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Original poster

Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

1000 replies

Babybelle81 · 18/11/2024 14:48

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
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GivingitToGod · 19/11/2024 21:24

Lotsofsnacks · 19/11/2024 18:31

As a child of older parents, I was very wanted loved but I sacrificed a lot of my 30s looking after my dad after mum passed away suddenly. As an only child I was called on every weekend to
go visit dad and help out, as he fell apart with grief and his health suffered, when all my friends were carefree every weekend. Your dc could be only 20 when your husband passes, in the throes of university etc, but more likely in her twenties, when she too will probably have to put her life on hold to look after you. So I put off finding a partner till late 30s as was looking after dad, and had a baby then, so I ended up an older mum too. Which I do regret if I’m honest, would rather have had kids earlier. As after menopause you age so much, it’s tough when you have younger kids, and you see that all dc’s friends have much younger parents. I didn’t like having older parents as a child and used to lie about their ages! This is just my experience

Thank you for being honest. And rearing children is exhausting, irrespective of age. Let's not pretend that it is a walk in the park

shiningstar2 · 19/11/2024 21:33

Hi op. Your early post said you were excited at the prospect of this baby. At 43 this is probably your last chance to be a mother. You are probably worried that it would damage your relationship if you go ahead with the pregnancy if your partner doesn't want you to. But if you were to terminate when you don't want to in order to suit him, you would be hurt, angry and resentful at choosing to put his needs before your own. If you have the baby it might work out with him or R it might not. If you don't have the baby because he has already done all this it would be terrible for you and detrimental to the relationship, possibly causing a split. In your shoes, as you clearly seem to want the baby, I would go ahead. It may work out in the relationship, it may not. But that is also true if you terminate when you don't want to. I wouldn't give too much thought to his daughters opinions on this. She will be mostly busy with her own family anyway and it would be unwise to factor her views into the equation. If you want a child and terminate because having one might upset her, you will have massive resentment later on when you see her with her children and know your chance has been lost. Go for what you want op. Hope it goes well. 💐

Vax · 19/11/2024 21:39

Babybelle81 · 19/11/2024 18:58

Just want to reiterate - I never ever planned on this. I had resigned myself a long time ago that l wasn’t going to be a mum due to his wishes. I made that choice and I was happy with that. Honestly. I truly was. I have a great career and a second job which I also love. I threw myself into all this. We never ever planned this. We both genuinely thought we were both past it, otherwise we wouldn’t have been careless.
the daughter is very difficult - she just hates anyone else having his time, and this has been proven time and time again. It’s a real shame as we used to be best friends, and she actually introduced us! Now we do not speak that much unless we are at family events like birthdays etc. Just to give some context also, he is a very young 60 - in fact I’m more mature than him! He’s full of life and loves exercise etc
thanks for all your comments again xx

Bit of a mic drop there Grin

mnahmnah · 19/11/2024 21:41

Fuck me that took a turn. I want a post from the ex best friend / stepdaughter. I bet her take is interesting.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 19/11/2024 21:49

LeticiaMorales · 19/11/2024 09:09

Well, we don't know. All we know is that her father appears to be in a committed marriage. So. She can disapprove, but she ought to be adult enough to accept the situation and behave with grace.
Disclaimer: we know nothing of the back story.

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I don't OP is married. She has mentioned "partner" "other half", not husband.

levantine · 19/11/2024 21:51

Bloody hell, that was quite some drip feed, I have every sympathy with the daughter, I can only imagine what her reaction will be.

However, if you want a baby and feel that you could manage on your own should the relationship go tits up, then you must have it. You are unlikely to get a second chance.

DamselinDistress24 · 19/11/2024 21:51

Josette77 · 19/11/2024 19:21

Her Beloved Dad should not be sticking his dick into his daughters best friends. That is so gross.

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I didn't even catch that until posters started mentioning it.

The background to this is decidedly ick.

I have to wonder what's gone on in the op's life that she's hooked up with her best mate's Dad, who's nearly 20 yrs older than her, and sacrificed having children in order to stay with him.

DamselinDistress24 · 19/11/2024 21:53

I've also gone from thinking his daughter is a bit of a bitch, to feeling sorry for her.

diddl · 19/11/2024 21:54

I have to wonder what's gone on in the op's life that she's hooked up with her mate's Dad, who's nearly 20 yrs older than her, and sacrificed having children in order to stay with him.

When you put it like that...

LeticiaMorales · 19/11/2024 21:55

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 19/11/2024 21:49

I don't OP is married. She has mentioned "partner" "other half", not husband.

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Indeed. Also, my disclaimer - now we know the significant back story!

LeticiaMorales · 19/11/2024 21:56

How long have you been together? Are you married?

Xmasbaby11 · 19/11/2024 22:01

It's more about what you and your DP want, not his DD. If you were her best friend, though, that sort of explains the difficulty in the relationship, wouldn't you say?

GivingitToGod · 19/11/2024 22:01

steff13 · 19/11/2024 16:15

He didn't use protection when having sex with a woman who was not on any kind of birth control. It seems like he already made his choice. If he was adamant about not having other kids he could have had a vasectomy, he could have worn a condom.

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Yes, indeed But we are all human . I can totally understand why an older man with a grown up family doesn't want to start again. In OP's situation, she holds the reins but I feel it's fair that both OP and partner's views are considered

Calliopespa · 19/11/2024 22:02

Vax · 19/11/2024 21:39

Bit of a mic drop there Grin

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In several ways really…

The fact that we have been reassured, as it were, that the 60 year old is apparently “less mature” than the op - who herself appears to have been under the impression (aged nearly 44) that endo or peri work as satisfactory contraception. You start to wonder about the environment for a baby with these “immature” and, to be honest, fairly un-informed parents… I mean when was immaturity ever a desideratum for parenting?

Also, it hits a very “off” note for me that she has now mentioned she and her (ex) friend now “don’t speak much” ; yet at the beginning of this thread the friend was supposed to be going to be “ invaluable” at helping raise the baby.🤔

Taken together with the fact that op has ended up with the “best friend’s” dad and the best friend is “difficult” ( and op seems totally perplexed as to why this might be other than it being a problem with the DD), I’m just getting a feeling there is either quite a bit of disingenuousness going on or some major difficulty in understanding things that seem relatively obvious …

Are you being totally honest oP? Because with a little new life potentially in the mix, it’s really important you sure your head is fully screwed on and you are being fully honest with yourself about how things stand. I wish you luck, but I do think you need to contemplate some of these aspects of your posts quite hard. Maybe much of it was said for effect ? Only you will really know, but then only you need to. Just be fully grounded as you take a big decision …

Gummybear23 · 19/11/2024 22:04

Why did daughter introduce her dad to her friend.
Obv if they are going to have a relationship there is a risk a baby will come.

Anyways congratulations @Babybelle81 .
What a joy.
It is a blessing. Hope you enjoy the next stage of your life.

The daughter will come round.

Poppysu · 19/11/2024 22:05

As long as this baby is loved and cared for that's all that matters OP don't worry about the age I've met quite a few older mums at playgroup it really isn't uncommon.

LeticiaMorales · 19/11/2024 22:06

Poppysu · 19/11/2024 22:05

As long as this baby is loved and cared for that's all that matters OP don't worry about the age I've met quite a few older mums at playgroup it really isn't uncommon.

It's not her age that's the main problem here.

Lookingatthesunset · 19/11/2024 22:08

Namechangey23 · 19/11/2024 21:04

OP...you realise this is your baby's half sister you are taking about? She may be 38 but she is your unborn child's half sister! Doesn't this also mean that your unborn child is already an aunty/uncle?! Think about that for a moment. And then think that if your partner and father of the child passes away, this woman and her children will be your child's only biological link with their father. Think about that before you push her away. Not going to lie that's a a bit of an odd situation. You clearly want the baby, but I fear you will end up raising it alone. Next question, do you own property wb your partner and will be marry you? Or could you end up a homeless single parent with a baby and no financial assets to your name and no legal tie to the father other than a few paltry maintenance payments? Hope that is not the case!!

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Where did the OP say anything about pushing her partner's daughter away? Projecting much are we?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 19/11/2024 22:12

I have no support here apart from his grown up kids. One of them has two of her own so she would be invaluable I think.

Why would his grown up children provide support? Particularly the ex- friend daughter you barely speak to and don't seem to like.

MoodEnhancer · 19/11/2024 22:13

Talk about burying the lede! Reams on how tricky the daughter is and how upset she will be before mentioning that her dad shacked up with her best friend!

Lookingatthesunset · 19/11/2024 22:15

oakleaffy · 19/11/2024 20:37

His daughter sounds a selfish madam- She has children of her own?
She's probably worried about her perceived inheritance being given to you and the other child- It happens.

Sounds you might have to go this alone.

How? I doubt she even knows yet. It's a lot for her to process in the circumstances!

The inheritance thing happened to a work colleague of mine. Her mum died relatively young, and her father remarried, a woman with several children of her own. Woman married him, rinsed him and left him. Colleague never got a thing from her mother.

BruceAndNosh · 19/11/2024 22:15

Somehow I doubt the OP will be back.
I don't blame her

Jazzjazzjazz · 19/11/2024 22:20

I was 30, it was unplanned, I’d got out of a horrific relationship. I had no permanent accommodation, I had no job, and as we were not married I had nothing from our very long relationship that I’d been in since I was a teenager. He was very abusive, he kept me under lock and key. I left, I met someone when I was at the lowest point in my life and got pregnant. I will never regret keeping her, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m your age now, and I never met the guy for me. I’d be childless now. I’d have so many regrets. Sometimes a gift arrives and it ends up being the making of you.

OmegaAlpha · 19/11/2024 22:21

I had my second baby at 44. It was a surprise as I had been told I couldn't have any more. He's now 10, and I'm 55, and it's brilliant. I love him, he's great, funny, clever, healthy, as is his 15-year-old sister. I'm not with their dad any more, but he shares custody and I'm very happy that I at least got two kids out of him! If you're fit and healthy, and so is he, you'll be fine. Anything can happen healthwise, to any of us. Romantic relationships don't always last, but my relationship with my children is a constant, and the best one (two) I've every had :) If you're excited, and want the baby, then keep it, and don't worry about what your DP thinks - you'll be fine with or without him.

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