Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I am hoping some people will come on here who had older parents (your DH not you).

My friend's dad died when she was 21, he was 80 something. She said he wasn't an involved parent as he got 'old' when she was 10.

Look this is tough OP. There is no wrong answer. I would imagine you will have to do ALL the work, even if you stayed together, essentially a single parent & carer? How would you feel about that?

BTW, I don't think your age is an issue at all, I know quite a few women your age who have babies, however, all of them have supportive partners

I’m a great believer in “ what’s for you , won’t go by you”!

For whatever reason, it’s meant!

Autism is a possibility at any age. If that was such a concern, no-one would have a baby!

I appreciate your partner has said he doesn't want to raise a child again, but you won't know his opinion about a real baby that's on its way, rather than a hypothetical baby until you tell him. He may surprise you and be excited about it.
Option 1. Terminate

1. Will you regret this next month/year/decade? - we regret the things we don't do, not the things we do.
2. Will you resent your partner, particularly if you tell him and he asks you to terminate?

Option 2. Have the baby

1. Are you prepared for thr possibility that the baby won't live to term?
2. Are you prepared to have a child with a disability? A friend in your situation last year had an amniocentesis and was prepared to terminate if the child had a disability. Her DD's Down's Syndrome was not picked up until birth. My friend adores her DD and is maximising her abilities to live a fulfilling life, but it is hard and she had to grieve the baby that she didn't get to have.
3. Are you prepared for all the work/money/emotional labour etc that may will end up on your plate? Or are you excited and it doesn't matter, bring it all on?
4. Will your partner leave? He may not if you've been together a long time and he wants to be with you. But you may end up a single parent.

These questions are not exhaustive but may help you frame your thoughts. It's your body. It's your choice and that choice can be to have the baby.

Ultimately it comes down to a final question which has already been asked: if you found out that you're not actually pregnant, would you be disappointed or relieved?

Whatever your answer to that question is your answer to everything else.

Good luck.

In your situation OP, and I don’t say this lightly, I would go ahead with the pregnancy. You want your baby. If you were to abort you’d have regrets and it would blight your life and your relationship. Imagine if you split up? He took the risk by having unprotected sex. It is not just on you!
Also, for transparency, I had a baby at 43. He is 9 now. I still have my career and my son is not something I regret!

I'd NEVER sacrifice the chance of being a mother because it was what the man wanted.

At 43, this is most likely your only chance. Also, not to be morbid, but statistically you are likely to outlive a man with nearly 20 year old age gap. Your relationship with your child IS going to outlive the relationship either way.

If you were considering TTC I'd have advised differently but you're already pregnant. In your shoes, I'd be having the baby. If he was so set against kids he should have had a vasectomy.

Oh gosh you poor thing what a situation.

I fully support everyone s right to choose, and I have had a termination in the past( now have two children).
Honestly I don't think I would give up my desire to have children for someone who has already experienced the joy( and horror 😂😂) of kids. This is likely your last opportunity. And if you feel excited I think you have your answer.

If it doesn't work with your partner can you afford to go it alone?

Of course you can. Especially nappy changing! My partner did at 60.

My parents were 46 and 47 when they had me. I was a total surprise after trying for 14 years. I couldn't have wished for better parents, although teenage me thought them terribly old-fashioned. It reads to me as if you want this baby. Talk to the father - you might be surprised, and in any case, his wants don't automatically supersede yours.

Definitely a higher risk with older parents. 66% higher for fathers over 50, I think.

Would you rather not have been born at all though? What is "ideal" anyway??

I think people remain much more youthful now than they did in years gone by. My parents had a huge age gap, so I had a very young mum and an older dad. They died within 5 months of each other.

So everyone should abort their baby above a certain age in case of autism?

What age is your arbitrary cut-off point then?

I should probably send all of mine back. None of them has autism!

Teenagers all think their parents are old fashioned and don't know anything about anything!

Based on what you’ve said, if I was you I’d go ahead with the pregnancy. Clearly it’s not ideal with your ages, your career and your partner not wanting children but overall I think you’d probably regret termination more than you’d regret having the baby.
You never know, once you’ve told him and your partner has had time to get used to the idea, he might feel differently. If not, think about whether you could manage as a single parent - you probably could.
There are reasons for and against, there’s no ideal outcome here. It’s about weighing all these things up and ultimately going with what feels right in your heart .

Can you go it alone if necessary?
I think that would be the deciding factor for me, sounds like you could

This is a decision for you, not your partner. He has already had the privilege and pleasure of having children, and you have not, so you may make a different decision to him. Personally age would not be the deciding factor. But then I adopted at 44, my DS is 16 now. All going well for us, very happy as an older Mum. However I am not a single parent. The point I am trying to make is, don't make this decision based on what your partner wants, make it based on what you want.

Bloody hell she's only in her 40s! I'm slightly younger than the OP and no one thinks my baby is my grandchild.

Op, I was in a similar situation, partner 56 I was 38, only when we met he said he would go the whole lot marriage babies etc, it changed after covid he was having doubts and we were on the verge of breaking up when I got pregnant. It was a big shock and he needed time. He then came round and seemed more excited than I did. It resulted in a miscarriage and I was devastated as was he, two years to the date I’ve just turned 40 and given birth to our daughter who is two weeks old. He is 58 and he is in love with her and wouldn’t have it any other way.
It may not work out the same for you in terms of him coming around but if you want this baby please follow your heart. I can’t believe I nearly missed out on this ❤️

I would have the baby. You want a child and he doesn't but already has children of his own. This is very unfair and if you terminate the baby and don't get the chance to be pregnant again you could regret this decision once menopause comes. Imagine if you and your partner broke up he would be the reason why you didn't have a child of your own.

As a mother of a 2 year old boy, it is the best feeling in the world and he is the most important person in my life. No man could come between us not even my husband ever. Trust me to love and be loved by your child opens your heart so much more than just a romantic love that you have with your partner. It is the most powerful and rewarding feeling.

It sounds like you want the baby OP, in which case I don't think you should terminate.

Slightly different as we were deliberately not using contraception but after 3 years of nothing happening had long assumed it wasn't to be. I found out I was pregnant just before my 40th birthday, had a dream of a pregnancy (honestly not a moment's discomfort, pain or worry, was running up until 24 weeks and doing fitness classes until 38 weeks) and the dream of a happy, healthy 5 month old is currently asleep on my lap. The change to our lives hasn't been nearly as hard as we were warned to expect, as our partying days were behind us anyway, we'd had years and years of life to ourselves, as a PP put it.

What your partner will decide to do nobody can predict, but wishing you all the very best.

Yes, I would. But then I fervently believe in abortion. What other people do is up to them, depending on their circumstances and capabilities.

This is why counselling is useful.

This! Older parents are often warned of the risks but they were never 0 to begin with. It's something that we should all consider regardless of our age at conception.

You can't possibly say what you would have done in the circumstances described!

Yes that’s hilarious. When I go to class parents evenings for my 9 year old (had baby at 43). I am roughly the same age as perhaps 60% of the parents there!

When you say partner, what are your living / financial arrangements etc?

Can you go it alone? You say your career has taken off so can you get in help? A nanny / cleaner / housekeeper etc.

Can you live separately with the baby to save him the sleepless nights??

He's 60, so not old really but he'll be 70 and baby will be 10. My 11 year old and I have so much fun together at the theatre / movies etc. my DH is old before his time. We let him pick and choose what he wants to join in with.