A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Your options are very limited. Unfortunately I think your relationship is going to come to an end whichever choice you make.

I think you need to accept that, even if someone compromises. Also accept though, that it's no one's fault as he was honest from the outset.

I remember your other thread. Part of the issue is his adult daughter, right ?

I thought he may come round but it’s really disturbing that he isn’t being supportive especially as he’s 50% responsible

if you go ahead and have a termination, I suspect your relationship will not survive due to the resentment you hold towards him

if you don’t, again it might not survive but there is still a chance he will come round and support you, whether you remain a couple or not.

This. Your relationship has changed irrevocably now. If he had handled the news better, and you still decided to abort that would be one thing, but he is being cruel.

I firmly believe that he was selfish to enter a relationship with you anyway, with the age gap and your relationship with his daughter. Selfish to you, depriving you of a chance of motherhood, not being far off having an aging partner, and losing your beat friend. And selfish to his daughter as well, who must have been horrified.

That choice on his part, combined with his behaviour now, speaks of a selfish, immature man not worthy or being called the love of your life. At least he was honest about who he was I guess.

So,omg term you will be single/not with him anyway. Will you have a baby or not? That's up to you.

He's being incredibly unfair. I read your original post, and he knew, as did you, there was no form of birth control being used. He is avoiding taking any sort of responsibility and in doing so, is abandoning you in a moment when you need his support. I'm really sorry, op but it sounds to me like your relationship might not recover from this (his treatment of you during this difficult time, not the baby).

I really would advise you to leave him out of the decision for now and focus on what YOU want, and if you want the baby if you can picture raising baby alone. I'm not sure I could forgive my husband for emotionally shutting me off and leaving me alone to deal with it if we ever found ourselves in this situation

OP, this is a horrible situation to be in but I would agree with others - it would not get better even if you terminate. He shown himself to be a shit partner and very inconsiderate, and, since you are dithering over this I can imagine you are not entirely against being a mum. You yourself need to be absolutely clear about what you want as you will have to live with it - either with or without a child. I would say you and your DP are not going to stay together long after this, sorry - and there is nothing you can do about it.

I would just say that, while being a mum is absolutely wonderful and rewarding, its also very vey hard, especially if you are single and not very young. But, it is doable, even if you work FT - but would require a lot of sacrifices. So you need a lot of thinking here, maybe look at it from a practical perspective. Terminating is an option, and you should not feel bad about it, but make sure you are at piece with it and not doing it out of desperation to keep your DP.

And your posts scream “he is miserable”, “he is this”, “he is that now”, “its me making him so unhappy”….this is so wrong

IIRC from your last thread you weren’t using contraception because you thought your age meant menopause?

did he know this? What were the arrangements regarding contraception? if you’ve had a frank discussion and you agreed to the responsibility, then I can see why he’s upset.

it sounds like your relationship is done regardless. If you terminate when you aren’t 100% on board you will hate him. He will hate you for “trapping” him into pregnancy.

if you want the baby go ahead. He may come round in time. If you terminate I reckon you’re done anyway, so focus on what you want wrt the pregnancy.

Sorry, I also just wanted to say….

This is absolutely not just your fault. I’d quite like a third, not desperately, but would quite like one.

My DH is super careful with regards to protection as he definitely doesn’t want another and he knows I wouldn’t terminate if an accident happened and he wouldnt want to put us in the situation you are both now in. That is how your DH should be behaving, not laying the blame at your feet!

Hi OP.
You can blame him, too.

If he didn't want a baby he should have used condoms.

I wonder what else is going on here. Did you have a previous relationship which ended badly? Have you felt unlucky with men? I hope you get the support you need.

Hi OP, I read your last thread carefully.
With absolutely no intention to start any arguments, I stand by my advice to you.
I often get bashed for coming here and daring to enjoy being child free.
My husband of 20 years is also significantly older and I have ZERO regrets for putting myself first in life and choosing him over offspring. Happy life.
Best of luck. 🍀

I agree. Also, if he was so certain he didn't want more children, he should have had a vasectomy.

Btw to not even discuss it with you, he’s being a petulant child. Some partners out there would be willing to talk through the situation even if they really didn’t want the baby. His whole attitude would make me question the relationship tbh regardless of the baby

Just addressing the utter rubbish about “older mums”. I had my now 18yo DS at 43 - never once did I get mistakes for his grandmother, and late 30s/early 40s was a perfectly normal age to have a baby where I am. I was certainly never shunned at gatherings because other women sized me up and judged me to be too old to bother with. 😂 What the hell kind of gatherings do you go to if they do that??

@Babybelle81 has a difficult choice, let’s not make it any harder with ridiculous hyperbole.

Speaking from experience, you make the choice you want too. Because ultimately you could terminate for his choices, he could then up and leave months later and you may be left regretting the choices you made for him and not for yourself.

You do you x

If you keep the baby, your relationship will probably be over. Maybe not, but......

And if you have an abortion, your relationship will definitely be over. You'll never get over it, and you'll despise him for insisting on it.

I know which I'd choose.

It’s about time he grew up and started acting like a 60 year old as appose to a 16 year old.

It's a terrible situation - that's half his responsibility.

What stands out to me in your post, OP, is how bad his reaction is to this. He doesn't sound at all supportive and I think you're probably seeing another side to him now...

I think this pregnancy has already driven the start of a wedge between you, and if you were to concede to his wishes, that wedge wouldn't necessarily disappear. Resentment could continue to build in one or both of you.

I think you ought to ask yourself how much you want this baby (not how much you love your partner because that can easily change).

“ I think if I keep it it will ruin our relationship as he is already so angry and miserable. He has barely spoken since we found out Tuesday.”

I fear it may ruin your relationship either way - if you end the pregnancy, will you be able to live with him, after he has made you do this? Will you be able to live with yourself? If you keep it, do you think he will come round, or do you think he would actually leave? He’s not at all being a supportive partner - surely he can see the turmoil you’re going through? It’s not for me to say what you should do - but you have to be sure that you can live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. I really feel for you.

It's not about her being an older mum. It's a completely different issue.
I've no idea why people still harp on about that! It's a massive misunderstanding.

‘The love of your life’ wouldn’t behave like this, if he were truly that op. How are you going to feel if you terminate your last chance of a baby and leaves you anyway?

I would book couples counselling and take all the right vitamins like folic acid whilst you decide. You will never be homeless with a newborn in this country. So please don’t worry about that.

No.
I hardly EVER take a man's side here.
However, he's got no growing up to do.
He was clear he didn't want any more children and this is his choice in life.
Yes I get the vasectomy thing, my husband had it done forty years ago.
It's unfair to saddle him with another, unplanned life.

In a years time you will be
1.on your own with a baby
2.on your own
3.with your dp
4.with your dp with a baby

ideally it’ll be 4. However if you terminate it could never be no 4. If you have the baby it keeps more doors open. Option 1 is better than option 2/3 but I think you need to accept & plan for option 1 but aim for option 4.

A few days is not a long time. Ar the moment he can still pressure you to terminate and I see he is trying that option, hoping you will cave and do what he wants.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation for you. There is no ideal solution. Either way, one of you is going to be unhappy, initially at least.

Presumably he knows that you agreed to his wish not to have more children and haven’t got pregnant on purpose, but the situation has changed, it has happened anyway and he needs to get to grips with the new situation.

You could try writing him a letter explaining how you feel. I think you said before that he has a very close relationship with his daughter - has he realised that he is wanting to deny you the chance of ever having a similar relationship? I also think you said he is a lot older than you - has he thought about what your life will be like in say 20 years' time?

Would he go with you to a counsellor who could talk the issue through dispassionately with both of you? Sometimes it’s easier to hear things from a stranger.