A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Op, if you have wanted a baby, & now you have the chance, and you really do want them, I would try your hardest to keep. Do you have no family who can help? Friends?

Im really sorry OP but this. He may be the love of your life but his actions are showing you that heartbreakingly you’re not the love of his. We don’t shun people we love in times of hardship especially when the responsibility is half his to bear. If he didn’t want anymore children then he shouldn’t be having sex with a woman of childbearing years regardless of how slim the chances are. He knew what could happen and now that it has he is acting disgracefully with utter contempt for the woman who is supposed to be the love of his life. I couldn’t respect a man who treated me like this and without respect the love is futile.

This baby could be the making of your life and you will figure out the finer details along the way. Plenty of people have babies with no family support or financial plan behind them and have done for many years. It’s not ideal but it’s doable. Don’t let him manipulate you into making a horrible decision that you could regret for the rest of your life. Don’t let him steal this chance of joy from you. If any part of you wants this baby then don’t give it up. Five years is no amount of time to lose on an ignorant, selfish man in comparison to the rest of your life and the entire life of your child.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.

If your partner didn't want children then HE should have got a vasectomie.
It takes 2 to get pregnant.
He might be the love of your life but by the sound of this you are not his.

Please see if you can chat to someone as either way the relationship will be over.
If you get a termination it will always be in the back of your mind and if you have the baby he will resent you and the child. Do you want to live with someone who would make the child miserable.

I remember your last thread.

I'm so sorry this man hasn't stepped up.

I hate to say this but he's not the love of your life. If he was, he'd make the best of what has happened. He's not being supportive which he should be.

As everyone said before, he took a risk - you're just 43- so if he was so sure he didn't want a child, he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms every time. As a couple you should both have known that being in peri isn't a contraceptive.

But what's done is done.

You're not in such a bad situation as you think.
You're a teacher. You can take a year's maternity leave. He will have to pay maintenance, like it or not.
When you go back to work, your can send your baby to nursery and longer term you will have all school holidays free .

If you keep your baby, maybe in time he will come round to being involved, even if you're living apart.

His age? Well, in my small circle of friends and family, I've know 3 men who were 13 when their fathers died (one dad was 50, the others were late 30s.) In addition to those, my own dad's father died when my dad was 8.My Mum's when she was 17.

Being a 'younger' father doesn't always mean you live to your 80s.

If you really want this baby, keep it.

Please be kind to yourself, you haven’t caused this, it was just human biology. Try and stay pragmatic, if you can, see a doctor for a private scan. I had one, it cost around £200. All it showed is whether the pregnancy is viable ie if there is a heartbeat. I mean this gently, and from experience, but pregnancy loss at age 40+ is sadly common and sometimes asymptomatic. An early scan can date the pregnancy and let you know if there is a heartbeat, which improves the chances of a viable pregnancy.
This can help you weigh up your options.
If you do have a termination or become a single parent, both are do-able. Some support in real life (outside your relationship) would be helpful. You’d might be surprised how many acquaintances can really step up if/when you need to lean on them.
As others have said, your partner has not been willing to support you through this difficult choice, that is his failing, not yours. This might well affect how your relationship evolves beyond this, whichever choice you make.

Two things.

Firstly, the miscarriage rate is sadly high in your age group, most often in the first 12 weeks. A poster above said around a third of pregnancies at your age end in a miscarriage, that sounds about accurate although I haven't checked the numbers.

Until you've had a 12 week scan confirming a viable pregnancy, I would not make any definite decisions about having a baby. Having an earlier "reassurance scan" (often privately) can provide partial reassurance, although you would still need to have a 12 week scan to confirm the pregnancy is ongoing. You can miscarry without having bleeding and you can have a non-viable pregnancy and still have ongoing pregnancy symptoms.

Secondly, lots of relationships end in separation. Even good relationships, even "love of my life" relationships. People change, situations change. I think the divorce rate is almost 50%, the rate of separations in unmarried couples is higher than married couples, and subsequent marriages are more likely to separate than first. So I'd estimate there is at least a 50% chance of your relationship ending at some point, maybe higher. Don't terminate your pregnancy solely because of your partner's wishes, your relationship may end at some point anyway.

So there is a lot of uncertainty at this stage. You may or may not have a viable pregnancy, but sadly you have no control over that. If you terminate, you may or may not be with your partner in 5 years. That you have control over the decision about whether to terminate or not.

Make your decision NOT assuming your relationship will continue. If your relationship ended, would you rather be a single parent, or not be a parent? Not a straightforward decision, but I'd try and focus on this.

OP I’m so sorry, I remember your original thread very well including his focus on his daughter.
only you know which will be the bigger regret. But I agree with op’s that the relationship may be different now anyway, he has been very unsupportive and, imo, selfish.

I read your previous thread and saw that you commented saying you felt excited about this pregnancy. I do strongly advise you to think about what you want because this relationship may end even if you were to terminate and it also seems that you are only considering termination for him and not because it's what you truly want to do. In the kindest way, you really need to not make this man your entire world and you need to find some independence of your own. You say you work full time so I assume you could find somewhere to live on your own (I appreciate it's harder on one income but many people do it when they have no choice), you could maybe move somewhere closer to family so you have more support around you. I can't help but feel that if this man really loved you he would be making sure you are OK and taking your wants and needs into consideration and not just thinking of himself and blanking you all week! You can and would get though it on your own you just need to believe that! I can understand it isn't ideal for him being an older dad after so long but he's an adult who needs to take responsibility for his actions. Do what is best for YOU.

@Babybelle81 the love of your life would not be treating you this way, and should have been equal in family planning if he was so adamant that he wanted no more children.

You have the opportunity to have the true love of your life - your child.

I know what I’d be doing. Having a child on your own does not mean you’ll never find friends and future partners - believe me.

Firstly, I had an unexpected pregnancy at 40 and didn't experience any of this. In fact the baby years were a breeze. Im happy that I had a child when i was older, that id had some great years of partying and travel when i was younger and that my career was already well established and progression unhindered by mat leave. I definitely didn't feel isolated by other mums at all and built some lovely, long-lasting friendships. It's really not uncommon to be a late 30s/early 40s mum. Dd is 14 now and is just an absolute joy. I can't imagine my life without her so don't worry about any if this, you can do it if it's what you want.

I think you do need to come to terms with the fact your relationship is over. It's in hard times that you really see what a person is like. Your DP has shown himself and what he is is selfish, uncaring and unreliable. Someone who does not care about your welfare. It's fine that he doesn't want a baby at 60 but he should have used condoms or had a vasectomy. To be angry at you is unforgivable. It sounds like he's going to give you the silent treatment until you crack and have an abortion. He is not a good man. You should be able to have an honest discussion about all of this, the situation is not your fault. I hope you can find the strength to choose what is right for you. Can you move back and stay with family a bit, get some space?

I’m so sorry OP but if this is the way he’s behaving then he’s not the man you think he is. He is not there for you and not talking to you is emotional abuse imo.

Think long and hard about who he really is

As others have said- this man has shown his true colours.

Your relationship is effectively over.

You'll never feel the same about him if you have a termination.

So your choice is to be single, with or without a child.

He needs to get the snip or you could be having this conversation again next year with another pregnancy. For someone who is so vehement why on earth hasn’t he already had it?

I love him very very much, he really is my world

I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life

I love him very very much, he really is my world.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't feel the same way if he knows how much you want this baby yet is pressuring you into a termination. You wouldn't ask that of the love of your life, a person who is your whole world.

Is the chance to be a mother to this baby worth giving up for a man who doesn't seem to care about you in the way that you care about him?

I think like other posters, I would gently suggest that your relationship is over. I would resent and actively dislike a man who behaved in this way. He has had his children and whilst I can see why he isn't keen on anymore you haven't had a child and now have this chance. This could be a beautiful and joyous thing and he won't even talk to you about it? That's shabby and rather childish. Many, many women bring up children themselves including women who are in relationships but whom do it all themselves anyway. It's not impossible. Perhaps he isn't actually the love of your life. He was great when it was all going well but he has failed to step up in difficult circumstances. Love,true love is facing shit circumstances together, drawing upon each other for strength and hope. The baby is as much his responsibility as yours and rather than sulking he needs to actually behave like an adult.

Poor thing. Can you get some counseling to decide what to do?

I'm truly sorry to hear your situation. There is no right answer, you have to do what feels right for you.

I can understand him not wanting children, but I am concerned about your comments that he is your world and you couldn't survive without him, that feels like a very dependent situation to be in, with or without a baby. I agree with the comments above, it's a shared problem you need to face together, not yours to deal with alone.

60 is not that old these days - is being a father really out of the question for him? And yes at 43 there are increased risks for you/the baby but again not that uncommon these days.

And what about your feelings - if he was supportive, would you want to be a Mum? If you terminate the pregnancy and it is not what you want, how will that affect your relationship?

Of course if you don't want a baby, and he doesn't either, that makes the decision somewhat easier. I definitely think some counselling, both alone and together, would be a good idea here. Best of luck.

You can go to the council for temporary accommodation and eventually you will get a council property.you will be able to claim benefits to support yourself
You don't have to stay with him

I’m so sorry OP. How would you feel if you terminated the pregnancy and then split up anyway? I agree with PP that it would be difficult to recover the relationship after an abortion you didn’t want. If nature intervened, and you lost the baby to a miscarriage, how would you feel about the relationship? It’s an impossible position and I truly feel for you.

Edited to say I read your original thread.

Sometimes we are unable to make a decision because we don't have enough information yet. Maybe today's decision is not to decide yet.

Someone who truely loved you would be by your side allowing you time & space to talk things though. Sounds like he's just slammed a door in your face.

Remember you are in love with the person he says he is & who you think he is but actually what about the 'man' he is now because that is who he is.

Don't give up what could be your last chance to be a mother. He doesn't sound stable if he is angry at you for something he played a massive part in. What if you terminate then he ends things one day?

You get childcare hours from 9months now BTW so you can keep working if you want to.

I am glad you have returned.

I remember you said you had a good career, therefore you can afford to find somewhere else to live and I think you need to start looking now.

You can do this.

Have you had an early scan, not meaning to sound harsh but the chance of miscarriage at 43 is very high you might be stressing over something that you needn't. 6 week ish scans do give a good indication of viability.

Well said OneMoreLime.

At the moment you are in the throes of indecision, but It Is NOT your fault!!

Life throws things in our path, but we deal with each crisis together. If one of you had an illness presumably you would deal with it together.

It appears he is unable to cope with a change of plan but that is his problem not yours.

Whatever your decision give yourself time and take each step as it comes and your own wishes are paramount in this.

For you having a baby at 43 - well, if that was me the child would be an independent adult by now. So that's doable for you.

For the baby? The likelihood of problems for a child born from a 44 year old egg are higher. Would you be happy to take that risk for a child?

For him - well, how old is he, op? You mention he's older and the thought of a dependent child for the next 18 years when he was clear he was done will come as a shock.

The older he is, the more anxiety inducing that will be, the challenges and pressures of pregnancy, new baby, toddler, adolescent and teen (which he's familiar with and probably dreads what you most desire).

That in itself is understandable.

Does he suspect you did it on purpose? This will colour his view of you, true or not.

But he's dealing with it in a pretty shit me-first way.

So is this behaviour in character? Does he do the silent treatment a lot, or is it this bombshell that's knocked him sideways?

This is an aspect of the love of your life that you need to keep in mind.