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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
breathequietly · 12/12/2023 20:18

How do you feel about it OP? Do you want the baby?

GoodVibesHere · 12/12/2023 20:21

Gosh I think he might be even more annoyed to hear you've had a scan or that you've known a while before telling him. I guess you need to be careful there.

Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:24

Yes I do

OP posts:
Marshmallowtoastie · 12/12/2023 20:26

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.
thats a big statement from someone who failed to get the snip. Lovely that he feels he can make medical demands on you though, and also your certainty that he will ruin Christmas for your existing children too, he sounds a delight.

Decide what you want to do first, consider if you can do it alone also in case he leaves / is so unbearable that you leave. And make your own decision then tell him what’s happening. It’s best to be sure yourself so you’re not pushed by him sulking and being horrible into a decision you’re potentially unhappy with.
Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate. He knew the risk he was taking. It’s not his place to now demand what you do. Good luck op

GotMooMilk · 12/12/2023 20:28

I would tell him sooner rather than later. At the end of the day if you’re having sex there’s a risk but if you’re using condoms correctly you’ve been unlucky (from his perspective).

Id just be honest. Acknowledge his feelings and understand it will take him a long time to come around.

terraced · 12/12/2023 20:28

Would he be more annoyed that you waited to tell him? Or would he appreciate not knowing until New Year to give a more peaceful /relaxing Christmas?

PlipPlopChoo · 12/12/2023 20:28

How many do you already have?

Silverbirchtwo · 12/12/2023 20:28

Have the baby if you want it, if he doesn't he can do the other thing. I might say now and say get on with it, but if you want him to not be an arse over Christmas tell him afterwards. He made it as much as you he should realise just 'getting rid of it' is traumatic and should be for him too.

Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:29

Yes I see your point. In normal circumstances yes maybe if it was our first, but these aren't normal circumstances. He wouldn't want to accompany me.

In a previous pregnancy due to COVID I had to go to all scans alone, and he was unbothered about it. He could come to others if he chose to in the future.

I've also previously kept pregnancies quiet for many weeks to surprise him on his birthday for example, so it's the news, rather than the not telling him that's going to cause an issue although like I said, it still feels weird (because of the reason I'm keeping it to myself)

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/12/2023 20:29

How far along do you think you are, and when is the scan booked for?

I understand what you mean about Christmas, would it be doable for you to 'find out' you're pregnant in early Jan?

I agree going to a scan and having tests without him knowing, then presenting him with a fait accompli could make it all much worse.

VivaVivaa · 12/12/2023 20:29

I think you should tell him sooner than after Xmas. The longer you wait the more various options are withdrawn from you. Waiting isn’t going to change the outcome, if anything it might make it worse. Sounds like another child doesn’t feature in his life plans no matter the circumstances and he therefore should have taken agency over his own contraception.

Have a vague idea for all scenarios. If he says he’ll walk, force the sale of the family home and go for 50:50 care of the kids you currently have would that change things for example? Don’t go into telling him without having a clear-ish idea of what your priorities are.

Good luck, sounds a really desperate situation.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 12/12/2023 20:30

He has no right to say you should get an abortion when he wouldn't get the snip! I would tell him ASAP but be very strong, don't take any nonsense or sulking and don't let him make you carry all the responsibility for this.

beetr00 · 12/12/2023 20:32

@Rainbowdaisys

May I ask your and his age and also how many children you currently have and their ages?

Redannie118 · 12/12/2023 20:32

Sorry op but your husband is vile. Sit him down and tell him you are pregnant because he failed to protect you from pregnancy. He refused a invasive, painful procedure to ensure you had no further children, so you have the right to do the same. He can stay and be a man, or run away from the mess he created like a snivelling coward. If he treats you badly or leaves you will not hesitate to tell all friends/family/colleagues/SM exactly what hes done.

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 20:33

OP he has absoloutley no say on whether you should have an abortion. No one does. It is your choice and yours alone.

If you decide (or are in the mindset of) to continue the pregnancy, you probably need to do so on the basis that the relationship would end (which frankly if my dh tried to use abortion as a forced birth control on me, I would end it!).

He doesn't want babies - he gets the snip.

I'm of the mind that any woman should be able to have a safe abortion at any point in her pregnancy for any reason whatsoever - as long as it is her choice.

You can't force him to get the snip. He can't force you to get an abortion.

Deathbyfluffy · 12/12/2023 20:36

Looking at it pragmatically, can you comfortably afford to have another child?
It’s a point that is often missed in these kind of situations, but should be a major consideration.

Elphamouche · 12/12/2023 20:46

Well he’s a selfish prick. Sorry, if you absolutely don’t want another child, get the snip or deal with the consequences. An abortion isn’t just a throw away thing. What a wanker.

Tell him, tell him your choice (your body, your choice!) and then tell him to step up or fuck off.

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 12/12/2023 20:52

Why the hell would he be furious when it's essentially his fault?!

I've said to my dh that if he doesn't want any more kids then he'll have to get the snip or take the risk.

He sounds like a bellend tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2023 20:55

Just tell him. You know you want the baby. You know it won’t really matter when you tell him. What’s the worst he’ll do?

rosyglowcondition · 12/12/2023 20:56

If you want to keep the baby, your plan is the right one. If he was so adamant he should have had the snip. Leave it until after Christmas.

beetr00 · 12/12/2023 20:57

@Rainbowdaisys

Actually, I see you're in your 40's, not excusing his reaction though

Dontbehorridhenry · 12/12/2023 20:57

How dare he tell you you have to get an abortion, but he won't get the snip.

When you tell him do not for a second let him put all the blame on you.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 12/12/2023 21:02

I had a similar situation albeit 17 years ago now.
dh was supposed to have had a vasectomy after our second child but chickened out. He knew I was no longer on the pill and still preferred not to use condoms so it was inevitable that it would happen.

I had made it clear if it happened I wouldn’t get a termination. We had a huge row when I told him and I told him he could leave.

we are still married and he says he doesn’t regret staying or having our daughter. But I do have some resentment at the way he treated me when he found out. He said I was trapping him! I said what was I trapping him for we already had two children and married what difference was one more. At the time finances weren’t an issue.

janey125N · 12/12/2023 21:16

This is beyond messed up. He sounds awful. It is leaving him you should be planning.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 12/12/2023 21:29

If you were using condoms I can't see how he can possibly blame you. It's 100pc down to him?

Ditto Pink Glitter Unicorn, how can that possibly have been your fault?