Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Exactly! The autistic children and adults I know all have parents who had them in their 20's and 30's. It's possible at any age, just as DS and other conditions are

Yes, there are studies suggesting an increased risk of autism for older parents and there's a higher risk of chromosomal issues than with younger parents but the odds of having a healthy baby still far outweigh the alternative.

MN posters go on as if every single pregnant woman over 40 is suddenly going to be ancient in 10 years time with a heavily disabled and autistic child. It's ignorance really.

Jeezos - some of these comments are savage!

It won’t be easy having a baby at 43 but neither is having a baby at 23 and nothing worth having is ever easy. It’ll no doubt be a shock to him - as it was to you - but he’s played his part. Discuss it, give it time to sink in and make your decisions once you know how you both truly feel.

My daughter is the light of my life and if I had the choice to have her at 43 or not at all there’s no question which option I’d choose. You sound like you have your life together and maybe the timing is just perfect for you.

There are no guarantees in life and I hope that all these scaremongering comments don’t put you off doing what’s truly right for you. After all you’re more likely to have a healthy happy baby than you are not to. There are plenty of women who have surprise ‘change of life babies’!

I have a 16yr age gap relationship and my husband adores our daughter too and says she/we help keep him young. Granted, he’s early 60s now and not late 70s.

Take care

I fervently believe in women making their own choices! What a thing to say you "fervently believe in abortion" - that's a bit gross actually! I believe in the right to choose absolutely but I would never, ever try to coerce a woman to have an abortion, particularly one she didn't want!

I think you could do with some counselling actually!

Sacrificing the chance to have a child, simply because your partner didn't want any more, wasn't the best choice to make. At that point, you should have found someone else. My sister-in-law did exactly the same, her husband cheated and they divorced and it was too late for her to try with someone else, as she was too old. Her first words to me on discovering he'd been unfaithful were 'I gave up the chance to have kids for him'. A decision she deeply regrets. I think you would have a terrible problem, coming to terms with a termination, because deep down you want a baby. No one else can make this decision for you. I know several people who had babies at 42, 43 and 44, who had successful pregnancies, and healthy babies. There are always risks being older, and yes you do have a higher percentage of miscarriage, disabilities etc.

I know, it's insane!!

I think you should stop worrying about everything else and concentrate on if you want this baby. You say you sacrificed for your older partner so it makes me think you would have wanted with a different partner. Once you know if you want this baby for yourself you can then think of your partner and him possibly walking out and you becoming single mum/him staying and being much older dad in your child's life. When you tell him he might surprise you by wanting this baby, or he doesn't.

Missing the point but being peirmenopausal doesn't mean you can't get pregnant. It's only once you've reached menopause that you can't pregnant, and by this it means you've not had a period for an entire calendar year if you're over 50, and two whole calendar years if you're under 50.

Even so OP, it must have come as a shock, but hopefully a pleasant surprise. Wishing you well whatever you decide it best for you. Ultimately, it's your choice.

So true - I had young parents and I still thought my mum was very old fashioned and out of touch when I was a teenager (she wasn't 😅)

@HardenYourHeart Not great how? Because my Mum was 20 when she had me and that scenario wasn't all that amazing either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok. I am not trying to coerce the OP. Which is why I suggested counselling.

But anyone who says the age of parents is irrelevant for autism is misleading. It's simply not true.

OP, personally, I would have the baby.
You've said you'd "sacrificed" your chance to have a baby for your partner. You've also said a part of you is excited at the prospect of having a baby.
I think you know in your heart what you want to do. However, regardless of what you choose, you're going to have to talk to your partner.
He's said he doesn't want anymore children...could he have changed his mind? Does he know that you 'sacrificed' your chance of having children for him?

My dad was 45 when he had me, mum was 33 so a bit younger. Do I worry sometimes about loosing my dad? yes but it doesn't dominate my life and growing up It felt no different to anyone else's dad. Do what is best for you but don't let worry about being an older parent be the final decider, it's what you make it.

Many women have babies at your age, op, and continue with their careers, often with an absenurnt partner.

In your place, as you said you have always wanted a baby, I would have it and do my best. I think if you had a termination you would feel awful and probably not forgive your husband.

I do understand him not wanting any more children but such things happen all the time and can turn into a real blessing. If it doesn't, you don't have to stay with him, you can go it alone; an independent career woman with a child, like many others.

Take good care of yourself, please, and don't do anything hasty. You'll have to tell your man sooner or later, be gentle. He may not react as badly as you anticipate but he has to know.

Good luck and keep us up to date with your progress.

Sending a big hug OP. What a shock. I had twins at 43 (God's little joke after years of IVF). I'm now 56 and single parent (ex was a tool) to 13 year olds and it's awesome. You've only just found out. You could just try 'sitting' with your own feelings for a while. It's an awful lot to process and you may feel calmer over the next few days as you think about the reality of it all. xx

@Babybelle81 if you want the baby, have the baby. It’s a wild but fun ride.
its already against the odds to accidentally fall pregnant when there’s limited fertile days etc as we age.

your career will be there afterwards. If you’ve got money get a nanny or nightsupport to help with the wakings. Each month gets easier than the last with night wakings and it’s probably 1-3 years out of the whole of your life, to have something you’ve always wanted. But if you can outsource everything!!

congratulations and also age is no guarantee of anything. I know two families who sadly lost their mothers to illness at 40 and early 40s. So tomorrow is never guaranteed. I hear you but I would do what I wanted. I’d explain to partner he doesn’t need to be involved. He didn’t have a vasectomy so always a risk.

however you will need support as they are 24/7 the first couple of years, but so is the love. So just outsource, plan and then decide. Best of luck. Don’t feel shame- it happens to the best of people. But your body your choice. Always.

Which nobody actually said at all....???

I have two friends with ‘older’ parents who were very much loved and wanted and had a great relationship.

Babies can be lovely. So can toddlers, preteens, and teens. Mine were. The baby years can be hard, though I didn’t find them too difficult. Then come school runs, drop off and pick ups, and Saturday mornings spent in the freezing rain watching them play sport. Ferrying than around ( depending on what your local public transport is like). Sometimes it seems like the older they get, the more time you spend doing things for them. Dropping them places, picking them up. Preparing breakfast lunch and dinner for the first 10 or so years is a total pita! Then of course after that you only have to worry about dinner, but it means you can’t decide on a whim to go out.

If you don’t have an involved partner, your career will take a hit. It just will. And you will be resentful, not just because of your career, but because you will be doing ALL of the grunt work. I don’t know what else to say. If I were in your shoes I’d probably go ahead. You don’t know what you don’t know. But knowing what I know? I don’t think I would.

Having older parents who are financially secure and able to prioritise a baby/child is far from the end of the world. Besides which I fell accidentally pregnant with my third earlier this year and have just given birth. I am younger than you but only a few years that are not meaningful in terms of life expectancy/healthiness. You might feel you are quite old to have your first but you’re not much older than a lot of professional mums who have 2+ children.

You cannot have an abortion for someone else so really you only need to take your own thoughts and feelings into consideration. Besides which your partner is old enough to know how not to get you pregnant and you are not responsible at this stage for unilaterally taking measures to prevent him becoming a dad again.

Oh I can as there was no way I was having children over the age of 35. You don’t know me but here you are making assumptions about a randomer on the internet. I can wholeheartedly say there is no way I would have a child at 43 so pipe down.

Awwww OP, please don’t feel stupid.
i think every woman I know closely has had an unexpected pregnancy! It happens a lot.
I thought I had food poisoning with one of them.

I promise you if you have this baby it will be the greatest gift and you won't regret it for a second.

How can you possibly know that?

Can you imagine the worst case scenario? I'd imagine this is your DP opting out, leaving you.

With a combined parental age of over 100, my worst case scenario would be a child with severe SN that I was parenting solo.

If I’m honest, I think all of these people who are saying you’ll regret it if you don’t have it are projecting their feelings. You say you wanted a baby-did you actually want to have children-a baby is easy to look after with 2 committed parents who both want it but not easy in your circumstances. I’m not surprised you don’t want to tell him-most 60 year olds will be horrified at the thought of being a new parent. To be 75 when they’re a teen.I’m surprised you thought you were past it-the average age of menopause is 50. How did your conversation about contraception go? What method were you using? Did it fail? If you are desperate to have children and are clear eyed about what it would involve-you may be raising the child as a single parent and to do that properly is very hard-then you’ll have to have a conversation with your DP. The sooner the better.
I was 47 when I met my dh who quite wanted a child with me. I had my own-and told him in no uncertain terms if that’s what he wanted, to find someone else because it wasn’t happening. If my contraception had failed I would’ve aborted as soon as I could. Can you see yourself doing that? Or is this something you cannot bear to do? Is your career doable if you have to be a single parent? Is it doable if you’re not? Talk to your DP.

I wouldn’t have a baby at 43, but many would and I am not you.

I am concerned about the child though. Their dad will be 70 when they are only 10. 60 is old to have a child, and if he doesn’t want a baby you have to accept that you will be doing this alone. Would you be happy with that?