A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

If you have an abortion, you will end up hating him. Time for big girl pants and going alone. You will be fine xx

It is early days. He may or may not come around. It sounds like you want to keep the baby. Do what best for you.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP but I agree with others that the relationship is probably over either way?

What happens if you decide to terminate? Will he be there to support you? Look after you? Or will he just pretend it isn't happening?

What then? Will he just snap back into "normal" once you've had the termination and carry on as though it never happened? Can you live like that?

Whether or not you decide to terminate is completely your decision and only you can decide what's best for you. But in my honest opinion I genuinely can't see that terminating will save this relationship. The way he is acting right now is so cruel and callous that I don't think I could forgive him for it.

If he was truly a wonderful man and if he really, really loved you, he wouldn’t be torturing you now with the silent treatment. He’d be accepting that it takes two to make a baby and trying to find a way forward. He’s effectively bullying you into a termination by mistreating you, and I suspect it’s not the first scenario where he’s emotionally coerced you into bending to his will. I know what I’m saying is harsh but I would hate for you to miss out on becoming a mother because you think he’s such a good man and you should choose him and the relationship over the baby. A good man wouldn’t make you choose.

If you terminate for a man how do you know you will stay together anyway?

You were so excited in your first post, OP, and it was clear you wanted your baby!

He’s also responsible for you being pregnant and him giving you the silent treatment and sulking doesn’t sound like a man I could respect or even like, never mind love. Very immature, selfish behaviour

You are stronger than you feel (have been conditioned to feel?) and you can certainly live well and keep your baby without this manchild to look after as well, if it comes to that.

Best wishes xx

There is no backwards only forwards, the relationship you had has gone now and there are two potential futures. One with a baby and one without. Which one do you think you would regret the least?

If it were me I’d get my ducks in a row, find support and housing options and prepare to go it alone. Because I wouldn’t be able to move past his selfishness. You need to decide if you can. Sending hugs OP it’s not nice or easy, I’m sorry your going through it alone x

Whatever you choose you will never forgive him.

Don't make your decision based on him.

If he was so adamant he didn't want any, he should have had a Vasectomy! Since he didn't have a vasectomy, he actively planned on having children. He is gaslighting you and that silence is emotional abuse. He sound abusive and a horrible lazy man who refuses to take responsibility for his own contraception, so I think you'd split eventually anyway. He's not worth it and you can do so much better than this abusive lazy man. Have your child. They will be the one constant in your life, this 'man', is garbage, and won't be.

And you don't love him, you love an idea of him you had in his head that was never the real him. Abusive men often show their colours around the time their partner gets pregnant. The version of him you thought you loved, never actually existed at all.

I agree with this. I read the previous thread.

I would end up hating him. You can definitely do it without him, and he may change his mind once baby arrives (but obviously don’t count on that)

Oh OP, I read your earlier post. The thing is, if you do decide to terminate, things aren't going to go back to the way they were before anyway, the only way that could happen is if you were both totally on board with the termination and he was supportive and kind to you, which doesn't seem to be the case.

Either way, your relationship has completely changed, so you need to make the right decision just for you, if you decide to keep the baby, there's no denying that it'll be tricky, but you absolutely can do it.

I’m sure it’s very difficult. Fwiw, I can totally understand your partner not wanting this baby. Who would at his age?

Sounds like you want to keep it, so you need to accept if the pregnancy progresses, (and sadly the odds are not great at your age) you’ll be on your own.

The relationship is clearly over. It's hardly surprising that he doesn't want to start over again at his age. He's done it before, he knows how hard it will be.
You have to decide now if you want to be a single parent. I don't think there is any scenario in which a 60 year old man will be excited to have a new baby unfortunately.

Are you really sure you want this massive disruption to your life at this stage? He's been honest about not wanting to go back to all that from the outset - for good reason! We have less energy when older, ready to relax more, have downtime, build careers, move towards the next stage. Older Mums are often quite isolated from other Mums at gatherings and assumed to be grannies frequently. Lack of sleep, endless loads of washing, tantrums, doctors visits, pre-school, playschool, bullying, the challenges ahead are endless and very hard to face alone. It's not all cute baby giggles and magical moments.

He is not the love of your life, I promise you.

You may love him, but he clearly doesn’t feel the same if he’s prepared to treat you like this.

It’s one thing to be upset and to have an adult conversation over how to proceed (or not to proceed) with a pregnancy which wasn’t planned, it’s quite another to give someone the silent treatment in order to coerce them into making a decision which the other person wants.

You talk about “a baby I never thought I’d have” I’m guessing from that that you did want children but had resigned yourself to not having one.

Well looks like nature has made that decision for you doesn’t it. So let’s say for argument that he was over the moon about the pregnancy, or even accepting of it, would you keep the baby then?

If so then you have your answer.

I won’t lie, being a single parent isn’t going to be easy. But thousands of people manage to do it. So if you really don’t want a termination, then don’t have one.

It might happen that he comes round, accepts the pregnancy, and the baby and is a decent father after all this. If he doesn’t then the relationship was never likely to last, because the next time he doesn’t agree with you on something you’ll just end up with the silent treatment again. And that’s no way to live.

So in essence, a relationship could potentially come through this.

A termination can never be undone.

It is very hard for a relationship to recover from this in either case.

1. you keep the baby and he stays angry (blaming you - but as others have said he if really didn’t want a baby he could have had the snip, making a baby takes 2). The relationship is stained and might fail

2. you abort the baby, he is happy but you are not, the relationship is strained and might fail.

You have to decide how you want to go it alone as it is a very distinct possibility regardless of what you decide,

Do what is right for you.
You have said you want the baby, that is therefore right for you.
Many women make excellent single parents.
He's not the love of your life if he's sulking and not supporting you. He's only supportive if he's getting his own way
If he didn't want more more children he had options including having a vasectomy. So he's irresponsible.
I think the relationship is over no matter what, I don't think you could be happy with man who can't step up when needed.
I wish you well.

All this.

It's a very sad situation.

Unfortunately I think it's likely you'd be losing the love of your life anyway, as the likelihood of your relationship surviving after he's taken away your only chance of motherhood is tiny. If it does, it won't be the same again.

The choice is likely more between being single and beyond being single with a baby.

Motherhood is hard, but it's also amazing and not something I'd give up (especially when he's had the chance of being a parent but wants to deny it to you).

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but there's no easy or positive solution I can see, so I'm going to concentrate on the baby. You're 43 and apparently have no stability, no home, no resources and no friends. If your relationship with the baby's father breaks down what kind of situation will you be bringing a baby into? Most children seem to thrive best with an involved, loving parent and stability in their lives. Is that something you can offer?

I have a number of friends who've raised a child single-handed. I don't think any of them found it easy and they had more support than you appear to have.

5 years is not that long relationshipwise. Is that the first time you both have had to deal with a difficulty/challenge? It looks like he's put his head in the sand. Personally, I would not take any decisions right now and wait it out till the 1st scan at 12 weeks and see how things go from there. You might also want to consult a specialist/do a private scan, because at your age there is a higher risk of complications and you might need some medication/therapy. I know it's difficult, but please try not to worry about your finances at the moment. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, the help and support will be there for you. And like many people on this thread have said, your DP could be dead in 10 years, but your child will be your child forever. Fingers crossed, wish you all the best.

@Babybelle81 you say he's the love of your life but given that he's much older than you, he is likely to pass away before you do, possibly in the next 10-20 years. Imagine him gone and you have no child.

Sorry to be harsh but it doesn't sound like you are the love of his life. If you were, he'd be trying to find a way through this to make it work.

I think it's the French who have a saying 'there are those who love and those who allow themselves to be loved'. He definitely falls into the second category.

You need to face some hard truths about the character of a man who would abandon the woman he allegedly loves because he got her pregnant. Think about that.

This child is a miracle. Don't throw away miracles for someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them.

If he was that dead set against ever having any more children then why didn't he have a vasectomy?

If he was truly a wonderful man and if he really, really loved you, he wouldn’t be torturing you now with the silent treatment. He’d be accepting that it takes two to make a baby and trying to find a way forward. He’s effectively bullying you into a termination by mistreating you

This is all you need to know OP. Do not ignore this.

in your head, not in his head.

His behaviour is despicable.

I think you should choose your baby and yourself.

How far along are you? Sorry to say but you can't be sure this will last until past 12 weeks or more. Whatever happens doesn't change him being horrible and you being inferior in rights and consideration in this relationship.