Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

He was stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a woman who had not yet gone through the menopause, so don't feel too sorry for him. If you want the baby, have the baby, but be realistic about what it would mean for your life, career and relationship.

I think it is sad you are scared to tell him. If he really loves you then he will be willing to work it out together. That means doing what is best for you too. He has a responsibility for birth control just as much as you do so this isn't your fault. If you always wanted a child this may be your chance. If he loves you he will be willing to make sacrifices too.

OP, my mum was 42 when she had me and I've turned out alright and no one mistook her for my nan!

I had a loving upbringing (yes my mum was always the 'older mum' but times have changed now and I think it's really common from women to be having babies later) I would say go for it especially as you seem excited and could be your chance at being a mother.

Please don't feel stupid, it takes two to tango and he must have been aware it might have been a possibility?

Wishing you the best whatever you decide x

I'm not making any assumptions at all - it's common sense to say that you can't know what you would or would not do in a given situation seeing as you are not in that situation. Pipe down yourself!! I don't think I would want to know you, so that's just fine.

I had my 2nd just before I was 36, and my 3rd when I was 40, and I think your cut-off of 35 is arbitrary and ludicrous.

It's worth reiterating: if he feels like that, then tough shit. That's the risk men take when they have unprotected sex with a woman.

Three choices. Adoption. Have the baby. Termination.

Personally I would terminate. I was a child of older parents and they both died when I was young (teen and late 20s). I never wanted to increase the odds of dying while my DCs were still children or making their way in the world.
Obivously anything could happen to anyone, but odds are increased with older parents. Plus risk of disability is higher with older sperm/egg.

And the odds against that happening are still higher than it happening.

Fuck me, I doubt the OP is thinking of adoption!

My friend sacrificed the chance of a baby for her man. She really regrets it now and ironically, so does he. He waited until they were married before he told her he didn't want kids.

I would have the baby. He can decide if he stays or not.

I would say think about the baby, not you.

Of course we can't predict or prevent a lot of what happens to our kids once they're born, but you'll be knowingly bringing a child into this world with someone who is almost guaranteed not to be there for their entire adult life.

What proportion of men fuck off into the ether having produced a child?

Nobody's dad is there for "their entire adult life" unless both parties die tragically together fgs!

I'd never plan to get pregnant in my 40s. But in your situation, I'd accept it and go for it, happily!!
I love my children way more than I could ever love a man. This baby will be your whole world and you might find the relationship doesn't work out, but you'll be a mum and that's a gift. It's the love of a lifetime.

I hope your pregnancy progresses healthily. If you so wish.

Oh I agree. Just making the point for others.

My best friend at junior school's dad was much older than her mum, think 65 when she was born to her mum's 40 or so. He was definitely pushing 70 when I met him at 5. He was still helping us build go-carts, taking us to the park, playing with us etc. In fact sadly her mum died first. A old dad, if on board, is not a problem per se.

The question here is if now it's a reality, he'll be on board.

I had my second baby at 44 (planned). Easy pregnancy, it hasn't impacted my career too significantly as I managed to get to quite a senior level before having kids since I left it so late, obviously life changes after a baby but I still very much have my own life. I know a lot of older mums and dads, it's not unusual in my circle. My husband was early 50s when our kids were born, he's an extremely hands on and active dad and I know a couple of dads who were 60. Talk to your partner first, you don't need to decide immediately and at 43 the chance of miscarriage is unfortunately high anyway so wait a couple of weeks before doing anything.

Remember, OP, anecdotes are just that. All could be well with pregnancy and birth, you could have a healthy child, all could be well with you as a single mother.
However. There are many variables. If you need to consider your options you could always get counselling. People do regret having a child, it's taboo because of how much motherhood gets fetishised.
You must do what's best for you.

Op you sound like you want this baby, that's a huge thing to give up for him.
You haven't actually told him yet so you don't know how he is going to react. I wish you luck, I think you should speak to your partner, he could surprise you.

It sounds like most negativity about the pregnancy is based around his feelings, not yours. You sacrificed having a child at all - for him. Are you always so self sacrificial with him? You don't want him to have to change nappies again, but would you love to have a child? You have been given an opportunity for you to choose what is best for your life.

I think you have to prioritise yourself and what you want/ need? Would you be willing to bring this child up alone? Would your relationship bring you more happiness or having this child, over the long term? It's very hard to think like that but I think you need to try.

How can you possibly know she won't regret it? Plenty of people do regret having children.

I had mine at 45, lots of people are having babies closer to 40 than 30 due to the tests now telling you a reliable yes or no for downs and Edward’s
they say you regret the things you don’t do
high chance of miscarriage di decision may be taken out if your hands

Honestly your gut tells you what you want to do. I fell pregnant a few years ago about the same age but miscarried. I have older children and was panicking as I didn’t really want to do it all again it turns out so all worked out but I knew in my gut how I felt. It sounds like you know in your gut you want to do it and ultimately if you go against your feelings for your partner you would regret it. But you have time to think it through. Don’t rush into a hasty decision.

Have you told him yet?

Absolutely. There was a thread on here where some women admitted to this - they'd never do so in real life. Some of the stories were heartbreaking.

You need to think of you, and what you want, not him. You said yourself he's had this chance. If you want it, don't rob yourself of it because of what someone else doesn't want. He's old enough to know it's a risk when he has sex with a woman.