A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Such a difficult situation. I didn’t read your orginal post.

I’m assuming the baby isn’t planned. Do you already have children? Want anymore? Or wanted a baby?

It sounds like if you go ahead with the pregnancy it will be on your own. Do you think you could manage? With both your ages there would an increased risk of disability.

Alternatively you end the pregnancy but that will have an impacted on the relationship if it isn’t what you wanted.

Did you ever discuss what would happen if you did end up pregnant?

I am really sorry to hear that OP - it must be very difficult. My only advice is that you make choices that feel right to YOU. Sending strength x

Thank you for your comment. Appreciate it.

it was very much unplanned, I thought I was going through menopause and have endo. I’ve never had children. I cannot cope on my own. I have nothing. No home, no support network. I have to work full time. I think if I keep it it will ruin our relationship as he is already so angry and miserable. He has barely spoken since we found out Tuesday.

It’s so hard.

it’s like to worst situation. One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life, or terminate and have to live with that all on my own forever. Horrendous. I can only blame myself.

Making a baby takes two people. Yes it’s unplanned but you did not do this by yourself. He is being very immature by not speaking to you, this is something for BOTH of you to sort out and discuss.

could you make an appointment with somewhere that deals with terminations (apologises I’m not sure of specific names) but talk to out with someone objective??

please look after yourself and consider your wants/needs x

I wouldn't say it's any more your fault than his!

If you terminate, would the relationship end anyway? You might feel very resentful of him.

If you were going to break up either way, then would you want to keep it.?

Really sorry to hear that OP but you did know this was a realistic possibility and it might come to a choice between being with your partner or being a mum.

We can all have an opinion on which we might personally choose but only you can decide in your own situation. I think you have to accept that he's probably not going to change his mind on this. Sorry.

It is one thing him being upset about the situation (completely reasonable) - it is another thing behaving angry and miserable to the point he has barely spoken to you since Tuesday. He's not sounding much of a partner at the moment.

Aborting may end your relationship anyway, will you be able to forgive and not resent him?

I'm so sorry you are in the situation my heart goes out to you

I am really sorry to hear this @Babybelle81 . You are in a really difficult situation and it’s awful that you can’t talk to your DP about it. If your partner won’t talk to you about it, or even consider your feelings or acknowledge them it seems unlikely that he will come round to the idea. He is being very unfair refusing to discuss it as the pregnancy wasn’t just down to you. He’s essentially avoiding the responsibility for what happens next.

Are you feeling that this is going to become a choice between DP and continuing with the pregnancy? The things I’d think about if it were me would be could I cope alone, especially if the baby was born with additional needs, what support would I have, how would I manage my career and childcare, where would I live? On the other side, if I were to terminate the pregnancy in favour of my relationship would I resent DP? Even if it was clear from the off that you weren’t planning to have children, that isn’t how it has worked out and if he won’t even discuss the situation with you, no matter how much you love him, he is treating you poorly at this point and that might be very difficult to live with going forward. Your feelings for him might be altered after a termination, especially if he is avoiding responsibility for the decision.

I am so sorry that things have worked out this way. I hope that you can come to a decision that you feel happy with and that will work for you. Sending hugs.

I understand that he has been there and done that, but he shouldn't be feeling angry - and definitely not at you. Not speaking to you suggests to me that he is. He needs to start considering how you are feeling about this, especially since you don't have any children of your own.

This isn't your fault. It sounds to me like you want to keep this baby, and you'll regret if you don't. There are many single women who raise kids by tapping on child minders, nurseries etc. I'm not a lawyer but I'm guessing there might be some financial responsibility expected from father of the child even if you leave him.
It's not on you to take the blame, and how much does he love you if he's able to not speak to you, and get angry over something he should have the maturity to deal with.
If you want to have a baby, and have always wanted one, you'll regret terminating for this man. From an outsider standpoint, he doesn't sound like someone who loves you as much as you love him. If I were you, I'd choose the baby.

I’m so sorry OP, what an awful situation.

Unfortunately I suspect it might be the end of your relationship either way, given his reaction. So I guess the question is perhaps being single with a baby or single without one.

Again, huge sympathy for you

How can you love him so much when he's treating you like this in an hour of need? You both made this baby, he's awful to be going on like that

It took me a while to write that and I’ve just read the post where you blame yourself. Absolutely not. This is not just your responsibility. You have both been caught out by an unlucky mistake.

As other's have said it takes two to make a baby so the idea that you are to "blame " is not helpful. In fact the idea of blame in general is not particularly helpful in this situation - I hope that's not a sentiment you are getting from your partner? - because if it is I would be questioning how healthy the dynamics is ...

I saw your original thread.
I don't see how you can terminate and salvage the relationship anyway. He has children, you already gave up on your own dream for him, and when one has begun to grow despite the odds he wants you to get rid.
There are still risks of miscarriage in an early pg, and at your age, so the decision may be taken out of your hands.
I don't think I could forgive him. Yes it's not what he's planned, but that's life.
You would cope better than you think OP, if you do end up going it alone. It's your choice not his.

He can't bury his head in the sand. Only you know how much you want to keep the baby. If you would never forgive him for pressing you to terminate, then your relationship will be doomed either way. It's probably true to say you might not easily have another pregnancy. If you had the baby he would have to pay towards it's upkeep. He has a responsibility to it the same as you do.
I hope you find the right thing to do x

I think your relationship is almost certainly finished whichever way you go OP, so as hard as you might find it right now, I wouldn't factor the potential for an ongoing relationship into your decision making.

So the question is, do you want the chance to have a baby of your own? Because if you do, at the age you are, this could well be your only chance to do so. All the practical things will work themselves out. You work and he would have to pay you maintenance, for example.

Just make sure you don't find yourself in the worst of both worlds, and terminate a child you would have wanted for the sake of a relationship that is still doomed to fail.

The love of your life who is making you suffer alone in a situation he is 50% responsible for having created? Where was the vasectomy? If he was so certain any pregnancy would have to end in his life partner undergoing a termination, why didn’t he take a little of that burden on himself?

He’s got kids. He could be dead in ten years. But you’ve to give up that chance to be a mum because he said ‘no more kids’ despite taking no steps whatsoever to prevent their creation. Riiiight. I’d be finding him pretty gross right now.

Sorry you've only been together for 5 years? That's small change in relationship terms, anything could happen. He might be the love of your life just now, but that's because you haven't met your baby yet.

I read your original post OP and am sorry he's taking it so badly. I remember he seemed more worried about what his DD would think than about the actual situation, although maybe becoming a father again at 60 has now sunken in? I echo what others have said though - it takes TWO to make a baby and this unplanned pregnancy is every bit as much his fault as it's yours. If he was so adamant that he doesn't want another DC, why the hell was he having unprotected sex with a 43-year-old woman who is still having periods? Many, many women your age get pregnant every year and always have done. It's not rocket science!!

As for you and your awful dilemma, I think I would seek out, as a matter of urgency, some completely unbiased pregnancy counselling to help you decide what to do. Statistically, with such a big age gap to your DP, you will face many years alone after he is gone, so will you spend those years yearning for the DC you didn't have, just to please him? Men, on average, die 9 years before women, and he's 17 years older than you, so I'm going to let you do the maths on that, but it's something else for you to ponder.

Sorry that sounds like I'm pressuring you to keep the baby, but all your posts on both threads make it clear that's what you want!

So much to unpack, sorry you are going through this. So presumably you want to have the baby or else you wouldn’t be in such a dilemma. When you say he hasn’t spoken since he found out, do you mean he doesn’t whether you want keep the baby or not, he’s just gone silent? Because if so, you could be thinking of terminating and he wouldn’t know - and he’s not there for you for that. That’s not a loving, caring, supportive partner. That’s someone who will not step up and stand by you, and I would be assuming that could happen in other scenarios too (illness for example), I don’t think that sort of relationship could survive, if it was me. So you’re left with how you proceed alone if you decide you wish to keep the baby. And that will be a different thread, and you would get lots of support and help here should that be your decision.
(You’ll get support and help here, whatever your decision x)

Honestly OP I think you need to accept that the relationship is over anyway, whether it is you or him that says the words, I don’t think the relationship will or can recover from an abortion you didn’t want. So at that point your only decision is whether you want this baby or not, it’s a difficult decision but one I really think you should take the time to think about fully.