Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I think you've answered the question yourself. You are excited! It's happened now, probably not ideal but it's happening. Also, it will be someone to help you look after your elderly partner when he's 80! If he opts to leave, it sounds like he wasn't worth bothering about. I had a baby at 41 - easy pregnancy and delivery. Parenting is not easy but it's life enhancing. If I were in your situation I'd have the baby.

It's not ideal, OP. You'd be having a baby with a man who doesn't want one, is already 60 (so not the best quality DNA anymore) and you are not that young yourself. As I said in another thread, I grew up with older parents and it wasn't great.

Ultimately though, only you can make the decision.

You've always wanted a baby and you're excited to be pregnant. In your position, I don't think I could abort. OP this is about you and what you want. You're not trapping him, this was an accident. If the two of you were to split, could you manage? Do you have enough money and support to do this alone?

Had mine at 41. I absolutely would have had another up to 45, though it wasn't to be. Think carefully about what you want, OP.

Also, it will be someone to help you look after your elderly partner when he's 80!

No child should be expected to look after a 80 year old parent at 20, their life is just beginning for goodness sake.

I personally would have aborted if I’d fallen pregnant at 43 but we decided on a cut off age of 35. If it hadn’t happened by then we were spending our lives childless as we didn’t want to be older parents. You said yourself OP that your career is flourishing and you don’t want your child to have older parents.

Do what YOU want to do. Please don't terminate because of prejudice against older parents. The average age of parents is rising and your child could have a wonderful life. Your partner was having sex with you so must have known there was always the chance!!

It's an interesting question because your partner leaving you to raise your first child alone at 43 could very well happen.

Also I had a child at the same age, 7 now. The light of my life!!

Now that it’s happened - why does it all have to be about what your partner wants?
What about what you want?
’This above all: to thine own self be true.’

You have options
but taking him out of the equation it sounds like you are feeling some excitement and positive feelings about this

What's your support network like? Sorry to sound morbid but if the worse happened and you both died before your child reached adulthood, are there relatives who'd be able to step in?

If you wanted kids that much you would have had them, you've chosen your partner over having kids and being peri/thinking you were no longer fertile didn't upset you. And if it's not a "hell yes" it's a no imo.

It’s difficult. At 60, he is definitely too old to be doing the whole baby phase again. He’ll be thinking about retirement and grandchildren surely? But this is probably your only
chance at being a mum, assuming a smooth pregnancy. Worst case scenario, you end up raising the baby alone or doing the lions share of child rearing, depending on how dh’s health is over the next 18 years. Many people in their 60’s and 70’s do have multiple health issues.

You want the baby. Personally I wouldn't have tried for a baby over 40 in an ideal world. But this baby exists now, and choosing to end is very different to not getting pregnant in first place.

Bear in mind at your age miscarriage rate is over 50% and chance of chromosomal abnormalities is at its highest. I'd have a full think about what you want to do. You could have a happy healthy pregnancy, with happy healthy baby, and be a fantastic mum alongside your career. You could end up the carer for a profoundly disabled child unable to work (and genetic tests don't test for everything).

To be honest I wouldn't blame him for not wanting a baby at 60.. honestly I can't think of anything worse and I would feel v sorry for a child who had a father that old too
If you are prepared to go it alone as it will most likely end your relationship even if he "helps out" then go ahead. If not have a serious think about it. The default on this site is have the baby, it will all work out but I wonder in reality how many find it that easy in the long run.

Wow, I can imagine what a shock that must have been - I am almost 42, 21 weeks pregnant and also put it down to peri symptoms initially!
(Baby healthy, low risk NIPT etc)

What is your gut saying to you? It's a huge decision

Let's be honest here, you are extremely unlikely to have this chance again so of you have always wanted a child this is your one opportunity.

It sounds like you do want to continue woth the pregnancy.

If you don't want to, that's OK too.

The only wrong choice is the one that isn't the right one for you.

I can’t give you advice but I had a baby at 43. I ended up as a single mum (of two) but I wouldn’t change a thing. He’s at Uni now and has been a most wonderful son.

You've probably got two choices. A termination, or single parenthood.
The organisations that do TOPS (BPAS etc) will also offer you counselling.

If he definitely didn't want another child he should have been dealing with contraception.

How would you feel if your DC had special needs, statistically more likely with older parents?

In your shoes I would have the baby, but expect to do it alone.

In his shoes, I couldn't do it again. I'm 46 and couldn't do it again! He has been very honest with you, and given his age, that's fair enough.

It is worth gently mentioning that with a much older father, and a somewhat older mother, the risks are higher. Not just during pregnancy, but also that the child might have some additional needs. That's something only you can weigh up.

You sound excited about it. He was all 'no' to a hypothetical baby, but has to take some responsibility here. But really it's your choice, he may leave, he may not. What do you want more?

Tough one OP. I won't tell you what I would do as I am not you, but I will say that you need to consider everything that others have said above.

If you have just found out then there is time to let it sink in and think about it. You should involve your partner too as it is his baby, but ultimately it is your body and you get the final say so.

Ah, OP. Don't feel stupid - you are not stupid. You're just in a tricky situation. This is no more your "fault" than your partner's, so don't let guilt cloud your judgment.

Like others are saying, it sounds like in your heart you might want this baby. Under these circumstances, I think termination might be very traumatic for you. Also consider what it could do to your relationship with your partner if you terminated and then ended up resenting him.

Yes, your partner is old to be a parent, but you are not especially so. It sounds like you also have the financial means, and a career you could go back to after mat leave.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong here (IMHO). Wishing you all the very best, whichever way things go.

You are far more likely to have a child with a significant disability using geriatric eggs and sperm. How would you cope spending the rest of your life caring for one as a single parent?