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Original poster

Pregnant but baby's dad won't let me have a termination

220 replies

OneHeartyScroller · 28/02/2024 23:03

Hi,
First time posting. Really need some advice!
I am currently very early on in pregnancy after failed contraception. I have spoken to the baby's dad about it and he is determined I am not to have a termination. I really don't think I am ready for a child at the moment, but he is determined I am going to have his child. Me and the dad are not together but he says he will support me and we can co-parent the child. Advice please??

OP posts:
BCBird · 29/02/2024 05:24

He does not even have a right to express an opinion as far as i can see, u are not even together. It was a result of failed contraception. When u had sex you were not trying to conceive

Tilllly · 29/02/2024 05:38

Tatonka · 28/02/2024 23:08

Unless he's willing to adopt the baby and raise the baby on his own full time, he has no say

Even then, he has no say at this stage. None.

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 05:40

Lwrenn · 29/02/2024 05:00

@Tatonka the man rightly has no say. Not their body going through pregancy or birth, not their choice what happens.

Op have a termination ASAP, tell him you miscarried and just block him. He sounds really controlling. You do not want to invite a controlling man into your life for 18 years, regardless of the pregancy.

Continuing this pregancy is a terrible idea and I'm not someone who takes termination lightly, but in this instance I'd be doing absolutely everything in my power to rid me of this man.

I agree OP should terminate if she wants to, but it's quite harsh to assume that the father has no feelings. We can't have it both ways, men who should step up if they make someone pregnant, yet also men have no say in the matter.

FixTheBone · 29/02/2024 05:55

You'll never have a better chance to get rid of this guy.

Do what you want for you, and tell him that it's such a large difference in feeling as to be irreconcilable in any kind of sustainable relationship.

LostittoBostik · 29/02/2024 06:03

It's your decision only.

Mothering is not like fathering. It will be you that sacrifices the next 20 years. Do not do it unwillingly.

Wholettherabbitsout · 29/02/2024 06:07

Have the termination, and lie through your teeth to him. Tell him you miscarried. And then yes, get far away from him and never talk to him again.

Wholettherabbitsout · 29/02/2024 06:26

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 01:30

I genuinely think the father should get some say in the matter as it is their baby, so that's why I think this would be the only reasonable option, he basically does everything

Show quote history

Have you thought through what this would look like in practice? Needing signed permission from your husband to get an abortion? If you’re not married do they just take your word for it about who the father is? What happens if you get pregnant following rape? What happens if a woman is pregnant and wants a termination and says it was rape and the man says it was consensual sex?
In a healthy relationship, you can argue it’s fair that women should have a discussion with their partner before terminating. But ultimately, women are the ones who have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Childbirth is the single most dangerous thing I’ve ever done. Unless you’re into skydiving it’s quite likely the most dangerous thing many women will do in their lifetime.
Men cannot have a say about their children until they are born and separate from the mother, because doing otherwise would give men rights over women’s bodies and healthcare.

AimeeLou84 · 29/02/2024 06:39

The same as what everyone else has said. Your body, your choice. At the end of the day you are the one who is going to be solely responsible for bringing up the baby whether he co parents or not. It’s your life that will change forever not his

MoreLidlThanWaitrose · 29/02/2024 06:41

He’s controlling, potentially abusive. I would’ve have his baby if I were you. I’d also be inclined to say you miscarried.

RedHelenB · 29/02/2024 06:42

Tatonka · 28/02/2024 23:08

Unless he's willing to adopt the baby and raise the baby on his own full time, he has no say

OP is not a surrogate. Her body, her choice of she wants a pregnancy

TwylaSands · 29/02/2024 06:43

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 05:40

I agree OP should terminate if she wants to, but it's quite harsh to assume that the father has no feelings. We can't have it both ways, men who should step up if they make someone pregnant, yet also men have no say in the matter.

Show quote history

we absolutely can have it both ways.

If men get someone pregnant and there is a resulting child, they absolutely need to be a parent. Ibut they absolutely do not get to make the final decision on continuing the pregnancy. This shouldn't be new information to men who are having sex.

Men can be effectively in control of their own contraception.

D1LL1GAF · 29/02/2024 06:55

We keep getting these threads. Same theme of DH or DP not wanting female to get an abortion. Poster then leaves not answering any post.

This is a fake post or an AI bot I think 🤔

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 06:59

Wholettherabbitsout · 29/02/2024 06:26

Have you thought through what this would look like in practice? Needing signed permission from your husband to get an abortion? If you’re not married do they just take your word for it about who the father is? What happens if you get pregnant following rape? What happens if a woman is pregnant and wants a termination and says it was rape and the man says it was consensual sex?
In a healthy relationship, you can argue it’s fair that women should have a discussion with their partner before terminating. But ultimately, women are the ones who have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Childbirth is the single most dangerous thing I’ve ever done. Unless you’re into skydiving it’s quite likely the most dangerous thing many women will do in their lifetime.
Men cannot have a say about their children until they are born and separate from the mother, because doing otherwise would give men rights over women’s bodies and healthcare.

Show quote history

Agree with this. I didn't mean a legal say, just that his feelings shouldn't be completely dismissed as some are doing here. I think it works both ways that's all.

liveforsummer · 29/02/2024 07:03

He's already showing signs of how he would be if the baby were born and I suspect that it won't be supportive. He sounds controlling and you'd be best off far away from him by the sounds of it. He cannot tell you what to do with your body. This is your decision solely

Direstraightsagain · 29/02/2024 07:07

You’re not together.
you aren’t ready.
its not fair to bring a baby you’re not ready for into the world, especially based on a verbal commitment with someone you have no ties to.
not sure why you engaged him in the first place or are paying so much attention his needs over yours, are you trying to tie him to you?

fightingthedogforadonut · 29/02/2024 07:10

If he's this controlling now, imagine what a hold he would have over your life if you were tied down with a young baby.

Do what YOU need to do, OP

SiobhanSharpe · 29/02/2024 07:13

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 01:30

I genuinely think the father should get some say in the matter as it is their baby, so that's why I think this would be the only reasonable option, he basically does everything

Show quote history

@Tatonka but that's impossible, isn't it? He cannot carry the foetus nor give birth to it. And promises of support frankly after the birth aren't worth the paper they won't be written on.
If the op decides on a termination that's the end of the matter.

WaltzingWaters · 29/02/2024 07:23

Please do what is right by YOU. It’s your body, your choice, and ultimately, you’ll be the one who ends up with a baby whilst he could very much end up paying minimum maintenance and see the baby once in a blue moon.

He sounds controlling and not someone it will be nice co-parenting with.

You don’t have to tell him you’ve booked a termination, just don’t engage him further besides telling him once (then block him) that you have lost the baby (whether you say you’ve miscarried or had an abortion depends on what you want to do and how you think he’ll react).

Fraaahnces · 29/02/2024 07:24

I agree that you must do what feels right for you. You have a long life ahead of you. Do you want him involved in your life for major events and decisions until your kid is an adult (and later for weddings, etc?). If you have the kid he is part of your life - even if it’s simply chasing him constantly for promised child support.

TeaGinandFags · 29/02/2024 07:28

Terminate him!

When men get pregnant they can make the decision.

Do what you need to do and ignore his nonsense. He's a controlling bastard and will use this baby to run your life for you.

If you're not ready then don't do it. An early termination is a safe and easy termination and will leave you free to find someone who will want the best for you. This man is not in your life and shouldn't be allowed to dictate what happens.

Take care and go ahead. If he acts up it was a miscarriage. What's he going to do? Bugger all, that's what.

Jl2014 · 29/02/2024 07:35

He doesn’t get to have a say. It’s your choice. Stay away from him and make your decision without pressure.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 07:43

AS you're not together it's a shame that you told him, but it's done now. I agree with others that the decision is yours to make.

Ansjovis · 29/02/2024 07:44

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 06:59

Agree with this. I didn't mean a legal say, just that his feelings shouldn't be completely dismissed as some are doing here. I think it works both ways that's all.

Show quote history

This is a reasonable position on a situation where there is a middle ground, a compromise. Here there is no such third option and so it does not apply.

Lwrenn · 29/02/2024 07:45

Tatonka · 29/02/2024 05:40

I agree OP should terminate if she wants to, but it's quite harsh to assume that the father has no feelings. We can't have it both ways, men who should step up if they make someone pregnant, yet also men have no say in the matter.

Show quote history

He can have feelings - they're just irrelevant.

He can go to therapy to deal with the sadness etc and I do sympathise with anyone being sad over the end of a pregancy, it's awful. But his feelings don't get to keep a woman pregnant. That's a very dangerous slope x

kiwiane · 29/02/2024 07:47

Good luck - act as soon as you can do and hope all goes well for you. I had a termination as a student and it was the right decision for me.