Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

So your partner probably doesn’t want a baby but how about you? Just you? What do you want?

You really only have two choices. How do you feel about it?

I would want a baby - I always have, but I knew he didn’t, so I sacrificed that for him. I love him very much and understand he’s done it and doesn’t want to do it again. I can’t expect him to be up in the night at his age changing nappies etc.

I feel torn. I feel so upset. I feel stupid! I’m not a stupid person. I’m very responsible and feel very silly. Honestly I thought my late period was just the menopause.

I think there's a huge difference between choosing not to plan a baby, and choosing to end a pregnancy that has started. If you would want a baby, I think you need to be very careful to think through your options.

I also found out at 43 that I was unexpectedly pregnant (though unlike OP I already had 3 children). I considered a termination but decided to have the baby. She's now 22 and the light of my life. Having older parents is by no means the worst thing that can happen to a baby

Equally though, he can't expect you to abort a baby if that's not what you want to do.
Please take your time and consider your ongoing emotional health @Babybelle81

Appreciate all your comments so far.
I’ll be honest part of me is so excited, but the other part is I don’t want him to feel trapped and like he has no freedom again.

I had my little boy 2 years ago just before I turned 44 - totally doable if that’s what you want. If you terminate you have to be so so 100% sure as you will always wonder “what if…” xx

If I was in your exact circumstances, I would have the baby.

No shadow of a doubt.

Especially as you mention you are 'Excited' by the possibility. 💐

What help would you like, OP?
I don't have children, either, husband is significantly older and we both have a good life.
45 yo.
In your case, remember that you gonna be 63, if everything goes well, when your potential kid is 20.
Also, you can forget about ever having any life just for yourself.
If this by some miracle happened to me,
I would immediately terminate.
Not possible here, though.
🍀

He chose not to take responsibility for contraception, at 60 I would assume he knows about this, so he's not without responsibility here.

I agree with the person who wrote that having older parents is not the worst thing that could happen to a child.
Can you offer love and a happy home? That's the question you should be asking, not about age. Age is just a number (I'm a lot younger than you and a mum, but I still think so!)

Why do you feel stupid OP? Is it just your fault you are pregnant?

I will be 60 when my only child is 18 and had and still have a great career if that helps. Although he was planned.

Try the ‘deathbed test’. Imagine lying on your deathbed looking back at your life. What would you regret doing or not doing? How does a child fit into this?

And he is 60 now not 80 so I would think unless he is an unhealthy 60 he can cope with some of the challenges of a newborn.

If you want a baby that’s probably your answer and it’s down to your OH to decide whether he wants to stay.

How would you feel if you miscarried tomorrow.

Would you feel only relief or disappointment?

I find when making decisions, considering how I would feel if the choice was removed usually reveals my true feelings.

It's not ideal but life isn't. Your child would have older siblings in terms of having people in the world and presumably they may also have kids or will soon so there might be wider family, even if it's not quite in the usual pattern.

Take some time to work through your feelings. Don't jump to the decision you think you should make until sure.

I think you should have the baby. You admit you feel excited. You won't get another chance to be a mother. If the father won't support you, go it alone and enjoy the trials and tribulations along the way. You won't regret it.

Plus I do have a (really good) life outside of my child so don’t listen to @Nothatgingerpirate who says you won’t have one.

I think you'd need to be 100% sure you don't want it to terminate. Anything else will probably impact you for the rest of your life.

Can you imagine the worst case scenario? I'd imagine this is your DP opting out, leaving you. You'd get child maintenance, you'd get maternity leave and pay, you may get benefits. Could you cope? Would you have support?

You can't do anything about your age, except gave the extra motivation to stay healthy.

I wish you well.

Op it sounds like you want this baby.

Also the risk of m/c is higher at your age, so you decide to have it if the best works out, but you could try and stay a bit detached until 12 weeks just to protect yourself.

What's coming across here is that you would like to have this baby but you don't think it's fair to him to continue. He could have got a vasectomy. He didn't. I doubt he insisted on using condoms every time either. If you want this baby, keep it.

I was going to say this. At 43/44 the risk of miscarriage is nearly 50% so do bear it in mind if you decide to proceed.

Awww if you want a baby OP, you have possibly your last chance. I'd say go with your heart not your head.

If you have a great career, even better!

43 might not be the easiest of pregnancies but loads of women on here say otherwise.

You're not tricking your partner, it happened, he's equally responsible for contraception.

If your partner dropped dead today, and you didn’t have to consider his feelings at all. What would you do?