

It sounds like she's probably really still struggling and it's coming from that. Anyone who's lost a baby will probably say the same, logic and reason go out the window. I'm not saying she's right, far from it, but she's not being rational either. I reckon as time goes on and her own pregnancy hopefully progresses healthily she'll cool off. Having said that, its not your fault or your problem so have to deal with. If you want to I'd just ask to meet and discuss. Reassure her that pregnancy and birth is unpredictable at it's core and you have no control over due dates and hospital surgery dates and that you don't want to taint your relationship because of something outside of your control. If she's still being nasty that's her loss as you sound very considerate of her feelings. Congratulations OP, don't let it put a dampener on your lovely news x

I get that. I've lost 4. Just not as late gestation as her loss. However I would understand that her baby's health and families circumstances come first so if that date was required, then that's fair enough, personally anyway

"Just unsure how I'm wrong for choosing a day that is best for me? Like surely everyone has that right to choose, and I don't understand why I should have to change that day? What if she has her baby on that date? I think it's unnecessary and unfair that I have to think of someone else before my own recovery and what's best for my family. Maybe I'm selfish for that, idk."

I'm not sure why you started this post because it's clear that you don't give a shit about the upset to your SIL & BIL if the date their baby died works best for you.

How does it affect your recovery if you have the baby on a Thursday? How does it affect the health & wellbeing of you and your baby? You can accommodate a different day, you just don't want to, because you don't care enough or at all about their feelings and you value your own convenience over that. It's your prerogative to do that, but yes I think it indicates that you're a selfish and inconsiderate person.

Yeah absolutely, some people are of course more reasonable than others. So sorry for what you've been through. Just sounds like there's no logic to what SIL is saying so I don't reckon she's thinking straight. Unless this is her norm and always behaves this way.. Otherwise maybe not in the right frame of mind.

I would like to also include we're not entirely close, either. We haven't spoke for 3 years until 6 months ago and that's because they fell out with the in laws. I'm used to picking my family and my health first because we were NC for 3 years due to the fact they were going to attack us in front of my children. Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I'm a bit of an asshole but I'm also a pregnant mum of soon to be 4, with a very limited village, a very concerning maternal history (first I almost needed a blood transfusion, I was a few 100ml off, I ended up passing out after her birth multiple times, second I couldn't walk after and third we both almost died). I didnt plan for this to be my due date and yes I wish I could change it but I can't. I understand her loss (I've had 4) but I'm struggling to put her emotions before my own worry about my baby and my health and my families needs(and wants). I don't even get a choice, I was told my preferences probably won't even be listened to but if I'm offered a Friday, I want to take it. It's ideal for us and I mean this in the absolute kindest and sincerest way I can, but me having my baby will not change the fact that he is gone and it will not change the fact that he was born first, nor will it change the fact he was born, but at some point I have to put my (currently) living baby and myself first. What if I'm rushed in for an emergency on that date? I can't say no if it's going to save myself and my baby?

I'm just upset because I've been getting messages of horrific abuse (being told they're going to come at me, calling me names etc) just for having the 29th as my due date. I'm emotional, I'm hurt and I'm worried about my own pregnancy too.

She has made your pregnancy all about her and completely overshadowed any joy or excitement you might be feeling. Her tragic loss doesn’t make that ok.