Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Have you considered that you might feel resentful towards him if you choose not to have the baby? Maybe, not immediately and maybe not outwardly. If you try to suppress that resentment it might come out when you have an argument.
Are you certain he would be 100% against you having the baby if faced with the reality of the situation? Is it too risky just to tell him? If he loves you he should be supportive even if against the idea.

43 is very young to assume you are menopausal and infertile. Did you discuss not using contraception? Is this possibly a subconscious roll of the dice? Has he possibly subconsciously rolled the dice as well?

Do not be scared at all. Just take up the courage and tell him you are pregnant. At the end he is responsible for the child since he slept with you without wearing a condom.

Err excuse me … the DD is upset because etc etc
Are you a mind reader?
Do you possess super powers?

You have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the daughter thinks, stop talking utter codswallop!

She's told him.

As a child of older parents, I was very wanted loved but I sacrificed a lot of my 30s looking after my dad after mum passed away suddenly. As an only child I was called on every weekend to
go visit dad and help out, as he fell apart with grief and his health suffered, when all my friends were carefree every weekend. Your dc could be only 20 when your husband passes, in the throes of university etc, but more likely in her twenties, when she too will probably have to put her life on hold to look after you. So I put off finding a partner till late 30s as was looking after dad, and had a baby then, so I ended up an older mum too. Which I do regret if I’m honest, would rather have had kids earlier. As after menopause you age so much, it’s tough when you have younger kids, and you see that all dc’s friends have much younger parents. I didn’t like having older parents as a child and used to lie about their ages! This is just my experience

he seemed more concerned with what his 38 year old daughter will say. She’ll go mad, I darent tell her, it will be awful etc… last thing she wants is this!

Would this be the same grown-up daughter that you earlier suggested could offer support:

One of them has two of her own so she would be invaluable I think.

Perhaps part of the reason she'd go mad is that with two kids of her own to manage she has no interest in suddenly becoming childcare for a baby sibling!

I had a child at 43 who I raised myself. It was a joy on the whole. Education was a bit trickier than I anticipated but otherwise it was the best decision of my entire life. I already had the career etc. like you which helped.
What I would say though is that you should be prepared to raise this child on your own if you have to. TBH I'd give the same advice to any woman of any age but slightly more pertinent to you given the age of your partner.

You have conceived naturally and Mother Nature would not allow this to happen if you were likely to die before your child is an adult. It's probably why women have a menopause. And men don't, because frankly the child's outcome is less dependent on whether the father survives.
So if you want the baby, go for it and the best of luck.

Congratulations! if YOU want the baby KEEP the baby. This is a wonderful news specially that you wanted but sacrified the want. Well, the miracle of life had your back and boom! I think it is a great news. I would have the baby. He should have had a vasectomy or use a condom not assume that nothing will happen. I am a child of late parents and I think you shoudl go ahead with it. Give him a box with little knitted botties as his christmas present.

The one 'advantage' (which is a very indelicate way to put it but I can't think of an alternative) to having to care for your parents in your earlier life is that you don't have to struggle with it when you are older yourself.

As the OP will only be 63 when her child turns 20, I don't see said child having many caring responsibilities for the old dear then!

I don't expect my kids to be my carers either. I'll buy in care or they can stick me in a (nice!) home!

I think she is too worried about the guys age and the child not being able to enjoy him fully.

Parents do get time for themselves too, just not as much. You can also have a good life with children. I certainly do. I understand we are all different though.

To be honest it sounds like you want the baby.

Of course you can take what he wants into consideration but ultimately, it’s your choice.

OP I am excited for you. As others have said this is basically the last roll of the dice for you, your own little miracle. 43/44 isn't ridiculously old to be having kids. I understand your husband is a lot older so you will have to have a think about how things are going to work out. But there is honestly nothing that compares to the love that you get from your children. Yes it is hard work, exhausting, 24/7, a financial drain but I could not imagine my life without my children. Your very own little person that you will always have that special bond with as you carried them and gave birth to them. Of course it may not work out but I would 100% give this pregnancy a chance.

It’s the greatest gift you will have have. You won’t care about your partner half as much as you care about that child. It’s a love like no other. What a blessing.

Go with your heart ❤️

Good luck OP, being a mom is hard work but it is the best thing I ever did. I had my first at 37 and second and 38 and would have loved more, but me and my partner split up so won’t happen now.
i hope all goes well with your pregnancy, i am sure your partner will come around eventually. I can imagine why it is such a big shock for him but it is what it is. Congratulations x

Agreed, certainly it is a different life at the moment but I love doing all the fun kid things. Christmas as an example is magical once again when you have children. And as the children get older you do get back bits of your "own" life but you may find you have changed and don't actually want it.

It's true about his age, but also he's made it clear that he doesn't want children. Plus he seems to be worried about his daughter's reaction.

A little food for thought for some on this thread:

The reality is that the chance of actually conceiving a baby when you're over 40 is less than 5% chance per cycle and then the risk of miscarriage for women of that age group is very high. In fact, about 1 in 2 of these pregnancies will sadly end up in miscarriage.

That's by far the riskiest bit about being older but that still leaves 50% of pregnancies that are viable and many women do have babies in their 40's.

These little ones are absolute miracles in my opinion!

The chance of having a baby with downs syndrome does increase with age. When you're 30 it's about 0.2%, by 40 it's increased to about 1% and by 45 it's increased to about 3%.
So, even at 45 years old, there's a 97% chance your baby will not have DS.

It's also worth noting that 80% of babies with DS are born to women under 35 years old.

There is an advanced NIPT available now which tests for 70 different genetic and chromosomal issues including DS and there are other more invasive tests available too which can check with over 99% accuracy that everything is OK with your baby.

There are increased risks (between 10%-30% more likely) associated with advanced paternal age too (baby born prematurely, low birth weight, mother having gestational diabetes).
There is also believed to be a link between advanced paternal age and autism but actual findings vary between different studies - current data suggests that the overall risk of autism with an older father is around 2-5%.

Believe it or not, some studies around maternal age and autism have actually shown the number of cases to DROP after age 35!

So all of this scaremongering about having a disabled child like it's a given one you turn 40, is coming across as ignorant and unnecessary. Even with a 44 year old mother and 60 year old father, if the pregnancy is viable, then the chance of having a completely healthy baby is much higher than not.

Just want to reiterate - I never ever planned on this. I had resigned myself a long time ago that l wasn’t going to be a mum due to his wishes. I made that choice and I was happy with that. Honestly. I truly was. I have a great career and a second job which I also love. I threw myself into all this. We never ever planned this. We both genuinely thought we were both past it, otherwise we wouldn’t have been careless.
the daughter is very difficult - she just hates anyone else having his time, and this has been proven time and time again. It’s a real shame as we used to be best friends, and she actually introduced us! Now we do not speak that much unless we are at family events like birthdays etc. Just to give some context also, he is a very young 60 - in fact I’m more mature than him! He’s full of life and loves exercise etc
thanks for all your comments again xx

In your situation, I'd keep the baby. You have to grab life with both hands. How many people have so many regrets of NOT doing things on their death beds? Versus those that Have done things? Congratulations xx

Second this OP.
Even if it meant my partner leaving.

Good luck whatever you decide
💐

Being 44 with a baby is nothing tricky. Being 60 with a 15 year old is more challenging, particularly if the 15 year old has special needs. I think giving a range of possible outcomes consideration is sensible when making life-altering decisions.

Did I read right that you used to be best friends with his daughter and she introduced you and you then started dating her dad?? Or have I misread? If not then I definitely see why your relationship is strained!