A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I think the love of your life is not so lovely in real life.
It takes 2 to make a baby & if he didn’t want another child he should have had a vasectomy.
You say you’ve given up a lot for this relationship. Just be sure in your heart that this chance of motherhood is something you would give up by choice not fear or pressure.

I’m so sorry @Babybelle81. I read your last thread and hoped it would come to a happy ending.

This is not a situation you need to take all the blame for. Having had children himself he knows how they are made.
That he is angry and sulking is pathetic.

I would also query whether he is the love of your life - I don’t think anyone would expect to be treated like this by the love of their life.

I would assume your relationship is done regardless of the choice you make - if you terminate for him, he’ll still resent you for being sad about it and any guilt he will feel.

I don’t have children so have no skin in the game, but I would bet that if you chose single parenthood, it would have a more fulfilling outcome for you than staying with a man who is treating you so shabbily at a time when you need support and care, not sulking. That’s who he is when things get rough or go a way he doesn’t like. That’s not love of life material.

I read your thread OP and was sad you had a hard time on there.

You've got 2 awful choices. Keep the baby and lose your DP. Or lose the baby and keep your DP. It boils down to which is the easiest to live with although both have equally heartbreaking consequences.

I would try and find some pregnancy counselling so you can talk this through with a professional.

It sounds very hard OP
The problem is that if you terminate because you feel you have no choice then that will damage the relationship anyway.

can you source some counselling for yourself to consider your options?

please also get all the antenatal tests done as due to your age there is obviously risk there and you need to have all the information to make a decision.

I would be angry at him being angry. If he wasn't using a condom every time and you're under 55 there is always a chance.
If he really didn't want children, why didn't he take it into his own hands and get a vasectomy.
Will you ever see him in the same way again when he's treated you like this at a difficult time. Would you ever forgive him if he forced you into an unwanted abortion.
Only terminate if you really don't feel you want to go through the pregnancy yourself. Try to take him out of the picture while you work this out independently.

Your relationship will likely not survive either way so take him out of the occasion and then decide what you want to do . Fwiw how can you say he’s the love of your life when he’s behaving so badly , it takes 2 to make a baby .

I would too. For me the relationship would already be over because of his anger and sulking. If he didn’t want any more kids he should have had a vasectomy.

This, OP.

He’s shown you who he is. The man who is “your world” is cruel, manipulative and selfish.

You are clearly not “his world”

sorry to be so blunt, OP but your last chance to be a mother is hanging by a thread, because of this “wonderful” man.

Whatever you do though OP, remember that a positive pregnancy test is not a definite baby. For women aged 40-44 the rate of miscarriage is 34%, so you have a 1/3 chance of miscarrying. That's a pretty high chance.

Getting with your daughter's best mate, wood nearly 20 yrs younger, is pretty inappropriate and creepy in the first place.

I'm not sure why you "love" him so much and put him on a pedestal.

I'm not meaning to be offensive op but you sound like you have long standing issues you need to sort out before you make any decisions.

I don’t think the love of your life would treat you like tbh. He had the chance to have a vasectomy. He didn’t take it. There was always a risk, even a small one.

the fact is you think you won’t cope but you will. things always fall into place. It wouldn’t be easy but you I am sure everyone here believes in you. Don’t rush anything and take decisions one day at a time. You are still very early and have time to think things through before you ultimately decide what is best.

I'm sorry to hear this update. I did wonder how you were.
I think you need to speak to your GP and start to get counselling. There's a lot going on here, but you ought not to feel so alone and unsupported.

I read your original post, OP, I am so sorry.

It is not your fault, it takes two, please do not blame yourself. It sounds like the relationship will be altered whatever you decide, but it is YOUR decision. You could
live with a breakup, can you live with a termination? And would a baby not then be the new love of your life. Even if your partner wanted the baby, the relationship would change regardless.

Gingerbread can give you advice about solo parenting, should you need it. I remember when I went to a hypnobirthing class there was a single mum there and EVERYONE made a point to talk to her, more so then they did with other parents, you will find support networks that way through antenatal/mum and baby groups. The midwives would be aware of your situation and your mental health will be their priority, they will also signpost.

Whether he likes it or not your partner will have a responsibility, even if just financial. You will find a way to make it work even if it feels insurmountable now.

sending so much love to you whatever you do

I think your relationship is irreparably damaged. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be punishing you for a situation he was 50 per cent responsible for. I don't think terminating will do anything, it won't save the relationship as you'll be expected to go back to how it was and the fact is OP, your excitement is palpable so I don't think you'll come out unscathed, resenting him at the very least.

FWIW I'm very much pro choice, but this sounds like you're being punished until you terminate.

If this were me, and I had wanted to have a baby, I would end the relationship, very sadly, and keep the baby. The relationship is dying anyway.
Tell your child that you loved their father and he loved you, but it didn't work out. I don't blame him for not wanting a baby at 60, but this is likely your only chance to be a mother.

You can be a single parent. At 43 you must have some solvency. Millions of women manage it, so can you.

He's angry and miserable because of a new life he has created? Wow, I don't think your relationship can survive, even if you have an abortion, you won't forgive or forget over time, and your whole relationship will be soured. He shouldn't be your 'whole world' anyway. Women who make this mistake end up being hurt, just as you are now, because you are reliant on how he reacts to things.

I am very much pro life and think it would be very, very sad if you had an abortion only to later break up with this man, or even if you don't break up, you will have missed out on a wonderful, life-changing experience which you have already said you'd quite like to have.

I think you are in a really difficult situation as you said in your previous thread that you’ve always wanted a baby but had resigned yourself to not having one. I’m not sure any relationship can survive an unwanted termination. So it sounds as though unless he comes round to the idea of wanting this baby then the relationship is doomed whether you have the baby or not.

You say you can’t cope alone. I just wanted to say that I used to feel a bit like that. My husband was my world (still is but to a lesser degree). But then I had my first baby and everything shifted. She became my world. I knew from the moment I had her that this was the bond and relationship that would never break and it’s her I could never be without.

Having a child can put all other relationships into perspective.

He doesn't sound that nice if he's leaving you on your own with this. Either way I think this relationship is probably over. Even if the pregnancy naturally ended, could you ever forget that instead of speaking to you he just left you with the silent treatment?

That is a good point actually, OP you might not have support networks now but you do build up a variety of new networks just by virtue of having the baby. Starts at antenatel but then primary school etc.

@Babybelle81

I'm currently doing it on my own. My son's father doesn't want anything to do with us. Apply for social housing, universal credit, keep the baby and get child maintenance. Sod your partner, he's acting like a sulky child. I also live far away from my family, and I had to move to a different town when I got my housing association flat so lost my support network in my old town. Yes I loved my ex, but he's not my child, and now I have my little boy I wouldn't change that for the world.

Also, you can absolutely be a single parent.

I am sorry but your relationship doesnt sound healthy…you rely on him so much and looks like you would sell your own soul if thats what he wants…you are in this situation and since Tuesday he is not willing to have a grown up talk and just ignore, be quiet and let you do whatever? This is horrible and not how happy, respectful relationship should look like..

Something else worth thinking about is due to the age difference he is not going to be around for you when you get old. There's no guarantee your child will be either, but at least there is a change there. You won't be spending the rest of your life with him.

My opinion:

He's not the love of your life. I'm sorry to write this, but he's just not. The love of your life would support you and help you. He wouldn't make you feel bad or make you doubt his love and dedication to you.

In your threads I see you struggling between choosing your baby or the love of your life which you both want, but he is clearly not the love of your life, you just can't see it now. Choose your baby.

I wish you all the best. You will get through this and have a happy life with your baby!

Husband who has a very close relationship with a daughter and is worried about how she will react or baby that you really want.

I doubt you'll ever forgive him if you have an abortion you dont really want. There are nurseries and nannies if you have to raise the baby without him. You will make mum friends.

Honestly dont know why anyone can say they love so much a man who is so uninterested in their own wishes he wont discuss them.