How do I break the news to my husband?

[Rainbowdaisys]

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

It is not unreasonable that he doesn't want any more children. It is not unreasonable for his preference to be that you have an abortion and for him to make that clear.

However, it absolutely is unreasonable for him to tell you that you must have an abortion. It is your body and your choice. It is also unreasonable of him not to have a vasectomy when he is so adamantly against having more kids. It is also unreasonable of him not to take full responsibility for what has happened when HE was the one who was dealing with contraception. Unless you've been poking holes in condoms with a pin, this is pretty much entirely on him. He didn't have a vasectomy and he apparently can't use a condom properly (which isn't even bloody difficult, I mean, good grief).

Pretty sure no-one held a gun to his head and forced him to have sex either. Nothing worse that people who believe in rights without responsibilities.

I'd wait until after Christmas to tell him too and if you want to keep the baby, that's what you tell him.

I think you’re doing the right thing in telling him sooner than later. I’d go in with the angry approach another poster mentioned.

He has no right to be angry with you. You however have every right to be angry with him. He could have prevented this by having a vasectomy, he has no excuse, yes it is invasive and painful for a while afterwards but compared to pregnancy and childbirth, a vasectomy is a walk in the park.
His family have no right to blame you for the pregnancy, it is non of their business and if they do, I’d be very frank and tell them to put the blame where it belongs, on him. Their son is man now and is as equally responsible for contraception as you are.

I know it’s missing the point of the thread, but I’m impressed that you have the energy to have sex while you are looking after 4 children including 2 year old twins!

Did you have a lockdown pregnancy and birth? Do you think he has trauma from being so helpless at that time?

how will you hide not drinking any alcohol over Christmas OP?

@TheGhostOfTheOpera The Pill isn't the only other option for women, by a long way. Coils, with or without hormones, other barrier methods, or even sterilisation.

The point is they BOTH took a risk.

I have my suspicions that the condom wasn't used properly.

If he's incapable of wearing one properly, then he shouldn't be too surprised.

We don't know exactly why it failed. Only the OP knows exactly what they did.

I don't like men being called 'vile' for not supporting an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy.

The problem here is the OP didn't want to abort (even before she became pregnant) whereas he clearly did.

They need to talk to each other and find a way forward. He may well feel differently knowing she's pregnant.

Perhaps this thread can move forwards and consider the implications on the other children in addition to the opinions of the parents. Maybe 6 pages of arguing about responsibility and blame is enough? There is no new ground to cover in that regard.

I could never be with, or even worse be married to someone who would make me terminate our child.

I get that people don't want kids, or don't want anymore kids but he entered into an act that has caused a pregnancy.

If my husband encourage us to terminate our healthy baby, even if it wasn't planned, that would be the end for me.

I think everyone involved is at fault here. You both already have four children and you've both been careless with contraception. I think it's reasonable of him not to want a fifth to be honest, unless you're celebrity rich and pulling in megabucks. If you're at home, he's responsible for supporting a huge family and that's just not fair on one person. It is ultimately your choice to continue or not. What a mess.

Op, I know you will dismiss my post as you have your husband on an unbelievably high (undeserved)pedestal and only see him through rose tinted spectacles. So I'm posting in the hope that whilst you can't see it now, you might keep this thread when you can see more clearly in the future.

This is not a good man. Like a poster upthread said, he's a good man AS LONG AS he gets exactly what he wants.

Yours is not a healthy relationship. You both believe you are inferior to him. And yet you should be equal. Your opinions are as valid. A couple of examples - you detailed at the beginning you had no choice but to become a sahp bevause he didn't want to be. That's not fair. If you wanted 50/50 you are perfectly within your rights to get 50/50 with both of you having a part time job.
Next example - you can get an abortion. Honestly op - how fucking dare he demand that?!? It is abhorrent. He is making ALL the major decisions in your house for his own benefit and you are rolling over with your tongue hanging out.

I love the idea above and being angry with him about this to break it to him. It is after all entirely his fault. But we all know you won't. You wouldn't dare. Even though it's obviously fine for him to be angry and ruin your families Christmas. Because he is superior to you all and his wants must come first.

Nonsense. No one's finances are fixed for life.

Congratulations op, to be honest and slightly brutal it's not up to your husband its down to you as you are carrying the baby. A baby that you want. You will need to tell him straight that you want to keep the baby and let him make his decision.

It's so hard isn't it. I hope all works out hun

I reckon this is the best approach.

Why is all the blame being put on HIM???

He did his part by wearing a condom. OP could have taken the pill, got the implant, injection, coil... Saying this is his fault for not having the snip is like saying it's OP's fault for not having her tubes tied.

@BlazingJune yes that’s why I mentioned the coil too.

Im not quite with you re sterilisation. The OP wasn’t as adamant about not having any more dcs. She has a full on life at home with a child with SN that is homeschooled and twins who aren’t at nursery yet.
Having major abdominal surgery (which is what sterilisation is fir women) in those conditions would have been tricky to say the least.
and all vs a minor surgery for her DH…

I agree with @MargotBamborough .
They both took the same risk but she is happy to deal with that risk when he isn’t. That’s not ok.

@PlipPlopChoo agree that the discussion has gone astray a bit.
But in the other side, I’d hope that the discussion can help the OP see both sides, incl how POTENTIALLY her DH is OR is not to blame etc… (esp as she says that she feels guilty as if SHE was at fault and not her dh)
Id Hope too it will help her present things and/or discuss how to move things forward.
Knowing whether or not she’d want to assign the blame to her dh (or any blame really) is essential because I’m pretty sure HE will assign the blame to her - because she is not getting the abortion that would solve all his issues. (Same with his family btw)

I agree. Plus it's your body and your choice. Just as it was his choice not to get a snip and to ejaculate inside you when you were fertile.

It isn't your fault.

I strongly disagree that your partner is a "good man". Forcing a woman to get an abortion when she doesn't want one is one of the worst, most abhorrent things a man can do.

It would destroy any woman to do that and certainly destroy any relationship.

You can argue that you knew what his stance would be beforehand thanks to his "I'd be furious and want you get rid of the baby" so no need to consult until you were sure it was a viable pregnancy.

If he chooses to leave then you absolutely k ow exactly what kind of man he is and the trash would be taking itself out. I'd be telling all his friends and family exactly what kind of man he is too.

On the other hand, he comes to terms with it because he has all the facts (a scan) then you can plan accordingly.

Give him a chance to act like a father and husband and not a disgusting monster. But be very clear that he can go to hell if he tries to guilt YOU for his irresponsible ejaculation.

You're being the adult. You're a mother and you're acting like one.

Do not blame yourself. EVER.

Yes sorry OP there seems a contradiction in saying your DH didn’t take to fatherhood but yet you have four children. My DP is an amazing father but was very honest that one was his limit & we have one DD. Even if I wanted more (I was on the fence & then medical issues took over) we wouldn’t have put ourselves in that position. Our DD is also autistic & currently home schooled.
Your DH is bang out of order saying you would have to have an abortion though. You both sound as though you stumble in to things without really thinking it through.

@C1N1C thats assuming she could have used hormonal contraception or the coil.
And if he can say no to the snip so can she to have her tubes tied (much bigger surgery though). Or to any hormonal contraception, the coil etc… for that matter.

She knew that. He knew that.
They BOTH chose condoms knowing the risk.

Except he is (was?) expecting her to use abortion as a contraception method if the condom didn’t work. And THAT is certainly not ok.

Me too.
It makes me really angry when men impose this onto women.
OP you want the baby, so don’t be pressured into an abortion by him. He has been having sex with you, there is always a risk of pregnancy, he knows this and hasn’t had the snip.

Unless OP was extremely honest with her husband and told him she would not have an abortion then they are both at fault. They may be financially secure with 4 young children but 5 (or possibly 6 with a past multiple) children who will grow into demanding teenagers is not the same. With a husband who didnt want more children OP should have been more responsible too. Now she faces possibly being a single parent.

No-one should tell OP to have an abortion. That doesnt mean she shouldn't consider the impact on all her family, including her other children.

If he is older than 12 he should know that condoms aren't 100% effective.

Many women can't or don't want to use hormonal contraception or other invasive methods. That also is their choice.

Like it or not, condoms fail and you can't force a woman to have an abortion.

I would have a lot more sympathy for a man in this situation who wanted children in the future but not right now. Because it's not reasonable to expect a man to just not have sex until he is ready to have a baby, and yet he can't have a vasectomy if he wants children in the future, and if he gets someone pregnant in the meantime despite using condoms, what happens won't be entirely within his control.

But a married man who has four children already and doesn't want any more has no good reason not to get a vasectomy.

He chose to risk pregnancy instead of getting a vasectomy, so it's on him to assume the consequences of his decision.

Then he should have had the snip.

We have three - singleton then twins so like op, one more then expected. DH Def doesn't want more, he's super squeamish, hates needles etc. He had the snip. He didn't want 4 more then me and I'd already done all the hard work so it was him.

If you don't, you stand a risk of having babies. Simply.

I disagree with those people saying he’s appalling. I don’t blame him for thinking 5 kids is too much-at least he’s been honest. And he’s the one having to earn the money to support you all. Generally, good contraception used properly works-most couples who don’t want further children don’t need to have vasectomies or be sterilised. I think you do need to tell him sooner rather than later-it seems very controlling to keep the news from him. Then you can discuss as a couple the way forward. You can then gauge his reaction when he’s hit with the reality of the situation-will he be philosophical and accept another child? Or will he totally disagree with bringing another child into the family? Best you know sooner so you can look at your options.