A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

You absolutely must not only blame yourself.

He said he wanted no more children. You agreed that you would be on board with that. However, he had unprotected sex with you - you didn't get pregnant by yourself. It's half his fault as you both clearly thought conception was not possible.

You had not agreed in advance to abort any unplanned pregnancy so he had no valid expectation that this would happen.

You didn't plan this. His response to the situation is very telling - he's barely speaking to you. I'm sure that if you went for an abortion, he'd try to carry on and pretend nothing happened - but the relationship would probably be over for you because you'd have to live with him having manipulated you into aborting your "last chance" baby that you do really want. So an abortion will not solve your relationship issue.

Alternatively, if you have the baby, he may leave anyway.

Or, if you have a miscarriage, you will still know that when you needed his support and help, he refused it and wouldn't bother speaking to you.

I'd see how the pregnancy goes and probably start thinking about leaving, regardless of what happens. He was happy to have sex with you and have you on his arm as a much younger woman. He sounds like a controlling, selfish gammon.

Sorry that you aren't getting any support from your partner .

Have you been to the Dr , can you get an early scan - you may have to pay privately for this ? I think it would be useful for you to know how many weeks you are and what your options may be .
I think the pregnancy has come as a shock to you both and you are both coming to terms with it . Your partner is acting very immaturely by not even speaking to you about it .
I think it is all very well agreeing not to have kids but then when you have become pregnant you are no longer talking about a hypothetical situation but an actual child .It is also significant that this would probably be your only opportunity to have a child .

It seems like you do want the baby but do not want the relationship to end . If your partner does not want to be involved , he would still need to pay child maintenance . Do you have any family you could stay with if this is what you decide ?
Look after yourself it is a vulnerable time for you with your hormones kicking in as well .

Were you both on board with never having kids and were you happy with that? or just going along with it for his sake?

This is a very tough situation. If you keep the baby you will probably have to do it on your own. Solo parenting is no joke, especially at 43. However, if it's something you desperately want I would urge you to continue because this is probably your one opportunity.

I do remember your other thread, isn't your partner 60 odd? I can understand why he doesn't want this at his age.

It's a really shitty situation but I think it boils down to two choices really. Keep the baby but go into it knowing your relationship will either end and you'll be doing it alone or stay with him and he will be a reluctant and resentful father and partner.

Or, accept this was never in your plan (if that's the case?) and put it down to a very unfortunate accident.

This is not all on you, he knew there was a possibility of pregnancy. He sounds incredibly selfish and unsupportive. This is probably your last chance to have a child and it sounds like you want to keep it.

OP why do you want to stay with this man? He’s showing you absolutely no care or empathy when you have a baby growing inside you. He could choose to support you and talk you through your decisions rather than shutting you down and being angry for something that is just as much on him as it is on you.

If you don’t have this baby you will be left with a man who cares nothing for your feelings.

Why would you want to continue to be with someone who essentially ignores you in a time of need?

He is also 50% responsible for this situation.

He has shown himself to you.
If it were me and I ended up terminating, I'd still leave him.

He is not actively caring about you.
He cares about himself

I haven't seen your earlier posts so not sure what you would like to do for yourself.

But few things..

1. Don't blame yourself, it's 50/50 so he should be blaming himself.

1. If you did want the baby, you would cope. You are not the first or last lady to be in this situation whilst isolated. There is support. If you did decide to keep the baby I'm sure many ladies on here can point you into the right direction as would your midwife.

I in your shoes would get away from everyone for a night. A B&B, just to be alone with yourself to decide what you honestly want without people influencing or trying to manipulate your feelings. There are pros and cons with either decision. The only part you won't be able to live with from my experience, is if whatever decision you make you feel wasn't yours.
Things change, circumstances change, you will grow as a person regardless. But a decision forced on you is a forever regret.

The thing that stood out from your last post was that, deep down, you wanted a child, but had come to terms with not having one because he didnt.

Which is all very well, because he already HAS children.

A friend found herself in a similar situation, at a similar age. Her partner was happy about it and had assumed that she would abort, but she didnt want that.

I think his decision, in the end, was that the relationship would end anyway if he tried to pressure her into aborting - she would be unhappy and would resent him, and possibly never get over the guilt. So he would end up unhappy.

And at that moment he was unhappy because it was not something he had wanted, or planned, but it MIGHT work out OK, and at least one of them was starting off happy, and he would need to deal with his own issues about it. They are still together 21 years later.

I too had my second child at 40. He is 18 now and the absolute joy of my life (as his his 24 year old sister) I would never have had myself as a maternal type, was positively anti children, it was never on my radar. But I would do it all again, single parenthood included, at the drop of a hat.

I found myself pregnant at 43,totally umplanned.
I planned to terminate, but this started to play on my mind and really upset me-partner said we would do whatever I wanted..I sadly miscarried and partner booked a vasectomy.
That is a partner who cares and was willing to discuss and take my feelings into account-this isn't how your partner is behaving and this is telling.

Think of your life in 5yrs time.

You can and will manage with a child,even alone.
I don't many mums regret a child-but they regret not having one.

I think at this point being completely honest that the relationship is on rocky ground anyway.

You want this baby, if you terminate to keep him happy you will resent that. Do you think you will be able to forgive him for taking away this opportunity?

If you keep the baby, do you think he will come around? To the point where he is actually a good dad and a good partner, or would he stick around and tolerate?

I can see how hard this must be for you and what a mix of emotions and worries you must be dealing with. I think it would be wise to take some time to think through what your options are if you had to go it alone, could you move back to where you have support, are there any changes you can make to your job? Having a back up plan may help to make you feel more settled.

I’m sorry for repeating the previous thread, but everyone is suggesting that you need to choose between your partner and keeping the baby. Your background miscarriage risk is >50%, and I am worried that you are going to finish up with a irrevocably broken relationship (and this may have already happened) for a situation that actually you had no control over.

Are you at home with your husband now? Can you just go and stay in a hotel for a couple of days to have some time out.

Do you have any friends and family? Is there someone who can support you?

Sounds like your relationship won’t be the same whether you keep the baby or not anyway after seeing his reaction so don’t let that influence your decision on whether to keep the baby.

if you choose to keep the baby you’ll manage, you can do this!! You will adapt and survive

If you want to, you can do this alone. We manage when men opt out after children are born, no choice in that one.

I would never have chosen to bring up my children alone but my DH opted out. I am a really good mum, to great kids. I wouldn't change that.

You can do this if that's what you want.

I've been thinking about you since you last posted, I'm sorry DP isn't taking it well.

Thoughts are with you 🤗

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so alone and unsupported at what should be a happy and exciting time for you. Please think carefully before agreeing to a termination because it's what your partner wants. You might end up feeling so resentful that it damages your relationship beyond repair anyway. You say that you love him so much and that he is your world - I'm not sure I would feel that way about a man who is treating you so coldly when you're at your most vulnerable 😔

Yeah this. I love my DH I really do, but once my babies came along there is no question what the true great love of my life is, and that staying with someone who didn't want kids would have been an immeasurable loss for me. I know not everyone feels the same but I would never ever put a man over a wanted baby. And I do see my DH as my "soulmate" in many ways but it's not the same.

Speaking from personal experience, I’ve know of women who have went through the abortion procedure and the man who was unsupportive of the pregnancy was also unsupportive of her ending it, therefore she got no support regardless.
So do what you want it’s your life your body and his support and love isn’t guaranteed regardless of your choice.

Sorry about you’re situation op,I found out I was pregnant in October at the age of 44,unfortunately I decided the best decision was to terminate but it broke my heart and still does,I do have children though,please don’t make any rash decisions,do what is best for you.

It's also very simplistic to say that things will just 'work themselves out' if OP goes it alone.

You've already said you have nowhere to go and you're living away from family and have a job. So presumably you'd have to find somewhere else to live, financially support yourself and be away from family. Or, move closer to family and find another job....whilst pregnant.

Yes he will have to contribute financially but many men dodge this. Plus he's 60, is he still working? You might not get very much.

I think one of the key questions is can you actually afford to have a baby on your own with potentially minimal financial support from him. What would your life look like?

I'm not saying you shouldn't go ahead. But the practicalities need to be considered rather than simply thinking that it'll all be ok.

Unfortunately, I had a feeling this was how it was all going to go.
Your partner is considerably older than you, OP, and has a grown up daughter who is nearing 40 herself. He was clear on not wanting any more children.

If you feel strongly about keeping the baby from a surprise pregnancy, as is your right, then you need to brace for yourself for going it alone.

I'm sorry it's not what you'd hoped for, OP. You now need to decide what you want more: him and the marriage or the baby.

What an utter utter bastard. A rotten selfish utter bastard. I would never be able to look at him the same ever again, no matter what happened.

Think on this.. Say you miscarried before you got chance to decide. He would be happy and relieved about that.
Could you love a man like that? While youre in emotional pain and he's happy?

I wonder if you will continue to love your partner as much and see him as your world if he deprives you of your chance at motherhood.
My worry for you is you will terminate your pregnancy and in your grief feel very differently about him. It's also probably not the best thing to have a partner who is 'your world' as it makes you very vulnerable. Ideally a primary relationship should be just the most important one of several, so that when there's a conflict like this, the power dynamic isn't so much in his favour. I think what I'm saying here is, your great love may not actually be the healthiest way to live and you will be sacrificing a great deal for it.

I'm so sorry OP. How difficult for you.

Your choice is your own, there'll be no judgement here. But, personally, if I had a termination simply to please someone else when really I wanted to keep the baby I think I'd have serious regrets and sadness over that.

As others have said, do what makes YOU happy. If your partner doesn't respect your choice in this, when he is 50% responsible, then that says a lot.

I’m so sorry to read your update OP, but I agree with everyone else. This is absolutely not all your fault. You didn’t make this baby all on your own and if he was so absolutely against it he certainly shouldn’t have had unprotected sex. The way he is refusing to accept any responsibility for his choices and actions, blaming you for everything and behaving like a petulant child by ignoring you when you need his support would change the way I looked at him forever if I were you. He’s shown you what you can expect when the chips are down and it’s not nice.

So - what is your gut telling you to do? I know what I’d do, but I’m not you. Can you envisage raising this baby alone, as that seems to be what will need to happen? Or if you terminate to appease him do you think you can ever get past the way he’s behaved? There are no easy choices, I wish you all the best whichever way you choose.