Pregnant but baby's dad won't let me have a termination

[OneHeartyScroller]

Hi,
First time posting. Really need some advice!
I am currently very early on in pregnancy after failed contraception. I have spoken to the baby's dad about it and he is determined I am not to have a termination. I really don't think I am ready for a child at the moment, but he is determined I am going to have his child. Me and the dad are not together but he says he will support me and we can co-parent the child. Advice please??

Why are you even listening to him?

Your body, your life, your choice.

Get that embryo out of your womb as soon as you can, this man will use it as a means to control you for the next 20 years.

Don't give him that weapon against you.

What a tricky situation. If it were the other way round, we’d say let the woman keep her baby if she wants to. Apparently fathers get less rights simply because they don’t carry the child but it takes two to make one. I’m not sure where you go with this OP, a difficult situation for both of you. Ultimately it’s your choice but I wouldn’t discount his opinion just because he’s the father. Ultimately it is your decision, he can’t stop you.

You do what you want to do and then tell him you miscarried.

This is not a good basis to start a co parenting relationship with his lack of respect for your choice.

Miscarriages happen all the time sadly, he can google to find out and I say tht as someone who had 4.

Good for you for deciding to do what you feel is best for you, op.

Until this government can guarantee fathers must and will be fully legally and financially responsible for their offspring alongside the mother no man can expect a mother to just blindly trust he will "always be there to take care of the child".

But I didn't do what was best for me. All I had was a 'cousin' (fostered) who'd had a baby at 14 who was adopted by the dad's family, who took me to the Brook Advisory Service for a chat, and my DM and her DM (nana) who both had had illegal abortions when they were younger. I wanted the baby. I knew it wasn't the best time for me, but I wanted it. No chance. I was told by family that my life would be over if I did have it and it would wake my stepdad with crying. I found out later that my nana could've bought me a flat then but was discouraged from doing so by my DM. So I basically had an abortion and then a year later my best friend at 18 had her first baby. And then when I got pregnant and was engaged I had a miscarriage at almost 5 months. And then fertility issues in my 30s. So really I think I lost my only chance or one of them. My best friend had similar experience, in a relationship long term, got pregnant in her late 20s but was encouraged by partner to have a termination as not right time for both of them, they were together 13 years in total. Years later at 52 like me, I think she regrets having the abortion as she's not had kids later on for various reasons.

Thankyou everyone. I have booked an appointment Thankyou to everyone for their kind wishes. And thankyou to everyone for their help xx

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain, I'm so sorry you went through all of that.

Yeah, well. Hindsight is a great thing. I really thought I'd have kids later but turned out not. Who knows, I could've hated and regretted having a baby at 17, but when you're told emphatically, no, that sucks a bit. And then when I found out later my nana had said she'd buy me a 2 bedroom flat (she had the money to do so) when I thought I'd have to rent (couldn't afford it!) or go into council accommodation that really made me mad with my DM as she vetoed that. But such is life.

I mean, I wouldn't discourage people from having abortions, but I would urge them to think, if they really wanted a baby then and don't just do what I did which was sleepwalk through it all and be guided by a 'cousin' who was being guided by my family herself! The cousin actually had 2 other young children (boys) at the time but separated from her DH and got divorced later then remarried and at 40 had her daughter, her first daughter who was 'adopted' by the father's family she had always missed out on and wondered what happened to her.

Just say you've had a miscarriage

Why should she lie? She has the perfect right to have an abortion. I don't think she actually needs to tell him anything at all, the matter is now closed for discussion. OP, I'm so glad you have booked your appointment. Neither he nor anyone else has the right to tell you whether you should terminate a pregnancy or not.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that she shouldn't have to lie, BUT if it will make her life easier in any way - if he's shown any tendency of being aggressive, for example - maybe it's for the best.

Most important thing is OP doing what's right for her, right now.

Tell him to fuck off

Please keep posting whenever you need support.

Good luck xx

To be frank, it wasn't a good idea to tell him you were pregnant when you 1. aren't even together, and 2. weren't keen to have a child.
Why did you tell him? All it's done is complicated an already potentially difficult time. If you're ever in the situation again FFS don't tell them unless you are sure you want to keep it!

Good luck OP, your body, absolutely your choice

It was failed contraception. Simple.

OP if you have booked an appointment for a termination please come back to the thread and let us know how you are. I think I speak for pretty much everyone when I say we’re here to support you, both through the decision you’ve made and whatever comes next. Sending an unmumsnetty hug and hand hold.

Not something I would normally advocate having had miscarriages but if he asks say you had a miscarriage. I would worry what his reaction might be otherwise.

Dont know where to start with this. Men have bodily autonomy, women have bodily autonomy. If a man somehow managed to conceive a baby, it's up to him if he carries it.

The bit men get a choice about is who to have sex with and what contraception to use, and how involved to be when a baby comes along.

Can you imagine if women told men what to do with their bodies? You're only allowed to wank on a wednesday, can't wear cargo pants and have to give up dry roasted peanuts? You can only have penetrative sex in a full moon?

@OneHeartyScroller just want to wish you the best.

Its not an easy decision and being under pressure like this from a man you’re not even in a relationship with sure has made things much harder.